©2014 VICE Media LLC

    The VICE Channels

      Reasons Why It's Impossible To Get Laid On Tour Reasons Why It's Impossible To Get Laid On Tour Reasons Why It's Impossible To Get Laid On Tour

      Reasons Why It's Impossible To Get Laid On Tour

      January 9, 2013

      By Noisey Staff


      The Stones in the 70s, back when it was still possible to crash the custard truck on a nightly basis.

      If you've ever gone on tour, some half-drunk uncle has probably pulled you aside at a holiday dinner and demanded the dirt on the finer points of travelin' life. You can just imagine him whisper-spitting into your ear:

      "So what's it really like on the road? You know… the groupies? I bet you're playing rumpy pumpy every night, am I right?" 

      The short answer is... No. You aren't. Unless you're a rapper, or you're a heavy-drinking gay, or you're in a band like Zeppelin who has roadies do the dirty work so the band can shove actual sharks into groupie gash on a nightly basis, your chances of making the beast with two backs diminishes to nearly nil when you're out on the road. I know that sounds stereotypical, but somehow this is true.

      I've toured for a good portion of my life, and it may be surprising for all your horndogs to hear that - wait for it - I've actually never seen a single band member meet someone at a show and do the deed that night. Now I know what you're thinking: You're thinking I'm probably just ugly, and have only toured with ugly dinknuts who wouldn't know a serious prospect if it fell onto their genitals. But that's not the case! There are a set of conditions at play on tour that actually make it nearly impossible to nail the dunk pot after a show. Here are a few reasons why.

      Read the rest over on Noisey.

      -

      Topics: Noisey, tour, bands on tour, sex, groupies

      Comments