About a year ago I wrote a thing about how Johnny Depp just might be the lamest guy on Earth.
For some reason, a lot of people remember that post, and it's frequently brought up to me by fucking geniuses who say things like "Uhhhh, so you think Johnny Depp is the lamest guy on Earth? What about Kim Jong-un? What about the Dark Knight shooter?"
OBVIOUSLY, I did not mean Johnny Depp is LITERALLY the worst person on Earth. Just because he wears dumb hats and is in shitty movies and is, generally, just an all-around unbearably smug turd, I know that doesn't mean he is worse than a dictator or mass murderer. I am not retarded. CLEARLY, if we're looking at and considering every single person in the entire world and being completely and totally literal, Steven Seagal comes out the worst.
Here are the most terrible things I can think of about him.
HE MAKES INSANE MUSIC
I often worry, when I embed videos on this site, that people reading it might not watch them because they're at work or deaf or whatever, so just in case: this video is a dancehall song that Steven Seagal made, and it contains the following lyrics:
"Me want tha poonani"
"Nice itel breeze, we jammin'"
"That would be phat"
Also, his last album was called "Songs From the Crystal Cave" which sounds like something they would play in Urban Outfitters.
HE'S A COMPULSIVE LIAR
Over the years, Steven has claimed that he:
– Helped train CIA operatives and did "special favours" for them (his ex wife says, "Not at all. He was never in the CIA.")
– Is of Italian descent (he's actually half-Jewish, half-Irish)
– Fought the Yakuza (lol) with assistance from the American mob (lol)
– Is called in to help authenticate antique swords by auction houses as he is one of the world's "foremost experts on swords" (again, lol)
– Was a student of the founder of Akido, Morihei Ueshiba (who died in 1968, meaning Steven would have had to have been a teenager living alone in Japan for that to have happened)
– Speaks four languages fluently (I'm unable to find any evidence of him speaking anything other than English made entirely of lies)
HE POOPED HIMSELF
In a 2002 profile in Vanity Fair, martial artist Gene LeBell claimed he choked out Steven during an Akido exhibition, causing Seagal to poop in his pants. Steven denies it ever happened. But he also said he was a multilingual, Yakuza fighting, CIA assassin. So, ya know...
THESE ARE THINGS HE'S ACTUALLY SAID
– "I’m a very funny guy, if you’ll forgive me for saying so. When I did The Glimmer Man with Keenan Ivory Wayans, he and I were talking about who was funniest, and... I kicked his ass every day." (source)
– "I was born very different, clairvoyant and a healer." (source)
HE RUNS LIKE PHOEBE FROM FRIENDS
THAT TIME HE KILLED THAT DOG AND ALL THOSE CHICKENS
I assume everyone already knows about this, but just to be sure: in March 2011, while filming his reality show Steven Seagal: Lawman (the one where he pretended to be a policeman) Steven was involved in a raid on a person's house that resulted in the death of a puppy and 115 chickens.
Jesus Llovera was suspected of cockfighting. So Mr. Seagal, Sheriff Joe Arpaio (who, himself, is a pretty terrible guy), a camera crew, and a SWAT team turned up at his house with a tank, some other armoured vehicles, and a fucking bomb robot.
Despite the fact that Jesus had no history of weapon ownership, was home alone, and was suspected of cockfighting rather than like, bomb making or murder or something, Steven was allowed to drive a tank through the front wall of the man's home, while the SWAT team smashed through his windows and moved in to arrest him. A puppy belonging to Jesus's children was killed during the raid, and the 115 chickens that Steven and pals were there to rescue ended up being euthanized on the spot. When asked for a comment by a local news station, Seagal said, "animal cruelty is one of my pet peeves."
Also, can you imagine how fucking humiliating it must be to get arrested by Steven Seagal on camera? No matter what your crime is, if you have to go through that level of shame they should just release you with the crime removed from your record. It's inhumane.
HE HAS A BULLET PROOF KIMONO
A fucking bullet proof kimono! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Also, a stylist who fitted him for a tuxedo for the Academy Awards once said, "I had to tailor the tux around two giant guns. He said he needed 'cover' in case 'they' rushed the stage on him. Who 'they' were, I have no idea.'"
HIS HAIR IS REALLY WEIRD AND IT FREAKS ME OUT
HE TAKES HIMSELF VERY, VERY SERIOUSLY
From a profile on Steven in Vanity Fair:
"One day an executive walked into Seagal's trailer and found Hollywood's reigning manly man... weeping. 'Oh, I'm reading this script,' Seagal explained, still misty. 'It's the most incredible script I've ever read.'
'That's fantastic,' the executive said, 'Who wrote it?'
Seagal didn't miss a beat. 'I did' he replied."
Also, here are some things Steven Seagal, star of Under Siege and whatever-that-film-is-called-where-him-and-Ja-Rule-steal-gold-or-something, has said about acting:
"The secret is not to act, but to be."
"I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol."
HE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE HAD SEVERAL SEX SLAVES
In 2010, a 23-year-old former model who was hired as Steven's "executive assistant" claims that, when she showed up to work for her first day, she learned that "Mr. Seagal had been keeping two young female Russian 'attendants' on staff who were available for his sexual needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He was sued for sexual harassment, illegal trafficking of females for sex, failure to prevent sexual harassment, retaliation, wrongful termination and false representation about employment. The matter was "resolved privately" by Steven's lawyer, and the case dismissed.
HE "DESIGNED" AN ENERGY DRINK
Oh, sorry, did I say "energy drink"? I meant "sizzling nutraceutical beverage." (That's really what the press release refers to them as. Yikes.)
Follow Jamie on Twitter - @JLCT