GAVIN HAYNES' SLEEPLESS NIGHTS
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Suburban Rebel Kristian Holmes Has Finally Been Caught by London Met
Boring dad by day, graffiti gang kingpin by night. Full story
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The Great Simon Cowell Egg Conspiracy
The truth always comes out. Full story
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Getting to Grips with the Tulisa Cocaine Sting
Another drugs nightmare designed by the Sun. Full story
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Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Dickhead
The Ryan Fogle case shows how US-Russia spy games have descended into silly farce. Full story
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The Weird World of Mail Online Commenters
What are these people doing with their lives? Full story
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The BNP Say a Big Fascist Orgy Is the Only Way to Keep Britain White
Nick Griffin wants to bone the country into his own image. Full story
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We Should Probably Put Ben Elton On Suicide Watch
He's got a new sitcom and everyone fucking despises it. Full story
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Beware the iPad Children, the Crack Babies of Today
Let's destroy them before they destroy us. Full story
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Everyone Involved in the Thatcher Chart 'Ding Dong' Is a Moron
But the BBC will grant these idiots their immortality. Full story
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How Paris Brown's 'Pikey' Tweets Expose the Modern British Generation Gap
Or why police should never work with children. Full story
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How to Represent Yourself in Court and Get DIY Justice
Now Legal Aid has been slashed, you're going to have to be your own lawyer. Full story
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The Morality of Pretending to Be a Man in Order to Sleep with Women
Justine McNally is the point where human ingenuity and human tragedy collide. Full story
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Drug Etiquette for British People in 2013
Where the bloody hell have our manners gone? Full story
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This Is What Justin Bieber Should Do After His Sad, Inevitable Breakdown
Justin has the opportunity to leave the world a better place than he found it. Full story
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This Is What Will Happen When the Queen Dies
Britain will go off its nut. But then Britain loves to go off its nut. Full story
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A History of Celebrity Trials, from Woodward to Pistorius
We've been taking a prurient interest in the private shame of others since the 90s. Full story
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Remember When the Brit Awards Were Amazing?
Because personally I have no recollection of that period. Full story
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Why I Feel Sorry for the Pope Who Hung Up On God
Becoming the Pope must be as disorientating as growing a second cock or learning how to fly. Full story
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Why Boyz II Men Won't Save the Russian People from Extinction
They don't want to procreate. They just want to die. It's what they do. Full story
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Reasons Why Everyone Should Start a New Life in Brilliant Britain
Hey Bulgarians and Romanians, don't listen to our government – come and join in the fun! Full story
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'He Just Wanted to Take More Drugs Than Anyone Else'
How Lance Armstrong's simple problem turned cycling into Trainspotting on wheels. Full story
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Let's Lock All of Britain Up in a Spaceship-Sized Super-Prison
Alternatively, you could just keep a criminal in a cage in your house. Full story
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Depardieu and Putin, Sitting in a Tree
A tree that is strong enough to hold the wine-bloated Frenchman and doesn't make him pay tax. Full story
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The Demise of the Zany Jedi Wankers
Ten years ago, there were 390,000 Jedis in Britain. Now, there are only 170,000. Full story
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Ghostwriting Is the Future of Literature
Ever since Tom Clancy kicked it off, they're all bloody at it. Full story
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Is It Time for Britain to Turn Into a Dictatorship?
People say that fascism's a drag. But maybe we just need to re-learn how much everyone else hates us. Full story
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British People Are So Fat You Can See Them from Space
They're the next evolutionary step for humanity. Full story
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Bath Salts, Orgies, Murder and Anti-Virus Software
Fugitive John McAfee's one weird billionaire. Full story
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Chelsea's Super-Rich Are Being Chased Underground
They're bored and scared of the modern world. Full story
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The World Is Full of Pinheaded Weasels
And unfortunately for Danny Baker, many of them help run it. Full story
Most Popular
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Meeting Hardcore Drug Users at a Four-Star Hotel in Lithuania
I learned all sorts at the International Harm Reduction Conference.
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Wild Things: The Wolfman
Eighty-year-old Werner Freund would rather be a wolf than a man.
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I Smoked Hash and Watched Cute Animal Videos with Syrian Rebels
It turns out they're really into reggae and kittens.
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Fringes: Stories from the Edge: Cult Kids: Westboro
The children of Westboro are brainwashed into picketing funerals and bashing homosexuals.
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Fringes: Stories from the Edge: Cowboy Capitalists
For maverick entrepreneur Ian Cox, Africa is the last frontier of free enterprise.
Swedish Raggare
Chatting with one of the last originals. 
Istanbul Rising
On the ground in Taksim Square. 
Jailbait
New fiction by Zelly Martin. 
The Water, Tea, and Light Diet
This woman is doing it for 100 days. 
Oh, the Memories
Photos from our trip to North Korea. 
Festival Previews
A roundup of this year's festivals.