The festive season is upon us, and it's bringing with it a ton of parties that don't give a fuck if you've spent all year shunning make-up because it's "uncool". The end of the year is a time when, after a few Desperados, even highbrow bitches like you and I can get a little mesmerised by all the sparkly shit our BFF's faces are covered in.
However: Before you start going HAM on the powder pigment, or end up glowing like testing moisturisers made of cum is part of your job description, I think it's imperative that you take my Beauty School Dropout Party Season Quiz. You don't want to get thrown out of your rich friend's dinner party because the kids can't sleep while there's a clown in the house. And that's what will definitely happen if you don't take this quiz, so come on: All you need is a pen and half a braincell.
Actually, you don't even need a pen, this is the internet.
1. Liquid eyeliner can prove to be a good look, but only when used in abundance on totally cocaine-addled, whited out skin. But how should you apply it?
a) I assume you’ve already prepped your face, and applied foundation and concealer. Start with a primer, and then apply a highlighting eye shadow all over the lid. Using a slightly darker shadow, lightly draw a line where the liner will go. Use your liquid eyeliner to trace this shape, drawing it out to the brow-bone and increasing thickness each time. Leave to dry.
b) Close your eyes and draw a line. I’m sure you got it right first time, no need to check.
c) Panic, do one eye, panic some more, decide you don’t like it. Finally remove all make-up so that your eyes look very tiny and red, cry a little bit, have a large glass of wine and stay in.
2. Fake eyelashes are cool, if you’re into looking slutty – no judgement, everyone is at some point. Chances are you have several pairs knocking around at the bottom of a cupboard somewhere, because you got them for free that time you bought a six-month supply of tampons at Boots. Dig a pair out, and then choose one of the following:
a) Realise that the glue has dried up, so use UHU instead. Freak-out about how alcohol has finally blinded you (it hasn't) when the lashes bind your eyes closed.
b) Trim appropriately un-garish lashes down to size, and apply a thin layer of lash glue. Apply lashes with sanitised tweezers, and press into place. Using a lash comb, gently brush your natural lashes and the false lashes together. Then man up and hang yourself. You own a lash comb.
c) Stare at the packet of false eyelashes for ten minutes, while debating what your ex-boyfriend would have said. Read instructions until you reach “leave glue for 30 seconds until it becomes tacky”. Realise that there are in fact more tacky things you could stick onto your face. Discard.
3. Though it’s not often considered one of the essentials, blusher has managed to quietly creep its way into battered make-up bags nationwide. As far as you’re concerned, blusher should be:
a) As heavy as possible so that no matter whose party you decide to go to people think you're embarrassed to be there.
c) Thrown into the sea.
4. It’s Christmas and you’ve been invited to countless luxurious dinners. Your idea of making an effort involves:
a) A thick layer of utterly wrong, pinky-red lip gloss that you found in an old Body Shop bag, circa 2008.
b) Wearing a bra and shaving your legs.
c) A light dusting of gold glitter on your upper eyelid, plus silver to highlight the inner corners, liptint, a glistening tan and a lovely, sparkly party dress. Quick note: When you make this much effort and then catch yourself in a mirror looking a bit cross-eyed and crap, it’s going to hurt so much more than if you refuse to brush your hair ever and look a total mess all the time.
5. Lipstick should be:
a) Dark and matte and always a bit slutty. At least slutty enough to make you act "slinky" when you’re wearing it.
b) Hydrating, long lasting and scientifically colour-matched to your skin tone at a "pod" in Selfridges.
c) The exact colour of your foundation, so that your eyes look bigger and more radiant, and your lips look like two really, really cold labia flaps.
6. Your handbag beauty essentials include:
a) Deodorant. Nothing is as essential as a product that can mask the smell of last night’s Lamb Pasanda oozing from your armpit pores.
b) Someone once told you that living without Shu Uemura eyelash curlers was practically poverty. These have been jabbing your hand from the lining of your bag when you scramble around for a cigarette ever since.
c) A light, mineral-based concealer, lip balm, an absolutely tiny hairbrush and some lube, in case you actually manage to have sex for the first time in three years and you need some uhm... help.
7. Let's talk hair for a second, shall we? You’re plumping for:
a) Those "ringlets" you let your best-friend do with a hair straightener when you were on a rosé high (and that made your hair smell like burning plastic, just like crack cocaine does).
b) Normal hair plus glitter hairspray (totally Tumblr-viable).
c) Hairspray, salt-spray and an hour spent delicately teasing your whitegirl dreads into shape.
8. Your epitome of your party season style is:
a) Sophie Ellis-Bextor's unfathomably wise jaw.
b) The dollar sign in Ke$ha's name.
c) Glenn Close's boiling bunny.
9. Glamourous shoes are always:
10. It’s the morning after, and you have to go to work looking like Beyonce used your face as a catwalk while wearing Manolos (they’re back: bombshell). What’s your quick-fix beauty tip so that your boss/teacher/boyfriend doesn't know you're an alcoholic?
a) You manage to drag yourself up and into the shower, wash your hair and make yourself shockingly presentable given the aching chasm where your stomach should be. Large soya cappuccino’s throughout the day will help you maintain the ruse, but I can’t guarantee that your face will stop feeling like a tight skin mask. Profound stuff!
B) Oh babe... Eye drops, tinted moisturiser, gel blush, nude lip, dry shampoo, cuticle oil, supplements, fish oil, back spasms, dry heaves, unexplainable neck pain, crushing paranoia, vertiginous giddiness, sore tits, anal fissures.
C) Glugging a Smirnoff Ice in the disabled toilets before indulging in what you will describe later as a "tactical vom". Possible mid-morning McDonald's. Talk really loudly and laugh at the jokes you tell yourself in your head that don't make sense to anyone else.
1) A:15 – B:5 – C:10
2) A:5 – B:15 – C:10
3) A:5 – B:15 – C:10
4) A:5 – B:10 – C:15
5) A:10 – B:15 – C:5
6) A:10 – B:5 – C:15
7) A:5 – B:10 – C:15
8) A:15 – B:5 – C:10
9) A 5/B 15/C 10
10) A:10 – B:15 – C:5
50 – 80
I’d recommend hanging up your heels this season. Judging by your hopelessness, the disasters which will ensue really aren’t worth risking a quick snog behind a vending machine for.
80 – 120
You’re good, not swinging too far in either direction. You never let anybody do your make-up for you because it always turns out the wrong side of drag (on purpose?) and you know your Barry M from your Bumble & Bumble.
120 – 150
Go eat worms and get a life. The only thing worse than "a smokey eye" are slanted tinting brushes, blotting sheets and eyebrow groomers. Didn’t your mum ever tell you that the only sure-fire way to make yourself beautiful is by holding your face over a big bowl of boiling water?
All images are screenshots from 13 Going on 30
Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes