Rob Ford is a sentient chunk of Spam and the current mayor of Toronto. He also happens to be VICE Canada's favourite politician, for many reasons. Unfortunately, Rob has been doing a mediocre job at engaging with the kids on social media, and we think we know why: His photographer is awful. While it would behoove the visually clueless political aide Rob has documenting him to read a damn book about the rule of thirds and proper focus, the damage has already been done. Above, you can see one of this photographer’s greater triumphs: Robbie sitting in a flashy McLaren whip, telling his haters that they can’t tell him nothin’. Unfortunately, save for this glorious photo that he has made his Facebook cover image, Rob’s Facebook page is riddled with unflattering portraits.
What the hell is this framing all about? Why are we looking at half of Rob’s rosy face and three-quarters of that seafoam-green vintage Caddy? Is Rob even interested in the Caddy? We could see Rob cruising around the city in this classy vehicle, blaring “Money Ain’t a Thang” and waving at all his gorgeous lady constituents, but please, ask the man to pose for a photo with the car. And what is Rob looking at, anyway? There’s probably something way cooler on the horizon that only Rob can see. Trust this man’s vision.
No! Come on! He doesn’t even have his eyes open and his skin looks like it’s made of bubble gum and ham. Look at the contrast between the shadow on his forehead and the harsh light striking his cheek. His hand looks like it was just stung by an entire wasps' nest. Plus, he’s in front of some boring ancient vehicle that no one has ever wanted to take a photo beside. Why was this uploaded?
The job of an official political photographer is to make his subject look powerful. Most people didn’t even know Franklin D. Roosevelt was crippled because only two photographs exist of him in a wheelchair. And yet here Rob's photographer goes, snitching on the King of Toronto for being afraid of an owl.
Don’t sweat it, Rob. Owls are scary. They don’t have a proper bedtime, and their necks move all crazy and Excorcist-like. VICE does not fault you for this one.
All right, well this is somewhat better. At least this photo portrays our man Rob holding the untestable power of death in his hands. But again, why is the official photographer getting left behind and pushed back by the throng of drooling and obnoxious Canadian media camera crews? This person should have an illuminated vest that clearly states his position as the official documentarian of King Robbie. He should also be armed with bear mace and a baton. And that should be legal. All for the love of the Facebook photo album.
I am beginning to wonder whether or not this photographer even cares about Rob Ford. Look, everyone makes mistakes sometimes, but who looked at this on their camera’s preview LCD and thought: 'Amazing! Rob looks great! Look at how squished up and blurry his face is. That red hue in his face is coming from a mixture of cold weather and sheer frustration at how he’s portrayed in the media. This will play well on the internet!'
The only subject that looks good in this photo is the possum. I can kind of appreciate the angle this photo takes. I feel like I am inside of Rob’s head. So close to his brain and thoughts that I can almost hear the whispering of his third eye: 'That possum might spray me or bite me or somethin' and I don’t know why I’m here.' Beyond mind reading, you can literally see a bead of sweat running down Rob's face.
This is not the kind of message that a Facebook page for a political leader should be communicating. Get a photo where Rob is holding the possum up above his head, Lion King-style, on one knee, screaming out with a bunch of fireworks behind him. This weak image just makes Rob look like he’s afraid of scrappy fuzzballs.
Rob Ford has a face. That is the face that people voted for, tried to discredit and remove from office and eventually heard the bellowing and victorious laughter emerge from when he conquered his adversaries. Why is that face not being photographed? It appears that this photographer is seriously out to injure Rob Ford’s reputation. This is not a Polanksi film or an episode of 60 Minutes – the over-the-shoulder shots are unnecessary. Take a good photo, please.
Okay, that’s more like it. But honestly, this one is shooting fish in a barrel. If you can’t make a mayor in a suit look good while he’s sitting in one of the most expensive and cool-looking cars on the planet, you should be incarcerated and removed from civilisation forever. So good luck out there, Robbie. Your photographer is a saboteur who is dry snitching on you.
Follow Patrick on Twitter: @patrickmcguire
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