The Hangover News
A MAN OPENED FIRE IN A CONNECTICUT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
Most of the 26 dead are children aged six or seven
On Friday, a man – suspected to be 20-year-old Adam Lanza, who shot and killed his own mother before the rampage – forced his way into Sandy Hook elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut and opened fire with a rifle, killing 26 people before turning the gun on himself.
Of the 26 dead, 20 were children aged either six or seven years old.
The tragedy is America's fourth mass shooting in six months, causing many to call for amendments to gun control in the country.
Many more took to social media websites to demand that teachers and staff be permitted to carry guns on school property, because obviously the best way to solve a gun problem is to get loads more of them and put them in schools.
In the shittiest move they've pulled in a long line of really, seriously shitty moves, Westboro Baptist Church have claimed they will be picketing a vigil for Sandy Hook's deceased.
Embarrassing Blows for Justice
AN AMERICAN JUDGE SAID A RAPE VICTIM'S BODY SHOULD HAVE SHUT DOWN IF SHE DIDN'T WANT SEX
Apparently judges don't really have to be that intelligent anymore
In what you might expect to hear from an incoherently drunk idiot or a Republican politician with novel ideas on how human anatomy works, American Judge Derek Johnson has sparked outrage by claiming that if a rape victim really didn't want sex, then her body would shut down to prevent it from happening.
In a quote that manages to simultaneously start out like a bad joke set-up while also irreparably damaging a large amount of the repute that people instinctively give judges, Johnson said, "I’m not a gynaecologist, but I can tell you something, if someone doesn’t want to have sexual intercourse, the body shuts down."
The remark was made in a case involving a man who had threatened to mutilate the face and genitals of his victim with a heated screwdriver, before hitting her with a pipe and raping her.
Because there's clearly nothing wrong with that, Judge Johnson then reduced the sentence of the attacker by ten years.
Lady Justice spent that evening listening to "Things Can Only Get Better" on repeat, crying and throwing old scrapbooks of past victories on to a bonfire.
ALLEGATIONS OF VOTE RIGGING IN THE EGYPTIAN REFERENDUM BEFORE IT'S EVEN FINISHED
Probably not a good sign
Egypt's opposition party, the National Salvation Front (NSF), have accused Mohamed Morsi's Freedom and Justice Party of rigging votes in a referendum that would alter the country's constitution before voting even came to an end.
The constitution would supposedly impose more hard-line Islamist rules on the country, something opponents claim would be divisive and unrepresentative of the country as a whole.
Morsi was elected to power after the Egyptians ousted former President Hosni Mubarak after weeks of protests, riots and self-immolation.
A lot of people still aren't happy in Egypt, and I'm maybe 97 percent sure this isn't going to help.
A FATHER CARVED A PENTAGRAM INTO HIS SIX-YEAR-OLD SON'S BACK
It was on 12/12/12, which is a holy day if you're insane, apparently
Brent Troy Bartel – a 39-year-old man from Fort Worth, Texas – allegedly carved a pentagram into his six-year-old son's back on 12/12/12 because it was "a holy day".
Bartel reportedly told a police officer that he had "shed some innocent blood", before smearing said blood on the front door of his house, prompting belief that he is either a member of the occult, worships Satan, or insane.
The son was released from hospital into his mother's care and is apparently "doing OK".
Bartel is being held on a £31,000 bond on charges of aggravated assault.
Persecution of Lookalikes
THIS MAN WAS REMOVED FROM A DARTS GAME FOR LOOKING A BIT LIKE JESUS
If you have long hair and a beard – well, don't even think about watching men play darts live
From Satan to our saviour, Nathan Grindal – a 33-year-old from Oxford – was ejected from a darts tournament in Somerset after most of the 4,500 people in the arena where the event was being held started chanting "Jesus! Jesus!" at him because he has long hair and a beard.
Staff feared that the chanting would distract the two finalists, Phil Taylor and Kim Huybrechts, and – as if those years of persecution and crucifixions weren't enough – removed Grindal from the arena.
Grindal said: “It was distressing. I was emotionally distraught. In his post-match interview, Phil Taylor said something like, ‘If I ever see Jesus again, I’ll crucify him myself.’ Now that’s just hurtful.”