DRUNKEN JERK CHICKEN PATTI - THE RECIPE
Notting Hill Carnival is the best. The only thing that let's it down (apart from all the crime, LOL!) is the overpriced food being sold to white people with cultural guilt. Like, what's the point of having to clutch a polystyrene box full of goat curry if I can't dance with it? And how do I know that jerk chicken that's been sitting in the sun for five hours isn't going to give me the skitters? So, here's my portable and pre-cooked carnival patty.
Ingredients
Patty Dough
4 x cups flour
salt and pepper
1 x teaspoon ground turmeric
1 x teaspoon curry powder
1 x cup butter
1 x cup water
Jerk Chicken Rub
(just guestimate amounts, jeez, I can't tell you everything guys)
1 x whole chicken
1 x can beer
1 x shot rum
as many as your mouth can take x scotch bonnets
lots x garlic
salt and pepper
cinnamon
coriander seeds
grated nutmeg
allspice
ginger
lime juice
Step 1.
Thoroughly mix all the patty ingredients together into a squidgy dough. Then set aside to chill.
Step 2.
For the jerk seasoning rub, mush up all the ingredients with a pestle and mortar.
Step 3.
Next, lube up the chicken with oil so the outside stays nice and soft.
Step 4.
Then rub the whole chicken down with your, erm, rub.
Step 5.
To keep the bird nice and moist when cooking, you're going to shove a beer can up it's butt. So, lube up the can, throw in some of the excess rub and add a shot of rum for that extra tropical flavour.
Step 6.
Carefully shove the whole thing in the oven.
Step 7.
To finish the bird and give it that proper carnival flavour, brown it on a barbecue.
Step 8.
Dump everything in a blender and whizz into a mush.
Step 9.
Slop some jerk mush into your pre-made patty dough and finish in the oven.
Step 10.
So there you go, a patty that'll keep you going right through the carnival weekend!
Bone-appetit!
Previously: Girl Eats Food - Cornershop Cocktails
Really fucking hungry? Check out Joanna Fuertes-Knight's (totally free) online cookbook! It's got every Girl Eats Food recipe ever in it.
More From This Show
-
Apocalyptic Dinner For One
Time to get ourselves acquainted with those doesn't-even-have-a-sell-by-date foods at the back of our cupboard.
-
Filipino Blood Stew
Let's make really scary ingredients, really tasty.
-
Vegan Meat Feast Pizza
A big slab of vegan comfort food, that won't have your meat-eating friends gagging in horror.
-
Drunken Jerk Chicken Patti
A portable and pre-cooked carnival patty you'll be happy to dance with.
-
Cornershop Cocktails
They may be the flamboyant gay man of the booze world, but that shouldn't stop scumbags like you and I getting crunk on them.
-
Olympic Energy Nachos
A snack more doped up than Dwain Chambers.
-
Fake Cheese Cheesecake
A dairy extravaganza that'll put your after-dinner cheeseboard to shame.
-
Mini Fried Chicken Hors d'Oeuvres
Dirty fried chicken doesn't have to be from Dixy's at 3AM on a Friday night.
-
English Breakfast Cupcakes
Time to cook ourselves some baked goods with real balls.
-
Sizzurped Cherry Pork
Uniting the American South's two finest delicacies: Slow-cooked pig and DJ Screw's drank of choice.
-
Some Photographs from the All About Pets Show
Canada's largest pet convention has a lot to see, apparently.
-
Hearing from Three Guantanamo Bay Prisoners Who've Been On Hunger Strike for 100 Days
What life is like inside the prison camp.
-
Gavin Haynes' Sleepless Nights: Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Dickhead
The silly spy game farce of Ryan Fogle.
-
Saudi Arabia Isn't Having a Feminist Revolution
Weirdly, Saudi photographer Nouf Alhimiary thinks being allowed to cycle doesn't count as women's rights.
-
Thought and Memory
Back in 2008, when my first novel came out, my publisher sent me on a West Coast tour.
-
Greg Palast's Column: I Upset My Least Favourite Big Fat Greek Minister
Theodoros Pangalos doesn't like talking about Greece's economic collapse.
-
I Tested Out Three of Cambodia's Spiritual Practices
And learned that Cambodian ghosts apparently don't believe in Jesus.
-
The Wizard of the Saddle Rides Again
The KKK protested renaming a park that memorialised one of the most infamous racists ever.
-
VICE News: This Is What Winning Looks Like
A documentary about the ineptitude and corruption of the Afghan security forces.
-
VICE News: Sisa: Cocaine of the Poor
A new drug called sisa is tearing its way through Athens' poor.
-
Some Rich People Are Building a Giant Clock Inside a Mountain
It's going to run for 10,000 years and will apparently change how we understand time itself.
-
Should Murderers Be Allowed State-Funded Sex Changes?
Michelle Kosilek, an American prisoner who wants one, certainly seems to think so.
-
VICE on HBO Outtakes: Mormon Lost Boys - Nikita's Story
She spoke with us about her upbringing in a polygamous family.
-
Photos from The Great Escape 2013
If you didn't catch the Noisey stage this year, you missed out on an eyeful of areola.
-
Carlos Rafael and His Fish Are the American Dream
I spoke to him about cod and federal tax evasion.
-
Jodorowsky's 'Dune' Would Have Been More Insane Than You Can Even Imagine
Salvador Dali was going to play the Emperor.
-
The Worst Restaurant in the World
A night at the Jack in the Box of the Damned.
-
Alexis Neiers’s Pretty Wild Road to Recovery
She robbed celebrities, abused drugs, inspired a movie and now she's clean.
-
The Loneliness of the Village at the End of the World
Niaqornat's residents might be witnessing the end of the world, too.
-
Here Comes the White-Power Safety Patrol
The White Student Union advocates for “persons of European heritage” – aka “white people.”
-
American Teens Are Being Trapped in Abusive 'Drug Rehab Centres'
How an anti-drug cult from the 60s has evolved into an abusive, billion-dollar “teen rehab” industry.
-
The Tanzanian Government Is About to Kill Off the Maasai
They're kicking them off their land and all their cows are going to die.
-
Las Vegas Needs to Get Creative with Its Homeless Problem
Here are some ideas.
-
Hanging Out with Human Rights Heroes at the Oslo Freedom Forum
It's a bit like Comic-Con, only all the heroes are real.
-
Question of the Day: Which Politician Would You Most Like to Do Drugs with?
"Prescott, probably. He’s just a bit of a boy, isn't he?"
-
Beware the Lizzies
Photos by Leonn Ward and styling by John William.
-
VICE News: Triple Hate - Part 1
The Klan, the Crips, racism and the spectre of history.
-
VICE News: Sisa: Cocaine of the Poor
A new drug called sisa is tearing its way through Athens' poor.
-
I Tested Out Three of Cambodia's Spiritual Practices
And learned that Cambodian ghosts apparently don't believe in Jesus.
-
VICE on HBO Outtakes: The Fat Farms of Mauritania
Appetite-inducing pills have become the new way to pack on the pounds.
-
Meet the Malaysian Neo-Nazis Fighting for a Pure Malay Race
They know Nazis don't like Asian people, but they don't care.
-
VICE News: White Student Union - Trailer
A documentary about race, class and self-righteous college students yelling at each other.
-
Austerity's Drug of Choice
Greece's infamous new drug, sisa, is meth mixed with filler ingredients like battery acid.
-
Greg Palast's Column: I Upset My Least Favourite Big Fat Greek Minister
Theodoros Pangalos doesn't like talking about Greece's economic collapse.
-
I Spent the Weekend Watching Topless Feminists Piss Off Neo-Nazis
Hanging out with Femen in Paris was a blast.
-
VICE News: This Is What Winning Looks Like
A documentary about the ineptitude and corruption of the Afghan security forces.
-
Who’s Getting Rich off the Prison-Industrial Complex?
A rundown of some of America's incarceration investors.
-
Interviewing South African Rape Victims Isn't Easy When You're Disfigured
It's said that in the South African townships, disfigurement is associated with witchcraft.
Related Shows
-
Our favorite bits of our favorite country (USA).
-
Soft, rounded fun for the girls and the softies.
Austerity's Drug of Choice
Sisa is tearing its way through Athens' poor. 
Topless Jihad
Hanging out with the ladies of Femen. 
The Tropical Dystopian World of Timo Vaitinen
Horned gods and warlocks. 
We Helped Save This Man's Face
He is getting the porn website tattoos removed. 
People Are Building A Clock In A Mountain
Apparently it'll change our perception of time. 
Twitter Thinks Angelina Jolie Is Nothing Without Breasts
It's really, really depressing.
Comments