The Hangover News
A MAN TRIED AND FAILED TO ASSASSINATE A BULGARIAN POLITICIAN ON STAGE
Then had the shit kicked out of him by lots of suited men wearing lanyards
Ahmed Dogan, the leader of the Movement for Rights and Freedoms party (MRF) – which represents the Turkish minority in Bulgaria – narrowly escaped an assassination attempt when Oktai Enimehmedov climbed on stage with him and held a pistol to his head at point-blank range.
Reports suggest that the weapon was a gas pistol that misfired twice, allowing Mr Dogan to push Enimehmedov's hand away, before security officials threw him to the ground.
While on the ground, lots of enraged men in suits took the opportunity to repeatedly batter Enimehmedov with their fists, feet and – in one case – a cane.
Dogan is apparently doing fine, while Enimehmedov was taken to hospital to have his bleeding face repaired.
Unfortunately for him, there is no medical treatment to mend the kind of broken pride that stems from experiencing such a humiliating, public failure.
THE ALGERIAN HOSTAGE CRISIS ENDED
But claimed at least 55 lives, 23 of which were hostages
The Algerian hostage crisis – in which Islamist militants sieged two buses carrying foreign workers, kidnapped them and held them captive at an Algerian gas plant – has ended, after troops raided the complex and freed the remaining hostages.
A final death toll had not been released, but reports suggest that 23 workers at the facility and all 32 of the hostage-takers had been killed during the four day operation.
Mauritanian website Sahara Media claimed that Mokhtar Belmokhtar (above), the alleged organiser of the siege, has claimed responsibility for it in a video message.
The website says Belmokhtar claims he is prepared to negotiate with Western and Algerian leaders if operations against Islamists in Mali are stopped.
Prime Minister David Cameron has since warned that the battle against Islamist terrorism in north Africa "could last decades", so that's good.
LANCE ARMSTRONG HAD A CHAT WITH OPRAH WINFREY ABOUT HIS DOPING
And now everyone thinks he's more of a dick than they did before
Disgraced US cyclist Lance Armstrong was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey about his doping scandal, leading to not only his first televised confession, but also alerting the world to the fact that he's quite a horrible man.
In the interview, Armstrong admitted to being a bully, described the times he sued people who were right about his doping as a "flaw" and failed to properly apologise to Betsy Andreu (an early accuser who was threatened and sued by Armstrong's people), instead – bizarrely – claiming that he never called her fat.
Since the interview was aired, several multi-million dollar legal challenges are set to be launched against Armstrong, including one that claims he defrauded the US taxpayer while riding for the US Postal Service team.
Very little – if any – sympathy has been voiced for Armstrong, which is probably because the general consensus is that he came across as a manipulative jerk, rather than someone who was truly sorry for lying to the world and destroying others' reputations for most of his career.
THE SNOW COULD APPARENTLY PUT THE UK IN A TRIPLE-DIP RECESSION
Which is either bullshit or a depressing reminder of how vastly unprepared we are for anything
Economists have warned that snowfall in the UK over the last few days could potentially push the economy into an unprecedented triple-dip recession.
As transport services around the country ground to a halt – perfectly explainable, because it's not as if it snows every single year – businesses have reportedly been affected in a big way.
At Heathrow, furious passengers vowed to boycott British Airways, with one Canadian woman – who was on her way to Ibiza – claiming "I'm never coming to this country ever again. I will not spend another penny in this country."
So that's one spender down.
Let's see if the slightly adverse weather continues to inexplicably destroy Britain as much as it does every time this happens.
More BBC Slip Ups
THE BBC AIRED A KIDS TV SHOW FEATURING A PUPPET DRESSED AS JIMMY SAVILE
Which wasn't great news, as they had a bit of a scandal involving the late presenter recently
CBeebies have apologised after airing an episode of The Tweenies where a character appears dressed as disgraced presenter and DJ Jimmy Savile.
A recent police report concluded that Savile was a "prolific, predatory sex offender" who abused more than 200 people over a 60-year period, so the fact that the BBC chose to broadcast that rerun of the 2001 episode seemed a little off.
Reports that the corporation are developing software to scan all children's content for the phrase "Now then, now then," have not yet been confirmed or reported.
A GIRL PUT A VIDEO OF HERSELF USING A USED TAMPON AS A LOLLIPOP ON THE INTERNET
And everyone got really angry and grossed out for some reason
Giovanna Plowman, an American teenage girl, has achieved instant internet fame nirvana and the enviable position of being the shame-worthy benchmark for all parents to compare their children to for the rest of time by filming herself sucking the menses out of her used tampon and uploading it to Facebook.
Plowman's video has already spawned hundreds of YouTube reaction videos and Facebook hate pages, which prompted rumours that she had killed herself.
The weirdest thing about this whole scenario is that nobody seems to have pointed out it definitely could have been a combination of corn syrup, food colouring and an unhealthy desperation for fame that the tampon was marinated in.