The Hangover News
Important TV Messages
BASHAR AL-ASSAD MADE A RARE SPEECH ABOUT HOW HE DOESN'T LIKE HIS OPPONENTS
Which was shocking news to anyone who's been following the Syria conflict
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad delivered a rare televised speech denouncing his opponents as "enemies of God and puppets of the West", which was a huge shock as everyone expected him to have nothing but nice things to say about the rebels who've been trying to oust him from power for the last year and a half.
The president also accused the rebels of depriving children of school, stealing wheat from the people of Syria and cutting off electricity and medical supplies.
The steps Mr Assad outlined to solve his country's crisis included urging outside powers to stop arming what he called "terrorist groups", contacting "Syrian individuals and political parties" to engage in a conference of national dialogue and establishing a national charter that would be put to a referendum, leading to parliamentary elections and a new government.
A CAT HAS BEEN ARRESTED AFTER CONSPIRING TO AID A PRISON ESCAPE
The cat entered the Brazilian prison with a DIY escape kit taped to its back
A cat was detained at a jail in Arapiraca city, Brazil after it was caught entering prison grounds with contraband goods for prisoners strapped to its body with tape.
Among the confiscated items were files, drill bits, batteries, ear phones, a mobile phone and a charger, which – according to officials – may have been intended to be used as a means of escape or as a way of communicating with people in the outside world.
All inmates are currently being treated as suspects, but in a crushing blow to justice and an announcement that has stunned people the world over, a prison spokesman remarked that "It's tough to find out who's responsible for the action as the cat doesn't speak."
The cat has since been taken to an animal centre, where it will presumably have a difficult time integrating itself back into society before eventually reoffending and being trapped in the system for the remainder of its life.
DAVID CAMERON SAID THAT UKIP CONTAIN "SOME PRETTY ODD PEOPLE"
Then UKIP's leader hit back – it feels like Nas and Jay-Z all over again
The world of UK politics was thrown into a war of words this weekend, when the Prime Minister started hurling insults at UKIP, the party who preemptively describe themselves in their Google search result as "non-racist".
Asked on The Andrew Marr Show whether he would withdraw his previous description of the UKIP party as "fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists", Prime Minister David Cameron replied, "There are some pretty odd people."
No one likes being called odd, even "non-racists", but UKIP leader Nigel Farage brushed off the remarks as an indication of "how disconnected [David Cameron] is".
The public continue to wait with baited breath for the two men to set up Twitter accounts and start calling each other pussy little bitches.
THE HONDURAN AMBASSADOR TO COLOMBIA WAS SACKED AFTER A WILD EMBASSY PARTY
Whoever organised it got some thieving prostitutes in, which sounds like a right laugh
Carlos Rodriguez, the Honduran ambassador to Colombia, has been sacked after a "wild" party was held at the Honduran embassy in Bogota.
An investigation has been launched into allegations that two prostitutes were invited to the party and brought to the building in an embassy vehicle.
With details as specific as that, it doesn't seem that an investigation to find out whether the prostitutes were there is really that necessary.
The two women have been accused of stealing laptop computers and mobile phones from the embassy and authorities in Colombia are now trying to determine who the sex workers are.
SOME GIRLS DRUGGED THEIR PARENTS SO THEY COULD USE THE INTERNET
I don't see what all the fuss is about, it's totally unfair when you're not allowed online
A couple from California reported their 15-year-old daughter and her 16-year-old friend to the police after the pair allegedly gave the parents drugged milkshakes so that they could use the internet late at night.
You might think a slightly more reasonable tactic would have been to sneak quietly to the computer, rather than use prescription sleeping pills to immobilise the people that brought her into this world, but upon hearing the daughter's claims that the 10PM internet curfew is "too strict", the extreme actions become immediately justified.
After waking up "feeling groggy", the parents bought a home drug-testing kit, worked out what had happened and called the police.
It is so far unclear exactly what the pair were looking at online.