You've heard of Vine by now, right? It's that new app that Twitter launched last Thursday that allows users to embed six-second video clips on an infinite loop into their tweets. Of course, because it's the internet, hours into its infancy people were already uploading clips of dicks and asses and vaginas and imaginative erotic combinations of all three.
Somehow, one of those videos wound up featuring as an "Editor's Pick" on the Vine homepage, which was primarily funny, but also caused the media to lose their shit on behalf of right-minded people everywhere and forced Twitter into making a public apology.
There's no age limit when it comes to using the app, so I guess, if you're a parent whose child uses Vine, you have the right to expect tighter content controls. (Or, y'know, just stop your kid using it. You can do that, don't believe everything your offspring say, ChildLine won't really go nuts.)
There's a bigger question here, though, one that looms over the outrage but that no one seems to prepared to answer. Namely, what kind of sexually crazed mutant can get off on a looped, six-second porn clip? An overexcited virgin? Someone who's never seen body parts touching before? A sexual guru hermetically sealed to the floor of their masturbatorium in a pool of bodily fluids?
Guessing is boring, so here is a boy and girl trying to get off to Vine clips to see if they are actually sexually crazed mutants.
Hey guys. This is me on the way back from visiting my boyfriend this past weekend. He's going away for a while and we hadn't managed to have sex, so I was feeling pretty pent up and bummed out. But masturbating is always a sure-fire way to release all the anger that's been building up inside of you, gushing the tension out in one furious torrent of sexy hate, so the Vine challenge came at a perfect time for me.
As you'll recall from your sex education lessons at school, there's no more romantic or sanitary place to get to know yourself sexually than in a cramped train toilet. I waited for the sweaty man who was in there before me to work his way down the carriage a little, went in and took a seat. To be honest, I was a little put out, his cleavage was far more voluptuous than mine is or will ever be. I felt like I was disappointing the mirror. Not an ideal start.
The first clip was a straight-up penetration loop, which was alright, but far too rudimentary to get anything stirring. Also, it immediately made me aware that Vine isn't offering some new dawn of girl-curated, girl-orientated smut. It adheres to the same model as most porn 2.0: i.e. lonely, straight men helping other lonely, straight men cum. I'm not one of those girls who can only get off to porn if the actress is wearing nice shoes and the guy looks like a trustworthy man with a steady job who won't let down your children, but I found it a little hard to get into six-second close-ups of tit wanks and splayed assholes.
VIDEOS TWO, THREE AND FOUR
I cheated a little and tracked down a selection of videos that I thought might actually work on me. They all started out a little better, in that they didn't just look like videos of short-tempered wrestlers trying to plunge toilets with their dicks. But that glimpse of hope was shattered as soon as the guy in each video shoved his tongue down the girl's ass or his whole hand in her mouth, like a rapey dentist with a complete lack of self-control and dental training.
VIDEOS FIVE AND SIX
Again, I was kinda floundering here. "Cumshot facial" appears to be a popular tag, and you know what? I don't actually mind cumshot facials. But I'm used to seeing them as isolated incidents in the context of 30-minute clips, not over and over again in six-second clips, a never-ending waterfall of sperm cascading down onto some poor girl's face. Six-second cumshot loops are the most male gaze-y thing ever: they remove all the build-up and just zoom right in on the end product, locking the actor forever in a world of endless climax. Also, there aren't many things worse to get in your eye than spunk. The stinging from that can really ruin your day.
The girl in this video (above) was actually pretty hot and looked like she was genuinely enjoying herself. Shame I was watching it as a looping GIF, which hammered the sincerity out of her groans and grins on every rotation.
VIDEO EIGHT, NINE AND TEN
The next couple of videos instantly pushed me down into an arid valley of pornographic torture. I spent five of the six seconds of one video trying to discern whether the gaping, cum-covered hole I was looking at was an ass or a vagina, and the whole of another one dry retching at a selfie video of some guy jerking his own tight, veiny cock. Despite the fact it boasted Likes from both "Ride My Cock" and "SexyBack", it failed to make me approach anything nearing an orgasm.
The whole 60-second experience was a complete turn off. The only mil of moisture to work its way out of my body was a solitary tear for the years of upcoming sexual experiences that are going to be ruined as I think back to my train toilet fumble. The good news is that a collage of all my search terms popped up on vineroulette.com, so if my grandma ever gets on Twitter, she can learn all about my love of gross, aggressive sex and we'll finally have something in common we can discuss at Christmas.
If you've ever seen a computer before, then you'll know that finding porn online is as easy as just smushing your hand onto the keyboard and hitting return on Google Images. (Honestly, try it, it works every time.)
Finding genuinely homemade porn on Vine, however, is like sideboob-spotting at a nunnery – most of the clips are ripped directly from RedTube, which was a bit of a let down. The only DIY smut peddlers I found there were one guy named "Mis-S", who's got a monopoly on the anal plug market, and another called "Rrr" who proves that Nietzsche was right all along: if you gaze into a stranger on the internet's sphincter long enough, it gazes back into you.
I’ve cum in 60 seconds before, but sadly my early adult years have dulled my libido. So, realising I'd be trying to achieve my first supersonic orgasm without the added incentive of not getting caught by distraught parents, a park ranger or my Geography teacher, I lit an aromatic candle and burned some incense to set the mood.
VIDEO ONE AND TWO
Having navigated a gauntlet of GIFs ripped from RedTube and a cavernous anal fissure of profiles set up by guys fixated on sharing their furry cracks with the world, I eventually settled on Lex Steel's page – the only user I could find with a pornfolio that didn't make my balls scared.
The first video was a woman sucking another woman's toe. Now, I understand fetishes are entirely subjective; if slowly running your tongue over hardened callouses somehow gets you hard, that's fine. But it's not for me. There was a second or so at the end of the toe sucking where one girl had her panties pulled aside, which gave me a quick quiver, but that instantly subsided every time it looped back on to the slobbery feet.
The second video mostly comprised of a guy struggling to pop it in, before getting an awkward rhythm going and making the kind of quietly content face you pull when you finally find your keys behind the sofa or win £3 on a scratchcard. Which, on a loop, turns erotic into mundane distressingly quickly.
VIDEO THREE AND FOUR
The bleak, vacant stare and worryingly Yewtree title initially had me scrolling straight past this one, but as soon as she started lashing furiously at this guy's asshole with her tongue, I knew I'd discovered something special – a scatological saviour in a wasteland of entry-level smut.
Rim-jobs are a personal passion of mine: they feel glorious and they're pretty much impossible to fuck up. If they could make me cum, I'd give up penetration altogether. So, as you can probably imagine, that video set me going on a race to the end.
Sadly, the next video – an animation of Lois Griffin from Family Guy giving Peter a blowjob – sent me tumbling into flop-flop land. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hate Family Guy.
VIDEO FIVE, SIX AND SEVEN
By this point, my complete lack of coordination was starting to fuck with the experiment. Synching a scroll with one hand while jerking off with the other was too much for my brain to handle (I could never do that head rub, tummy tap thing: it's coming back to bite me now). So I dropped my phone to the sofa, sat up straight, settled on a single clip and concentrated.
This one was great. Watching the girl's ass jiggle was hypnotic, a bit like staring into a lava lamp, only there weren't mesmerising wax formations, there was a dick repeatedly thrusting into an asshole on an eternal loop. I'm a simple man of simple pleasures, and infinite anal just about pips the post for me. I glanced over to the timer – 14 seconds to go.
If I told you that Vine was the future of wanking, I’d be a liar. But it is a reflection of our time. We've all known for a while that masturbation isn’t a cinematic experience any more; it’s a scavenger hunt where we flick hysterically between Spankwire tabs as if we're trying to absorb everything we can in the five minutes or so it generally takes one person to make themselves cum.
Vine is simply an exaggeration of this – a caricature of instant gratification in its basest and most obvious form, an absurd wanker factory that has more to do with Duchamp and Henry Ford than it does Belladonna.
You go in, you get what you want and you get out – it's almost as if it's post-porn, something made for people who'd rather get the orgasm itself out of the way and take a short-cut to the shame.