Portrait by Bobby Dohertyhave been called an atheist. I donât describe myself as such, but now I have proof that Iâm notâI spoke to God! He granted me an interview via his publicist, Chip Labow of Labow & Sons PR. I arranged an audience with the deity and got a photo of him. He even signed my cast. Why didnât I give him something more permanent to autograph?! Oops! In case youâre wondering, his signature wasnât all that greatâa big G followed by squiggly lines and a small dot for a flourish. Itâs a mess. Oh, I should say, the interview had some strict limitations. I was only allowed to speak with âHis Majestyâ for 15 minutes, and I couldnât tape it so I had to take written notes. He required that we meet at a place of his choosing: a hill called Cumorah in Rochester, New York (I asked him why, and you can see his answer below). I had to bring three chilled bottles of Yoo-hoo and antibacterial hand wipes. Whatever, it was all worth it. I wanted to ask him about the Westboro Baptist Church, particularly their incendiary protest signs. He answered all of my questions⊠well, sort of.Vice: OK, letâs get right to it. The first sign I want to ask you about says GOD HATES FAGS. What do you think about that?
God: Itâs colorful. Easy to read. Itâs probably a bit too large to hold up straight, especially if it was windyâ Yeah, but what about whatâs written on it? Do you hate âfagsâ? Does it say that you âhateâ gay people in the Bible?
I havenât read that book in a while, so I donât know what it says verbatim. They have included a reference number on the sign, so I donât want to contradict them at this point. Iâd have to do some research and get back to you.What about this other one that says FAG FAMILY VALUES?
[chuckles, then coughs] Sorry, I have a tickle in my throat. Uh, I donât even know what that sign means. They have drawn two stick figures butt-fucking, but thereâs no penis, so I guess the one guy isnât very turned-on⊠itâs confusing. You donât think itâs trying to say that all gay people care about is anal sex, and they donât have well-balanced lives?
I think you are reading into it. I canât comment, because I donât fully understand it. I have many followers and, uh, I, uh⊠appreciate all of them, and all the ways they worship me. Next question.This one has to make you mad, though. Should people really be praying for more dead soldiers?
Pray for their soulsâthat they are pure and accepted into heaven to worship me, maybe? Again, this sign is unclear. Look, itâs not my job to tell my followers what to think. My job, here in heaven, is to listen to the people, and thatâs it. But isnât that a bit fast and loose? After all, you are the leader of the church. Youâre not willing to stand up to statements that are obviously meant to be hurtful?
I just outlined my relationship with my followers, as I understand it. I believe homosexuals are doing what they feel is natural and following me with their best intentions. I believe these Westerbury [sic] people are expressing their understanding of, uh, my, uh, admittedly complicated, uh, directives. I have many followers and I take them all at their word. But doesnât this kind of ignorance concern you? Theyâre putting such ugly thoughts in your mouth.
I contain multitudes. Listen, the Westerbury yokelsâand I say this with love because I NEED yokelsâthey have a right to think what they want. Thatâs free will, and itâs not my job to tell them theyâre wrong. Thereâs a lot of information out there, and people read a lot of things into the Bible, but Iâ You donât think you should stand up to people who might be misreading it, orâŠ
Iâve made clear what I believe the facts to be. Iâm just trying to do my job, which is to focus on spending cuts. [laughs] What? Spending cuts?
Iâm trying to get the deficit down in heaven. No one needs wing wax, certainly not archangels who just sit on thrones and donât even fly very much. I have a lot on my plate.Sure, of course, but can I ask about one more sign? The one that says FAGS EAT POOP.
Is that a joke? I suppose that has happened. But a lot of people eat poop. The way food is processed, handled, served⊠if anyone in the chain of delivery doesnât wash their hands thoroughly after a bowel movement, well⊠everybodyâs eaten poop. I donât hold that against anyone. Itâs a fact of life. Certainly, no one should ever feel bad about it. One more question, please: Why are we meeting here on this hill in Rochester? Is it because this is where Joseph Smith received the original golden tablets from the archangel Moroni?
So I DID leave them here! I knew it! Damn! Where are they now? I donât know. They must have disappeared.
Yeah, somebody probably melted them down and turned âem into gold teeth for a rapper. Shoot! My bad. What a boob! Me, I mean. Iâm the boob. [chuckles]
God: Itâs colorful. Easy to read. Itâs probably a bit too large to hold up straight, especially if it was windyâ Yeah, but what about whatâs written on it? Do you hate âfagsâ? Does it say that you âhateâ gay people in the Bible?
I havenât read that book in a while, so I donât know what it says verbatim. They have included a reference number on the sign, so I donât want to contradict them at this point. Iâd have to do some research and get back to you.What about this other one that says FAG FAMILY VALUES?
[chuckles, then coughs] Sorry, I have a tickle in my throat. Uh, I donât even know what that sign means. They have drawn two stick figures butt-fucking, but thereâs no penis, so I guess the one guy isnât very turned-on⊠itâs confusing. You donât think itâs trying to say that all gay people care about is anal sex, and they donât have well-balanced lives?
I think you are reading into it. I canât comment, because I donât fully understand it. I have many followers and, uh, I, uh⊠appreciate all of them, and all the ways they worship me. Next question.This one has to make you mad, though. Should people really be praying for more dead soldiers?
Pray for their soulsâthat they are pure and accepted into heaven to worship me, maybe? Again, this sign is unclear. Look, itâs not my job to tell my followers what to think. My job, here in heaven, is to listen to the people, and thatâs it. But isnât that a bit fast and loose? After all, you are the leader of the church. Youâre not willing to stand up to statements that are obviously meant to be hurtful?
I just outlined my relationship with my followers, as I understand it. I believe homosexuals are doing what they feel is natural and following me with their best intentions. I believe these Westerbury [sic] people are expressing their understanding of, uh, my, uh, admittedly complicated, uh, directives. I have many followers and I take them all at their word. But doesnât this kind of ignorance concern you? Theyâre putting such ugly thoughts in your mouth.
I contain multitudes. Listen, the Westerbury yokelsâand I say this with love because I NEED yokelsâthey have a right to think what they want. Thatâs free will, and itâs not my job to tell them theyâre wrong. Thereâs a lot of information out there, and people read a lot of things into the Bible, but Iâ You donât think you should stand up to people who might be misreading it, orâŠ
Iâve made clear what I believe the facts to be. Iâm just trying to do my job, which is to focus on spending cuts. [laughs] What? Spending cuts?
Iâm trying to get the deficit down in heaven. No one needs wing wax, certainly not archangels who just sit on thrones and donât even fly very much. I have a lot on my plate.Sure, of course, but can I ask about one more sign? The one that says FAGS EAT POOP.
Is that a joke? I suppose that has happened. But a lot of people eat poop. The way food is processed, handled, served⊠if anyone in the chain of delivery doesnât wash their hands thoroughly after a bowel movement, well⊠everybodyâs eaten poop. I donât hold that against anyone. Itâs a fact of life. Certainly, no one should ever feel bad about it. One more question, please: Why are we meeting here on this hill in Rochester? Is it because this is where Joseph Smith received the original golden tablets from the archangel Moroni?
So I DID leave them here! I knew it! Damn! Where are they now? I donât know. They must have disappeared.
Yeah, somebody probably melted them down and turned âem into gold teeth for a rapper. Shoot! My bad. What a boob! Me, I mean. Iâm the boob. [chuckles]