You may have read the other day that former WBA and IBF light-welterweight champion, personal friend of Katie Price and sometime fashionista Amir Khan was the subject of an attempted robbery recently. The story goes that Amir and his brother Haoon (who is also a boxer) were heading back to their hunna-G Range Rover after a night out in Birmingham (the glamour) when they were set upon by a bunch of thuggy guys armed with a cosh.
Khan claims that he and his brother then set about them like Steven Seagal in a bar full of bikers who hate Native Americans and knocked seven shades of Midlands shit out of them. Cue lots of people on Twitter talking about what a badass Khan is.
However, there are two sides to every story and amazingly, the robbers have come forward. Much like the London gangs who claimed to have jacked Juelz Santana's chain when he came to London, a man who says he represents a UK hip-hop crew called the Brum-Town Bullyz has dropped a video claiming that the confrontation actually played out very differently.
Sure, he seems unhinged enough to be the kind of person who'd turn to violent crime, and he seems pretty insistent that he and his friends did it, but is he actually telling the truth? Is our masked magician a Brum-Town Bully, or is this Brum Town bullshit? I decided to utilise my expert knowledge of hip-hop call-out videos and counterfeit Louis Vuitton products to weigh up the evidence like a rap game Judge Judy.
EXHIBIT #1: THE ALIBI
Of course, every good trial needs a shaky alibi, and in this case, it seems that both parties have them. As is the protocol, we should probably hear the victim's case first, but according to Khan, the muggers were the real victims here. Khan claims that it was no biggie, that he and his brother calmly dispatched all of the street rats and then drove off calmly in the safety of their pussywagon.
On the other hand, this man – who's known only as "Tony Montana", by the way – claims that Amir and his brother recieved the biggest whooping a British boxer has had since Audley Harrison last got in the ring.
A surefire way of ascertaining what really happened would be to check for cuts and bruises on both parties' faces. While Amir looked sharp as ever at his press conference a few days ago, the Birmingham Scarface hides behind a balaclava, which – even though there are obvious legal motivations – somewhat undermines his claims of being unblemished in the incident. Combine that with his indignant "I'll get you back" tone, and it's him who comes across like the victim.
EXHIBIT #2: THE LOOT
Amir Khan hasn't said anything about stuff being stolen off him in the incident, but then again you probably wouldn't if the things that were stolen from you included both a man bag, and a man purse (I'm not having that it's a "pouch", that's a fucking man bag), especially if a large part of your job involves trying to look hard. I mean, he could've said that he'd been stripped of his pashmina and Sleater Kinney album and he'd probably still come out looking tougher than he would if he'd lost these things.
The best way to tell if these items are Amir's or not is probably to judge if they're counterfeit or not. Unless this guy hates Mr Khan so much that he went out and dropped a couple of grand on the real versions, they're either stolen or counterfeit. Looking at them you'd have to go with counterfeit; the leather looks cheap and cushion-y, like a knockdown price DFS armchair or a jacket from one of those shops on Oxford St that nobody goes in.
Then add in the fact that Khan probably would tell the police if his car had been nicked, and that Montana seems to be saying that he stole it, and you've got to start thinking he could be lying.
EXHIBIT #3: THE FIGHT
Towards the end of the vid, Mr Montana goes from being just an angry internet thug in a ski-mask, to Norman Mailer, giving us some unique criticisms of Khan's strengths as a fighter. From Hemingway to Steve Bunce, boxing has always attracted thinkers, they call it the "noble sport", it's mano y mano in its purest essence, it is life and it is death. Apparently Khan's got wobbly legs, which is demonstrated with an expertly teed up video (no screensaver embarrassments here) of Khan's knock out at the hands of US fighter Danny Garcia.
Now, we can't tell how hard this guy is (though he does seem to be insane, which is a bonus in any fight), but I'm willing to guess that with his knowledge of the game, he might be something of a fighter himself – perhaps even a previous opponent of Khan's. Not somebody he'd remember, but somebody he once trounced in a schoolboy fight. Someone who's ended up beating up drunks on the door at a local Wetherspoons while Khan fights in Vegas.
EXHIBIT #4: THE GANG
As a parting shot, Tony mentions his crew at the end. Probably not the best idea, but he seems intent on giving his mandem some notoreity. He tells Khan that he'd messed with a gang called the "Brum-Town Bullyz". Now, as somebody whose entire knowledge of MIdlands street culture comes from Original Pirate Material, I'm probably not the man to comment on these things. I asked a colleague from somewhere near Brum-Town if he'd heard of them, and he hadn't either. So then I googled the name, and found this – a UK hip-hop crew:
To be honest, even he was affiliated with this crew it wouldn't be saying much. They all seem to be the wrong side of 35 and look like youth workers who go around scaring kids with tales of prison rather than young stars in the hood.
FINAL VERDICT: COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT
Tony Montana is quite clearly either a fantasist, a liar, somebody with a grudge, or all three. It seems as though he's got some kind of deep-seated issue with Amir Khan, which probably comes from having been decked by him at some point. Whether this happened in the robbery or in a church hall boxing match in their youth, I'm not entirely sure.
Which isn't to say I don't think this guy deserves another pop at Khan, a chance to settle old scores. Don King, Frank Warren, Children In Need, if you're reading this, let's make it happen. Hire out The Bullring, Jasper Carrott can compere, the winner gets a ticket to visit the sea.
Follow Clive on Twitter: @thugclive
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