The Pros And Cons Of These Six Roskilde Neighbours

Picking your neighbour at Roskilde Festival can be a rather daunting affair. Pick the wrong one and you'll end up listening to Pharrel boasting about his happiness via loudspeaker all week, pick the right one and you might end up with free laughter gas and luke warm beer for breakfast. We figured that after eight days in dirt we ought to share our insight into who to pitch a tent beside, and who you should avoid at all cost.

THE ELDERLY

PROS
Older people have their shit together at Roskilde, and when at some point you lose something or need help, which you will, they will be there for you.  They are true music fans, and while they know how to have a good time, their day doesn’t revolve around the mundane chore of getting fucked up.  They’re usually in bed at a reasonable time, so you can go and rage at someone else’s camp and then come back to a peaceful night’s rest.  And finally, they are far less likely to steal from you or puke on your things. After your tenth Roskilde, you generally learn that beer bongs aren’t that good an idea.

CONS
Obviously, these are not going to be the camps with the biggest parties, and they usually camp a little further out from where the big parties take place. You will probably have to sit through the same stories of Roskilde festivals long gone, repeatedly.

CONSTANTLY NAKED PEOPLE

PROS
You get to see what they’re working with before you end up in their tent with no exit strategy.

CONS
If Roskilde is a grocery store, then people who run around naked are those free samples of aerosol cheese and grill wieners. As grocery store chains are hesitant to give out tastings of their finest foie gras, the truly attractive people at the festival (and there are many) are not going to toss you a look-see for nothing, let’s be real. Furthermore, sometimes you just want to get up and have breakfast without being confronted by a hoard of penises, am I right? Oh, and if you’re expecting to see groups of women doing this constantly naked thing, you’ll be sorely disappointed. This seems to be a strictly male hobby.

PEOPLE WEARING BLACK FACE

PROS
There are none really. This is insensitive and pointless. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

CONS
Not that any pictures from Roskilde should make their way onto your social media unless they have passed a strict censorship filter, but get a picture of yourself gallivanting with someone wearing black face in 2014 and you will surely never get a real job again. The topic of racism, especially right now in Denmark, is a hot one and you do not want to dip your toe into that cesspool of controversy.

GROUPS IN FULL BODY COSTUME

PROS
People in full body costumes are just more trustworthy and friendly for some reason. It’s a little hard to run around stealing things in a bright yellow banana costume, so your risk factor there is pretty low. They always attract a party and a good time, it’s a great conversation starter to get to know your neighbours, and you’ll be considered fun and friendly by association.

CONS
They are always insanely fucked up.

They’re fun and cute the first three days and then you realize that their costume is literally the only article of clothing that they brought. Things start to get real dirty, smelly, and sweaty quickly at Roskilde so if you’re planning on hooking up with one of the bananas, get it early or don’t get it at all.

WORK OUT FREAKS

PROS
They work out while at Roskilde. This is impressive, and might encourage you to take a little more consideration for your body during this week of excess. Plus, they can protect you if some kind of fight or trampling starts to go down near your camp.

CONS
They work out while at Roskilde. You already feel like total shit about yourself every morning, the last thing you need is a reminder that you’re not taking care of your body.

PREVIOUS “CAMP OF THE YEAR” WINNERS

PROS
They got their camp game down to an art so you don’t have to. They’re always having events and giving free shit away in order to win over their neighbours, so you might be lucky enough to score some treats. Generally, their Roskilde spirits are pretty high.

CONS
They’re a pretentious crowd to say the least, and they will judge you. They are look entirely too pleased with themselves for our liking. Their egoistic tendencies are only amplified by their irritating Scandinavian reggae sound systems. Which they play about ten times louder than any other camp. Who needs to hear the same song that many times?!