St. Tammany Parish Is Weird

By Mac Hackett

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Cornell's stash

St. Tammany Parish, Louisiana, is a place governed by strange logic*. Last week, a man named Cornell Hood II was sentenced to spend the rest of his life in prison after being caught with dealable levels of pot. But this time last week, two guys – one of them a former cop – were given just fifteen years between them after being found guilty of incest.

The case throws up a number of questions, the most obvious being: 'What does Cornell Hood I think?', given that his son was aware a probation officer was coming over for a routine visit, yet still neglected to tidy away TWO POUNDS of weed that was lying around his family home. Hood II also has previous – this is the fourth time the idiot's been caught with more dank than the American legal system thinks he can smoke alone.

But look at these numbers – do they seem right to you?

Former Sheriff's Office deputy James R. Davis – guilty of committing incest with a 17-year-old daughter/grand-daughter/cousin/niece (the familial relationship was withheld to protect the victim's identity). Sentence: 10 years.

Cornell Hood II – found guilty of possessing and attempting to supply cannabis. Sentence: life.

The same judge that ruled in Hood II's case – a Raymond S. Childress – also sentenced a guy called Michael J. Battenburg to 20 years in prison after he stole a camera from Wal-Mart and jumped into a canal. Maybe it was the three burglaries Battenburg was found guilty of – and punished for – all the way back in the 1990s. Maybe Childress just wants to be the only free man in St. Tammany Parish with a name that sounds stolen from a Philip K. Dick novel.

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Michael J. Battenburg

Either way, the message is clear: In St. Tammany Parish, smoking a bit of weed and stealing from multi-billion dollar corporations is worse than having sex with a member of your own family. We hope you're happy, you parish of freaks, when the red-eyed hordes descend upon you to free their harshed brother Cornell, and all that inbreeding means you only have flippers to fight them off with.

Is this a Rosa Parks moment for America's first legal-weed generation? Will the weedos of America, inspired by the success of the SlutWalk movement, rise up as one to oppose this attack on their way of life? Or will they just sit around in their stinking bedrooms eating Doritos and laughing at things like this on the internet in between re-runs of Family Guy?

If it's the latter, head over here. This judge in Wisconsin just sentenced a former school bus driver who sexually abused four kids to a measly seven years of bird, but at least he had the decency to crack a few gay jokes in the process.

* In 2005, St. Tammany Parish was the final stop-off point for Hurricane Katrina. We're aware of this, but can't see how it would have affected the local judicial system's attitude to career stoners.

MAC HACKETT

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