Science Says You Can Evolve a Bigger Penis By Simply Fucking More

Read: America Has Successfully Sewn a Dead Guy's Penis onto a Living Man

If, like me—a man who has an inordinate amount of sex, to the point where it becomes a mechanical endeavor, the climax serving only as a momentary distraction from the robotic horror of coitus—then you're in luck. Us heavy-intercourse men are getting bigger dicks, and it's all got something to do with beetles.

A study published by journal Evolution and conducted by scientists at the University of Exeter, found that the male burying beetle can lengthen the size of its penis through above-average mating over the course of ten generations. The female burying beetle, on the other hand, will eventually grow claws in its reproductive organs.

Predictably, the lady beetles come off worse out of this whole thing because, according to the study, "too much sex can be costly for female burying beetles as it reduces their ability to provide parental care." The dudes, however, can fuck as many beetles as they want and their dicks subsequently get bigger. All the ladies get is too many kids and a load of pincers in their vaginas. Looks like patriarchy is alive and well in the beetle world.

The rate of evolution in these beetle dicks is quite remarkable, though. As Dr. Paul Hopwood from the University of Exeter pointed out: "It's fascinating how genital evolution can happen so fast—in ten generations—showing how rapidly evolutionary changes can occur."

Nobody's suggested the same thing could happen to humans—YET. But hey, if it works for beetles, why shouldn't it work for us?