The Hangover News
TORY CHAIRMEN CALLED FOR A DELAY ON THE GAY MARRIAGE VOTE
Probably because they don't like the idea of gay marriage very much
Senior local Conservatives have asked the Prime Minister to delay any parliamentary decision on gay marriage until after the next election amid reports that 180 Conservative MPs plan to defy Cameron's plan to legalise gay weddings.
The Conservative Party and its army of traditionalists and probably closeted bigots has, of course, long been known for its affinity towards the gays, so the call for a delay was unexpected.
Opposing members of the party say that the bill is being pushed through in a way that they find "extremely distasteful", seemingly not realising the irony that denying people who love each other the right to get married is surely far more distasteful than political bureaucracy.
A number of opposing members have threatened to quit over the bill, which is promising for the future of this country's civil rights.
BASHAR AL-ASSAD ACCUSED ISRAEL OF DESTABILISING SYRIA
Syria: the epitome of a stable country
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has accused Israel of trying to "destabilise" his country – a country that, admittedly, has been pretty chill and stable for the past couple of years.
The accusation comes after an air strike in Syria hit what America are claiming was a weapons convoy bound for Lebanon and what Syria claims was a military research centre. Israel's defence minister then hinted that his country was responsible.
Despite the fact that al-Assad said the air strike "unmasked the true role Israel is playing in collaboration with foreign enemy forces and their agents on Syrian soil", pundits say there's no need to worry about retaliation.
Although, if the target of the strike was a weapons convoy, it probably means Syria are trying to supply Hezbollah with anti-tank and anti-aircraft missiles, which doesn't bode well for Israel or anyone who doesn't like lots of needless pain and death.
A MAN WAS TASERED OUTSIDE BUCKINGHAM PALACE FOR WAVING KNIVES AROUND
I don't know why – angry people wielding knives in public is totally NBD
A man got two knives out of his coat outside Buckingham Palace – a site with perhaps the highest constant police presence in central London – and started waving them around.
A police officer tasered him.
The man reportedly wasn't threatening any members of the public, but "acted aggressively" when challenged by police and, obviously, was wielding two massive knives outside Buckingham Palace, so I suppose the tasering is justified.
Buckingham Palace said it wouldn't comment on a police matter, but police said the man was known to them and was mentally ill.
THE WHITE HOUSE CONFIRMED THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS FIRED A GUN
Because you can't trust a man unless he knows how to shoot something with a weapon
Ahead of his appearance in Minneapolis today to talk about his gun control proposals, the White House released a photo of President Obama shooting a gun at Camp David.
Since Obama started publicly flirting with the idea of reforming gun laws, weapons advocates have pulled out just about anything they can, including accusing the president of never firing a gun before, because squeezing a trigger once will change your entire view on civilians buying assault weapons that they can then do whatever they want with.
The NRA, of course, dismissed the picture and warned people not to "trust" it, like it was a lying child or an early 19th century travelling salesman and not a photograph.
Lack of Basic Understanding
A MAN IN TENNESSEE TRIED TO HAVE HIS DOG PUT DOWN FOR BEING GAY
Luckily not everyone in Tennessee is an idiot
A Tennessee dog owner sent his pitbull/bulldog mix to be euthanised because he believed him to be gay.
The man reportedly witnessed his dog mount another male dog, before "refusing to have a gay dog" and sending him to be put down, which is equal parts hilarious, worrying and sad.
The world collectively laughed at the owner's idiocy, then scrambled together a Facebook campaign to save the dog, which worked – Stephanie Fryns wrote that she would "adopt this big boy first thing in the morning".
It emerged that pup is named Elton, which seems like a weird thing for a homophobe to call their dog, but each to their own I guess.