To fuck or not to fuck? I feel like that’s the eternal question among girls, or at least among the neurotic “looking for love” ladies that I associate with (luv u galz!). The consequences of fucking a dude right off the bat, whether it’s a first date or just upon meeting in a bar, is that you never know what you’re going to get. But if you walk away STD and child free at the end of it, I’d say you’re doing OK.
I once went on a date with a dude that I really liked. (Well, “really liked” might be a gross exaggeration, the only time we’d ever spent together was that date, because being the sassy millennials we are, we met on Twitter.) It was a great date, and it’s not often that I go on great dates because every dude I meet is in a band on the side or rides a skateboard and COME ON YOU’RE 32.
Anyway at the end of the night when we were kissing by the Buck Hunter machine (literally the most romantic place you can kiss me, next to “at McDonald's”) and I could feel his massive boner pressing into my hip, I had a decision to make. I really wanted to do sex, but I wound up drunkenly slurring that blue balling phrase I think girls say because it makes them seem coy and hard to get: “I’d like to see you again so I’m not going to fuck you tonight.”
It felt like it was the right decision. I did want to see this dude again, more than I wanted to get laid, which I guess is probably really mature and adult of me, who knows, maybe it’s time for me to get married and have a baby and just make sensible decisions about things like wallpaper, too. He seemed totally chill with the decision, and he even communicated with me for a few days afterwards.
Then he disappeared and I never saw or heard from him again. Maybe he was mad because I blue balled him, or maybe he was “just not that into me”. Either way, the moral of the story is, if you want to see someone again, it doesn’t matter if you fuck them or don’t fuck them right away. THERE IS NO RIGHT TIME TO FUCK.
Here are some other reasons why you should fuck a guy ASAP:
Because You Want to Fuck
I mean, why do you do anything? (Except like, going to church with your mum at Easter or having a pap test.) Just do what you want to do when you want to do it. Actually, make sure the other person wants to do it too before you start and everything will be fine.
Because You’ll Never See Him Again
I don’t really “get” the one-night stand thing. I've only had one and it was fucking horrible. The dude just rubbed one out in me and passed out, and I had to sneak out and try and get a cab at 4AM in the freezing cold in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere. Maybe he was just a total cock-head. I don’t know. Maybe the right one night stand is the best looking, dumbest model on Earth and you just want to get him all up in you but not have to converse with him ever again for as long as you live.
Because You’re On the Rebound
When you’re on the rebound, the best thing you can do is just fuck everything you see, as soon as you see it.
Because You’ve Got an Itch You Just Can’t Scratch On Your Own
Have you ever had one of the days when you’re super horny? You’re at work and you can feel this weird warmth between your legs so you have to google “ugly grandmas” to calm yourself down. And you try to solve it on your own at home, but there’s a spot your Rabbit just can't hit. So you spend the rest of the week walking around CONSTANTLY AROUSED. Times like that are a good reason to fuck as soon as you have the opportunity, and not a second later.
Because You’re Only Young and Hot Once (YOYHO)
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and thought 'Dayum, girl!' Your body is only going to look the way it does for a little bit longer. Eventually, your thighs are really going to start doing that cottage cheese in a stocking thing and your boobs are going to decide it’s finally time to check in with their downstairs neighbour, the belly button. You should definitely make this a reason to be naked and adored as much as possible.
Because It Seems Like the Dude Has a Huge Cock
If it’s soft and you can see it through his jeans, that’s a good start, but as in my case (above), sometimes you can feel it too. A huge cock isn’t always the easiest thing to manoeuvre, but it can be a beautiful sight to behold and a pretty solid reason to get jiggy with it.
Because It Will Be an Awesome Story
Maybe it’s just because I have a sex column at VICE, but I’m not one to turn down a weird sexual encounter. Also, it’s great “make everyone laugh and snort orange juice out of their noses at brunch” fodder.
Because You Feel Like That’s the Best Way to Get Him to Like You
LOL, punk’d. That’s a terrible reason to fuck a guy. DO NOT HAVE SEX FOR THIS REASON EVER.