SKINEMA

Baristas

I started taking steroids yesterday as an act of thanks and joyous celebration. Full story

Anal Lessons

Are there scouts in the porn business like in baseball who travel the minor-league circuit looking for the next thing? Full story

The Dark Knight XXX: A Porn Parody

Just as hip-hop died outside the Petersen Automotive Museum in Los Angeles, so did her big beautiful breasts in 1997. Full story

Panty Pops

The only way I can describe "Panty Pops" is like if Zeus gave you a handjob. Full story

Buttface

There’s a skateboarder in England, gaining popularity with the birth name Ash Hal. Full story

No Warning 6: The Unfair Advantage

If you thought 'No Warning' 1 through 5 were good, then I can't help but believe that you're going to love 'No Warning 6!' Full story

Skinema - Vicarious (So Close You Can Taste It)

I've been wrestling pit bull terriers and calling up my dominatrix friend because being a stay-at-home dad is driving me insane. Full story

Halloween XXX Porn Parody

For starters, I would've hoped that a porno remake of Halloween would've at least had the decency to incorporate the word wiener into the title. Full story

SpontaneASS

So my second son, Christopher James Nieratko III, was born on August 10, 2011 Full story

Hot for Teacher

I think I wanted to fuck my fourth-grade teacher. Full story

Skinema - Kimberly Kane's Been Blackmaled

Fuck me already with all the times I’ve had to plug a Kimberly Kane movie just so I can tell you that at some point in my lifetime VBS will supposedly air my four-part Skinema exposé on Ms. Kane and her sexy exploits. Full story

It Ain't Gonna Suck Itself!

The sad thing about the title of this film is that it’s true; it’s not going to suck itself. As a teenager I would lie in the tall grass down by the brook, looking up at the clouds moving across the gray Jersey sky, dreaming of a future when it would be possibl… Full story

Ass Worship 12

The Tenth Commandment clearly states, “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife,” so I’m pretty sure me wanting to fuck my friend Matt’s wife is totally kosher because they live outside San Francisco, nowhere near me. Strange that the Bible would put… Full story

Skinema - Driller

We are quickly approaching the two-year mark of me not giving a shit that Michael Jackson is dead. Next year will be exactly 30 years since Thriller was released, the last time I slightly cared about him. As far as I’m concerned, Michael Jackson died the day he got h… Full story

Hose Hoes' 2

By Chris Nieratko

Cover model and professional butt licker Julia Ann reminds me of my wife. (Not that my wife hangs off black curtain rods and lick butts.) (And not that there’s anything wrong with that…) Julia, like Mrs. Nieratko, is a hot blond piece of ass who looks Full story

Joanna's Angels 3: Douchebag Resurrection

What could be sadder than a bunch of awkward and insecure porn fans leering at girls from a distance at a convention in Vegas? A landfill’s worth of cocksure Jersey Shore douchebag extras thinking every porn chick at a convention in Edison, New Jersey, wants to fuck Full story

Hole in the Wall

I hate zany fonts. Those fonts that are CRAZY pictures of people puking or having sex while forming a letter are the worst, especially when people try to use them at 10 or 12 point; you can’t even make out what they are. They look like tattoos from the 50s, just big blobs o… Full story

The Mommy X-Perience

Strange things happen to a woman’s vagina after a human slides out of it, aside from the obvious stretching and tearing. Full story

Debbie Duz Dishes Again

Does life imitate porn? Or does porn imitate life? I ask only because for the past eight months since my son was born I have been starring in a porno with a similar title called Full story

Jersey Shore XXX: A Porn Parody

I hope they don't kick me out of Jersey for saying this but I've always hated the Jersey Shore. As a child my family would go down to Cape May for vacation. While everyone was Full story

Fuck Face

I have a weird friend. I don’t know her name. I guess “friend” might be a slight overstatement. She is a ginger with extremely curly hair. I’m sure you can Full story

Belladonna's Ass Wide Open

I hope I’m not ruining the plot of Ass Wide Open for anyone by saying there’s a lot of anal sex in this film.

If this is a remake of that Kubrick film then I don't see the resemblance between the cover model, Bobbi Starr, and Nicole Kidman. If it's not then... I totally do Full story

Raw 2

This movie is genius! This is not porn—this is art. No. Wait. Art doesn’t make money. This is sexual capitalism at its finest. What we have here are two discs of five scenes with Full story

LA Pink

If it appears I am unfairly reviewing more Burning Angel videos than other company’s pornos, you would be correct. Joanna Angel is no dummy. She pays me with blowjobs Full story

John Wayne Bobbit Uncut

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT UNCUT
Remember last year when Lorena Bobbitt cut off her husband’s penis? The news sent a shock wave through the misogynist community like a frickin’ A-bomb. Gigolos Full story

This Ain't Star Trek

By Chris Nieratko

God, I fucking hate remakes (both porno and mainstream). It says a lot about the intellect of our Hollywood writers when the best they can come up with is to make G.I. Joe Full story

We Yum Yum Cum

By Chris Nieratko

I hate when people speak to their kids in baby talk. It’s annoying. Then people wonder why their kids turn out to be mental midgets with no social grace and an inability to Full story

It's Sunny In Brazil

A bunch of my friends are pro skaters from Brazil and they’re always telling me the craziest stories from their childhoods of murder, drug mules, and prostitution Full story

Great Sex During Pregnancy

Can you do me a favor? Pretend like you didn't see the picture above and when I ask you to guess what my wiener put inside my wife's guts, just say, "I don't know, what?" Full story

Live In My Secrets

By Chris Nieratko

I'm working on a new VBS show called Sexy Slumber Party in which I have sexy slumber parties with naked porn stars and we have popcorn and girl talk until they start to cry and tell me how they were abused at a young age and that's what drove them to hand out cinematograph… Full story

Discovering Alexis Texas

A year or two ago, Vice sent me around the country to promote my book, Skinema, and one of the stops was in Austin, Texas, at the largest bookstore in the state. Full story

Gapeman

By Chris Nieratko

Fuck. Google this DVD and look at the back cover. You can't handle the back cover! It made me want to vomit into my laptop. Dead center there is a photo of what my friends affectionately refer to as a “pink sock.” It’s basically when a girl’s asshole is an outty instead of an inn… Full story

SKINEMA - HOG-O-WEEN RECAP

… Full story

This Ain't the Munsters XXX

By Chris Nieratko

I don't like scary movies-they scare me. I was seeing a therapist once for it but it all seemed like a big waste of time. I felt like he wasn't listening to me. He was always texting. Full story

Cum On My Tattoos 4

Vice: Hi, boss lady.
Joanna Angel: I thought we were going to be able to do this legally Full story

Black Power 3

I've always dreamed of having Black Power because I think it would be awesome to be able to dunk a basketball. When I was younger I could touch the rim but now I'm fat Full story

Chesty Preggos

You want to know what the best part about a dead baby is? No dirty diapers. No diapers at all really. No money spent on formula. No painting bedrooms pink or blue. Full story

Latina Grande

This DVD was shot entirely in Peru, which I believe is in the northern part of Mexico, but I'm not very good at geometry so I can't be totally certain. You know the old saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover”? That doesn’t apply in this case. The cover girl does such a stellar j… Full story

Amy Fisher / Joey Buttafuoco Caught On Tape

How was your weekend? Mine was shitty. Me and my wife went down with the flu for two weeks and were running 102 fevers, bedridden, and about to tear each other's Full story

She's Ready to Pop

I recently got an email from a friend I hadn’t spoken to in many years. I actually nearly forgot we were ever friends because during the time in my life we were friends I was out to lunch on goofballs. His name is Harry Weiss and he has his own porn PR company. Back when I knew h… Full story

Love Squirts

I don’t trust that my wife truly loves me. The entire relationship seems suspect to me. I often question what her ulterior motives are. I mean, have you seen what she looks like? Stunning. Then I must ask, have you seen what I look like? Needless to say, I leave something to be d… Full story

Dark Meat

Do you know Belladonna? She’s fantastic. She’s like the David Copperfield of porn—she can make anything, and I mean ANYTHING, disappear up her ass. She could fit the Statue of Liberty and the Eiffel Tower up there with ease. I generally like that sort of extreme stuff in my porn… Full story

Voluptuous Life

My wife of nearly two years is cheating on me. I am quite certain of it. I am not a jealous man nor am I a brute or a fool. I would like you to think of me as a somewhat intelligent man who would not make such damning accusations without first doing some thorough investigation an… Full story

SKINEMA - GIVE ME RYAN'S CAR

… Full story

Curious

One thing I’ve been rather curious about lately is how much exactly is it to buy a kid from some third world country. I’ve heard anywhere from $40,000 to $80,000. And if those numbers are correct, how do I go about brokering a deal for one of these sought-after poor kids? How do… Full story

Triple Ecstasy

So I made friends with a porn star. Her name is Kimberly Kane. It’s pretty awesome. She comes over for dinner twice a week and wears nothing but heels. She hangs out with me and my wife in our hot tub, calls me on my birthday, and sends me well wishes when I’m sick. It’s kind of… Full story

The XXXorcist

By Chris Nieratko

Have you ever felt real disappointment in your life? I have, at the hands of my wife. Last year she threw me a surprise 40th birthday party with all my friends and family in attendance. And it was a big surprise when she took off my blindfold and everyone screamed, because in my Full story

Slime Ballin'

This is weird. Without consciously doing it I have been removing my wedding ring before I masturbate. I’m not certain when it started or why, but I began noticing it a few weeks back. I’ve been thinking that the reason may be that I don’t think it’s acceptable to wear my ring whe… Full story

Barely Legal Corrupted #8

There’s a chance that as I type this my wife might be pregnant. Despite what I may have told you before about being eager to have a child, I’m considering asking her to get an abortion. Full story

Yo Mamma’s a Freak 2

I think I mentioned to you that my wife, Crissie, after 16 years, stopped taking the Pill on Valentine’s Day 2007. At first we were very excited to start work on the production of our new line of real-life Chris Nieratko action figures, but we haven’t had the best of luck over th… Full story

Sprung A Leak 2

I am by no means a rich man. This Skinema book that’s just come out has put some money in my pocket, but not much—barely enough to repave my driveway. Yet I like to pretend Full story

Sperm Sponges Vol. I

By Chris Nieratko

SPERM SPONGES VOL. I
Can someone tell me how contraceptive sponges work? I understand that they go up inside a girl and create a dam but what I need to know is are they hard to put in, is a Full story

Assraelis: Israeli Erotica

By Chris Nieratko

I’m a big fan of war. What can I say? I’m an asshole. I’m not so big on all the blood and guts and our boys dying over there but I do enjoy the comedic aspect of saying Full story

Fashionistas Safado - The Challenge

By Chris Nieratko

Let me just start by telling you that Fashionistas has already been made into a full-scale Las Vegas production that’s been running since 2004 at the Aladdin, so you can go Full story

Condoms

By Chris Nieratko

Fuck a condom. I hate condoms. Always have. I have an allergic reaction to them: The mere sight of them makes me go limp. I think if I cut two of my fingers off with a circular saw I could still count on both hands the number of times I've worn a condom in my entire life. As I've… Full story

I Was A Crip ... Sort Of

I'm pretty sure I was a member of the blue-wearing gang, the Crips, from 2001 to 2002. I was on a lot of drugs then and have a piss poor recollection of all things, but I got a good feeling I was in the gang. At the very least I was an honorary member. A pseudo-Crip, if you will… Full story

Ass Worship 8

By Chris Nieratko

See that brunette in the upper left named Lanny Barbie? She bares a striking resemblance to a friend of mine named Sarah from Maui. I think it might be the eyes. My wife will probably disagree with me. She always does when it comes to me pointing out look-alikes. She says that I’… Full story

The Tom Sizemore Sex Scandal

By Chris Nieratko

Do you know why Tom Sizemore will go down in history as one of America’s finest actors? It’s because he refuses to be typecast and he’s not afraid to commit to a role. One Full story

Skinema

I fear if I kept my eyes closed entirely, I might walk right into someone's dick. Full story

Wild on X

What's up with black people being all into Ecstasy lately? Full story

Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy

Hands down, this is the greatest DVD ever made! It is so amazingly retarded that it pushes the boundaries of what is awesome. Full story

Belladonna's Fucking Girls Again

Do you know why people love buffets aside from being retardedly inexpensive, all-you-can-gorge glutton fests? It's that they have a little something for everyone. Full story

Skinema

Dear Reader, does your lifestyle require that you drink Pabst Blue Ribbon and have tattoos of anchors? Does your peer group expect you to wear Dickies or unwashed Levi’s with clever t-shirts? Full story

Head Master Vol. 1

By Chris Nieratko

I was an altar boy for many years and sadly I was never molested. I feel cheated. Full story

Wild On Sex Vol. 3

By Chris Nieratko

The box cover says "Shot on location in Montreal, Canada, with the nastiest lesbos ever!" but I think they mean the other kind of nasty. Full story

Fucking Assholes #4

I saw the gym Nazi again today. I smiled and waved hello as he jogged on the treadmill. It drove him to run faster. I giggled like a little girl. Full story

Skate Trixxx 2

I love skateboarding and I love porn. I also love bacon and ice cream, just not at the same time. If I want to watch good skateboarding, I’ll pop in Video Days, but I want my pornos chock full of sex. Full story

Flesh Hunter

I’ve been fucking Christina Aguilera for almost two weeks now, and although she won’t let me stick it in her ass I must say she’s pretty good in the sack. For a white chick. Full story

Body Slam Vol. 1

"Hey, baby. You want to wrestle?" That’s been my pick-up line for years, and it totally works. That line is actually what seduced my current girlfriend. I remember seeing her across the room looking bored as her friends acted like they knew how to play pool. Full story

Welcum To Chloeville 2

I’ve been watching a lot of VH1’s Behind the Music lately and drinking straight Tequila. Sometimes, after eating the worm, I begin to imagine how my Behind The Music would be laid out. Full story

The Matador Series

I just recently read Hunter S. Thompson’s book Hell’s Angels, which talks all about the exploits of the infamous biker gang in the late 60s. Then my friend told me that Sonny Barger, president of the Hell’s Angels, has a bio out and that it’s just hairy as fuck, talking ab… Full story

Cool Devices 04-05

As a few friends and I sat watching an innocent-looking young girl being tied up, whipped and sodomized, we began debating the relationship between repressed, orderly societies and the ensuing pornography they produce. While some of us pointed out that extreme films get produced Full story

Super Freaks 10

By Chris Nieratko

When I was in high school I wanted nothing more in this world than to be black. I did just about everything I could to make that dream come true. I’d talk black, wear my pants far past my ass, memorize X Clan lyrics, bad mouth white people, and grab my dick when I talked, regardl… Full story

Shave Dat Nappy Thang!!

I’ve detested body hair for as long as I can remember. I believe it might stem from the fact that when all my friends were growing beards and moustaches in high school my face was still completely bald. Full story

Silvia Exposed

Most people have friends that try to protect them when they’re drunk from the evils of this world such as fights, police and ugly people. My friends, though, are all assholes. They will try with all their power to get me knocked out, locked up or throwing up after waking up next… Full story

Girls Who Puke

Working for Larry Flynt allows me to access all genres of porn, even bottom of the barrel shit like Girls Who Puke, which, although not even slightly erotic, holds a special place in my heart. Full story

Deep Porn

Pornography and decent music finally come together on Deep Porn, a nineteen-track compilation of beats meets teets where producers like Brother Marquis of 2 Live Crew, DJ Godfather and George Clinton sample porn stars like Rebecca Lord, Gina Ryder and Midori. VICE put the Full story