Dogmageddon

The Ravens Are God's Favourites

By Rick Paulas

Did you attend a big shindig yesterday – with many servings of cheese-laden nachos, American beer, meatballs, hot wings, dips that have at least seven layers of tasty fat stacked on top of one other and that sad, mostly ignored tray of vegetables in the corner – in honour of the Big Sporting Event? If so, I'd like to give you a little brain exercise to partake in. Try to remember who was at the party. Line them up inside your head. Now, make a mental note of every fourth person in that line-up. Those people believe the game's final score had nothing to do with practice, skill, or knowing when to zig when the opposition believes they're going to zag. Those one-out-of-every-fours believe the winner was determined by God.  

Those are the findings from a new poll by the Public Religious Research Institute. From their random sampling of Americans, they found that 27 percent of folks believe God determines the winner. A further sampling shows that 53 percent of Americans think God rewards athletes who believe in Him with good health and great success. In other words, yesterday, God chose his most-loved, and by default his most-hated, Harbaugh brother.

The lesson in all this? God doesn't give a shit if you go to church on Sunday, seeing as he's more worried about the game.

On to the roundup!

- Speaking of the big game, last week Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was accused of using a deer-based supplement in order to play football in a, what, more antlered-fashion? In response to the allegations, Lewis blamed the whole thing on the devil.

- In Los Angeles, Catholic Cardinal Roger Mahony has been officially relieved of his public duties after it was revealed he assisted in helping priests accused of pedophilia escape from prosecution. That said, the move's mostly symbolic, seeing as he'll still live the life of a retired priest hanging out at his parish in North Hollywood.

- Over in Pakistan, 21 people were killed in suicide bomb attack outside a Shia mosque.

- The war in northeast Nigeria between the country's military and Islamist militants Boko Haram is getting randy, with the military killing at least 17 insurgents in a raid.

- Meanwhile, Mali has become a mess, with the UK and French forces joining the coalition that's trying to retake the northern part of the country from the hands of Islamist terrorists. In fact, it's getting so rough there, the US is planning on adding a drone base in the area. Unfortunately, this has lead to the insurgents burning libraries full of ancient manuscripts as they flee. Fucking jerks.

- In St. Louis, a pastor went to her local Applebee's, had herself a nice dinner, got the check and noticed the receipt contained one of those “here's the amount an 18% tip would be” lines of assistance that most receipts contain these days. Instead of acting normal, she wrote “I give God 10%, why do you get 18?”, wrote a big fat zero on the tip amount, and left. Of course, as these things go, the waitress uploaded the receipt, and the image went viral. The pastor saw her receipt online, called Applebee's, complained and the waitress was fired. The end.  

- In La Grande, Oregon, a 15-year-old boy hung himself in the playground of his school after being bullied for being gay. Congressionally related: Tennessee is once again trying to pass their infamous “Don't Say Gay” bill, which bars teachers from talking about any non-heterosexual relationship with their students, this time with the added stipulation that a teacher is required to tell a child's parents if they suspect the kid's gay.  

- Do you live in Texas? Did you spend $30 on a “Choose Life” license plate? Did you spend that much thinking that $22 of that was going to organisations who provide counseling to pregnant women and try to get them to give up their babies to adoption rather than abortion? You got suckered then, my friend. Buying these plates helps zero charities.

- The Twitter account @HSMPress, an outlet for Islamist militants Al-Shabaab, was suspended after tweeting out a video of one of their captives.

- Israel, in one of the biggest “yikes” moves in recent memory, admitted they've been giving Ethiopian Jewish immigrants birth control injections without their knowledge, telling the women they were just being inoculated. That's some shady shit there, Israel.

- Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, the “mastermind” behind that whole fake dead girlfriend of Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o hoax thingy, went on the Dr. Phil show and said that he is trying to “recover” from being a homosexual. The same kind of thing that a drug addict goes through, he said. And yes, that's the same terminology those terrible preachers use to make people believe being gay is a problem that needs to be fixed.

- Christian conservative radio hosts Kevin Swanson and Dave Buehner believe that some feminists are “cute,” some are “ugly,” but that all of them are “family-destroying whores.”

- The Supreme Court arguments over gay marriage continued last week, this time with lawyers opposing gay marriage arguing that only unions between a man and a woman can “produce unplanned and unintended offspring,” whereas same-sex partners have to go through “substantial advance planning” to have a kid. Which is a case for making same-sex marriage illegal, somehow?

- Chris Brown, the rapper who beat up his girlfriend and has generally been a terrible person, Instragammed a painting he made of Jesus on the cross, saying that's how he feels.

And Our Person(s) of the Week: The Boy Scouts of America, but only as long as they continue their rumoured plans to end their long-standing ban on all gay scouts and scout leaders.

Previously - A Catholic Hospital Is Arguing That a Fetus Is Not a Person

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