August Horrorscopes

Aries: People close to you will try and make you do things with your life this month for their own selfish reasons. Do not do them, do not listen to these people, and please do not be swayed. Stick to your guns. The month will start out with you thinking how great you are, but by the end of it you will pretty much be under suicide watch. Yeah, you might fall in love this August. And I might grow a dick on my neck that I can suck while waiting for the bus.

Taurus: This August is the month where your long-term goals will weigh heavy on the mind. You finally realize that you will never achieve them. It is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. Others will give you shit for abandoning your dreams. Fuck them. Everyone stops calling you and nobody will even pick up their phone when you try and reach out. It'll all be okay though; Beer doesn't appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.

Gemini: And you said you'd never become a drug addict! Ha! You are an innately comical person, but the joke appears to be on you this August. I can't tell exactly which drug it is, but you are going to fall down a deep well of unadulterated fiending this month. My crystal ball says it starts at a party, but I keep hearing the word WHORE over and over. So avoid prosties, as well as parties. I'm really sorry about this. Oh yeah. You'll be at a picnic or something this month and your brother will tell you he's gay.

Cancer: You already have cancer but you don't find out until late in the month when you hook up with a doctor in a bathroom stall at a bar and he says he feels something strange down there. Don't worry. It gets cured in December (but you aren't supposed to know that until December, so shhh). You cannot focus on anything this month. You get fired from work after getting caught masturbating at the office because you forget to lock the bathroom door. But a good friend of yours comes into a bunch of money and you go on a fantastic Mexican vacation with him which is just super until he tells you something you never wanted to know.

Virgo: All that writing you've been doing for the past few years really comes to a head this August and you're basically gleaming the cube on the ol' word docs. But you work a good friend into a story and they hate it, it pisses them off, and they tell your significant other some terrible things about you and you lose the love of your life. Is the juice worth the squeeze? Yes. Squeeze away.

Libra: I'd get a hold of some Xanax or sleeping pills or something if I were you because you are going to want to miss 99% of the things that happen to you this month. It's pretty bad. I can't even bear to say it. Just trust me on this one, but try and hang on until September. Here's a hint: you win Arcade Fire tickets on the radio (but unfortunately their new album sucks).

Scorpio: You have big plans for this month. A big road trip with your loved ones. Then one of them disappears at a rest area and you hear their screams as an old red van rolls past you and then speeds off onto the highway. You attempt to follow after it but you lost your car keys fagging it up in the bushes while your wife was changing the baby's diaper in the bathroom. This is why the other one disappears. You will not be watching them like you said you would, and it will be your fault and no one else's. Things get better though: Your mother finally breaks her ten-year silence and calls you. You've missed her.

Sagittarius: Boy oh boy! I see nothing but blue skies for you, guy! What did you do to deserve such a great fortune for this month?! Oh wait. I see what you did. Eh, now the skies don't look so blue anymore and they're darkening rather quickly. You will never be able to live with that shit, man. From now on, anything in your life that should make you feel good will just be fucking dominated by striking pangs of guilt and visions of hell. Go to the cops already. It's the right thing to do.

Capricorn: Hm. This is odd. Things are actually looking pretty balanced and steady for you. Nothing too great, nothing too horrible. But, then again, that's how it's kind of been your entire life, hasn't it? You have never felt true joy or real love or any beautiful moments of melancholy or sadness. Your life is like one long gray day reading the same newspaper over and over while you wait at the window for it to quit raining so you can finally go outside. Listen, man, it is NEVER going to stop raining. You have to do something soon or you will become irretrievable. I'm sorry.

Aquarius: Funsies, traveling first-class, exotic languages, exotic joy, local drugs in exotic places, whores, music, beaches, love, tits, gold, loud, food, wine, laughter, laughter, friends, friends, friends, and a family that truly loves you. All of those wonderful things? Yeah. Not yours this August. But anything else is game so get creative.

Pisces: You might just make it this August. You've built up so many defense mechanisms that you are essentially a brick wall, but a brick wall that still has to eat, shit, drink, piss, and breathe. You really don't sleep well at all anymore and it feels like you haven't truly rested in years. You don't know who your real friends are (you haven't known for a long time), and why all of a sudden are you hanging out with all of these new people you neither know nor like? Some of your habits are beginning to show in your face. Everyone can see it and they are ALL talking about it. But by the end of the month, you've completely stopped caring about other people so that evens things out in that area. I think you might pick up a hobby this month. Like painting. Or crafts.

Oh yeah. Your dad comes to visit you and, over appetizers at the steakhouse, tells you he's gay.

GIANCARLO DITRAPANO

Update: Shit. I forgot Leo. Here. Leo: You finally get what you've always wanted this August: freedom. Your boyfriend/girlfriend will leave you for one of your friends. It feels good at first, you don't really mind, and kind of always saw those two together anyway. But this doesn't last. You start to get really lonely and the only bar you feel comfortable at to drown your feelings, those two have taken on as their new favorite hang-out as well. You want to appear that you're okay with all of this so you keep going, but the envy and jealousy get so agonizing that you do a million shots one night and cause a HUGE scene, throwing your beer all over them and starting a fight with the guy/girl who is now jamming your ex. Cops come, then jail, then court, then permanent record. But you meet someone new in all of these legal proceedings and it looks like that might work out (but it doesn't).