Music

Reasons Why It's Impossible To Get Laid On Tour

By Noisey Staff

The Stones in the 70s, back when it was still possible to crash the custard truck on a nightly basis.

If you've ever gone on tour, some half-drunk uncle has probably pulled you aside at a holiday dinner and demanded the dirt on the finer points of travelin' life. You can just imagine him whisper-spitting into your ear:

"So what's it really like on the road? You know… the groupies? I bet you're playing rumpy pumpy every night, am I right?"

The short answer is... No. You aren't. Unless you're a rapper, or you're a heavy-drinking gay, or you're in a band like Zeppelin who has roadies do the dirty work so the band can shove actual sharks into groupie gash on a nightly basis, your chances of making the beast with two backs diminishes to nearly nil when you're out on the road. I know that sounds stereotypical, but somehow this is true.

I've toured for a good portion of my life, and it may be surprising for all your horndogs to hear that - wait for it - I've actually never seen a single band member meet someone at a show and do the deed that night. Now I know what you're thinking: You're thinking I'm probably just ugly, and have only toured with ugly dinknuts who wouldn't know a serious prospect if it fell onto their genitals. But that's not the case! There are a set of conditions at play on tour that actually make it nearly impossible to nail the dunk pot after a show. Here are a few reasons why.

Read the rest over on Noisey.