I once took a guy home with the intention of having my first ever one-night stand, but when we got into bed I realised I couldn’t go through with it. It was a pretty awkward situation to be in considering I dragged this dude into the back of a cab in the middle of a blizzard, taking him all the way to Brooklyn even though he lived in Hell’s Kitchen, and all the while I enumerated the various filthy ways I planned on riding him once we got home. Regardless, I am entitled to change my mind without exception. And change my mind I did.
Naked in bed, I tried my best to cool off on the kissing. Eventually I pulled away.
“I’m tired, I think I just want to go to sleep,” I told him.
Predictably, he played the blizzard/Brooklyn/reasonable expectation card.
“Well if we’re not going to fuck, you could at least jack me off,” he responded.
“Where are you going to cum?” I asked. I don’t know why.
He shrugged. “On the sheets I guess.”
I thought for a moment and responded, “I washed the sheets today. And if I jack you off now you’re just going to get cum all over them.” It was the lousiest excuse I’d ever made, but when someone you don’t know or care about demands to be jacked off, you don’t exactly put jacking them off at the top of your to-do list.
“I’ll wash them tomorrow then,” he said. I could see he was getting desperate.
I rolled over. “No you won’t,” I said.
Where your dude likes to cum can tell you a lot about the kind of person he is. For instance, I’ll Just Cum On Your Sheets And Pretend That I’m Going To Clean Them For You guy was the kind of dude who’d say anything to get off. One day it’s “I’ll wash your sheets,” and the next day it’s “I don’t have herpes,” or “I swear, she’s not my girlfriend.”
Gone are the days where everything you needed to know about a man was in his kiss. I’d venture to say that it’s in his jizz, or more specifically, where he jizzes. Whether he’s jacking himself off, you’re jacking him off, you’re screwing, or giving him a blow job, he’s got to unload somewhere, so pay attention. You can never truly know a person until you know how they react under pressure.
1. ON YOUR FACE
Argh. This is the signature move of the kind of dude who has watched way too much porn. This guy is probably going to want to ram you into the ground like a tent peg, and I’ll bet you five dollars he says something about your “wet cunt” while he’s inside you. He probably sweats a lot too. Oh and he’s going to tell all his buddies how he came all over your face.
2. ON YOUR BACK/ARSE
I’m an advocate of the back/ass cum. It’s kind of sexy, plus you probably won’t have to deal with the dude’s hilarious cum face. Back/ass come is perfect, unless the guy is a jerk who will only fuck you from behind, in which case, you either have the most amazing ass ever, or he just doesn’t really like the look of your face. Or, it could be worse. He might not want to look you in the eye while he’s sticking it in you, which is indicative of some pretty serious intimacy issues.
3. IN YOUR MOUTH
You are so not his girlfriend, LOL
4.ON YOUR TUMMY/HIPS
This is kind of like the back/ass cum but slightly more intimate because you’re facing each other. Although if he cums on your tummy/hips after pulling out from sex it could just mean that he’s lazy or too slow, which is chill if you dig easy going guys, but I prefer someone more decisive. I’d say this guy could be a stoner, or someone who hasn’t had much sex and gets too excited and panics, resulting in more of an emergency cum than a sexy “ohhhh this is so filthy and awesome I’m cuming on my lady” cum.
5. ON YOUR INNER THIGHS
If a guy comes on your inner thighs he probably played with matches when he was a kid. He’s living on the edge. He most likely doesn’t really want to get you pregnant if he really thinks about it. But he'll do it anyway for the thrill of taking it to the limit. Point Break is his favorite movie.
6. IN THE CONDOM
Marry this guy. This is someone who cares about the transmission of disease and babies, which you’d think would equate to “normal human being,” but is a rarer breed of man than you’d think.
7. ON YOUR TITS
This guy is face guy’s cousin. He also watches too much porn. And maybe likes hip hop. He either refers to himself as or aspires to be a “baller.” He secretly thinks that he’s somewhat more chivalrous than face guy, but at the end of the day he’s going to tell all his pals where he came too. And his friends will probably hit on you, so they can also cum on your tits. Watch out for weird food shit he’s going to want to do like licking honey off your nipples because he saw that in a Dru Hill video.
8. IN HIS HAND
Well, that’s a bit polite then isn’t it? This guy was either raised right or he has some strange hang ups about his cum. When it comes to talking about sex with his buds, he’s the opposite of Face and Titty dudes. That is to say, he doesn’t. He definitely never did that thing where a bunch of college bros all wank into the same cup, for instance. So he’s probably paranoid that his cum is abnormal in some way, and you’re going to gossip about it with your gal pals. That, or he’s saving it all up as some kind of reserve for when the apocalypse comes and he has to single handedly repopulate the earth, in which case he’s a forward thinker, and you should stick with him. Come to think about it, you ought to harvest an egg or two while you can.
8. INTO A SOCK HE GRABBED FROM UNDER THE BED
This guy jerks off way too much. And lives with his mother.
Follow Kat on Twitter: @KatGeorge