Everyone makes mistakes on the job from time to time. Waiters drop plates, data entry employees enter the wrong data, baseball players strike out, teachers spill wine on their students' essays. But when you're a porn star and your job is to have sex in front of a camera, fuck ups tend to be extremely intimate and can involve things that no one ever thinks about, such as, Did I make that person feel bad after he accidentally pooped on my face?

I hopped on the phone with six top adult stars (recommended to us by our friends at Pornhub) to take a stroll down X-rated memory lane. Their stories of sex gone wrong ran the gamut from a Spongebob parody with some technical issues to a few scatological surprises.

When you film in England, you always get one or two directors who used to be performers and can't let it go. I was working with this one director, who may or not have been jealous of his performers, and he says to my mate and me, "OK, I have this amazing MILF lined up for you guys outside the city. Do you want to do the scene?" We were early in our careers and said sure.

So my friend and I drove three hours to get there, and the woman was no MILF. She was about 68, but looked at least 78. The drive was so long that I said, "Fuck it. We might as well do the scene."

We flipped a coin to decide who would fuck her first, and Danny lost. He said he'd do three positions: doggie, reverse cowgirl, and spooning, so he didn't have to see her face. They get into it, and during one position, she pulls him out and goes to kiss him, but he says, "None of that!" and goes upstairs and actually starts vomiting in the bathroom.

For some reason, though, my johnny was hard as a rock. I was ready to go. We start doing the scene, and I keep it up. I was ramming her so hard that everyone on set was afraid I was gonna give her a heart attack. We were having normal sex, penis in pussy, but I was fucking her so hard that she ended up shitting herself. There was shit all over her, the bed, and me. It happens. I look back on that one with a laugh.

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I think one of the funniest scenes I've ever shot was a Spongebob parody. I was Sandy the Squirrel and the guy was "Spongeknob Squarenuts." We were doing the voices, badly, and it was so hard to keep a straight face. They had made the Spongebob costume out of cardboard, but it was heavy. There was a hole cut out for his dick, and the guy could barely maneuver in the suit. He couldn't really fuck me while wearing it, so we tried to do an oral scene first. We did this cute bit where his dick hits my glass helmet, but once we got past that we couldn't keep it together. He was holding up this heavy box with his arms and kept losing his hard-on because the costume was so straining. It still cracks me up to think about.

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So this isn't a story that happened to me, but I filmed it happening. In the gay adult film industry, we deal with fucking up the ass, and when you deal with fucking up the ass, things happen. It's like people who used work in the swamp: you get used to shit. We were doing this sensual scene—it was romantic, loving, and full of kissing, caressing, and intimacy. The men were beautiful. One was this dark-featured Argentine man, and the other was this all-American guy with blonde hair and muscles. It was going so well. They started with kissing, then they moved to sucking, and then they moved into rimming. It was very sensual.

As they were rimming each other, we asked the receiver, the Argentinian guy, to open himself really wide so we could see everything. Right as the American performer was going in to rim, the guy projectile diarrhea-ed into his mouth. Then the American guy projectile vomits immediately on to his ass and back.

Here's the interesting part, though. They cleaned themselves up, we changed the sheets, sprayed the room, opened the windows, and decided to pick the scene back up from where we'd left off. Everything went smoothly this time around, until the all-American actor started crying. It was the Argentinian guy who'd had the accident. I said, "Why are you crying? It's not your fault." He replied, "I'm a professional, and I shouldn't have vomited." He felt bad that he might have made the other performer feel bad or uncomfortable, when he was the one who was shit on! It was amazing. He was so mature in such a difficult situation.

Follow Michael Lucas on Twitter.

For more on sex, watch our doc "The Japanese Love Industry":

I remember this one scene we were shooting in Hawaii. It was beautiful and we were overlooking the water from up on a grassy hill—exactly like how you'd imagine Hawaiian paradise. It was supposed to be all sexy, but as we started filming, we realized we couldn't fuck without sliding down the hill. It was uncomfortable, sure, but I was legitimately afraid I was going to slip, roll down that massive slope, and die. I think the guy I was shooting with felt the same, too, because he kept getting soft as we began sliding down. It looks incredible now, but at the time we didn't think we'd be able to even finish the scene.

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My most embarrassing scene happened right when I started doing anal. Let me start with this: We ended up needing to re-shoot the scene at a different date and time.

At that point, I was still getting my routine down on how to prepare for an anal scene. Typically, I'd eat a light dinner the night before, and then take ammonium pills, which stops your digestive system. Then, I'd do an enema. In the morning, I'd take another ammonium and clean out my ass more so I can coast. Then, I go through the whole day with a butt plug. My ass is really tight and the second you take out the butt plug it gets tight again. So the plug helps make it a little looser.

So at this early point in my career, I was familiar with enemas, but it wasn't working right on this one shoot. I wasn't getting shit. I was getting muddy water. No matter how hard I tried, the water wouldn't run clear. It got to the point where there was so much water in my intestines it was as if I had received a colonic. We were doing an anal scene, and it was supposed to include ass to mouth. I had already been leaking throughout the shoot, but when we got to that point, we realized there was muddy water all over my face. There was no way they could edit that shit to make it look normal. We called it a wrap. Some days you should just not do anal. I learned the hard way.

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Image via Brazzers (NSFW)

The worst scenes are always whenever you almost get injured on set. There was this one time I was playing a fireman and I was supposed to rush into this house and save Nikki Benz. Budgets on porn shoots aren't that high, though. This production assistant had a lighter and a can hair spray to create the fire effect. I was supposed to run into the house and he'd blow a fireball behind me, but this kid did it right as I was running in. He blew a fireball at me, and I hit the deck. It was like everything went into slow motion. I was terrified that I had my eyebrows singed or my face was burnt off. I counted my blessings and luckily only my shirt was singed. Looking back, I can't believe we did that—a scene with real fire. We didn't do the shot again, to say the least. There's a lot that happens on set that ends up in blooper reels. I would love to see that footage now.

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