Would You Rather Finger Your Mom and Nobody Knows, Or Not Finger Her but Everyone Thinks You Did?

Tucked away in a display cabinet in the Smithsonian, tattered, and fragile after being preserved for thousands of years, are some of Socrates' original writings. Writings that ruminate and toy with a question that continued to puzzle the great philosopher's student, Plato, and many, many more after him. A question that may well have no concrete answer, but one that academics and learned thinkers still devote seminars, lectures, and private thought-sessions to.

That question? Would you rather finger your mom and nobody knows, or not finger her but everyone thinks you did?

Adrian, 41, Photographer: Seriously? The second one. My first thought is that my mom wouldn’t like it, but I obviously just wouldn’t fancy fingering my mom, either.

But everyone would think that you did, even if you didn’t.
At least I would know that I hadn’t.

Is there anything that wrong with fingering your mom?
We’re talking in a sexual way?

How else can you finger your mom?
I could finger her to the police if she did something wrong. But fingering in a sexual way is beyond the boundaries.

Do you not feel as if you already kind of fingered your mom when you came out of her?
I think there’s a difference between being a newborn baby going out and being a full-grown man going in.

You're not wrong there, Adrian.

Joel, 23, student (on top) and Niko, 24, Burberry sales assistant.

Niko: That’s the right answer. That’s the right question.

VICE: What? Are you on K?
I’m on everything.
Joel: I wouldn’t want to put my finger up my mom’s pussy, it’s pretty gross. I’ve seen it.
Niko: I would finger my mom. She’s my mom, you know? It would be fine. She’s pretty groomed.
Joel: Your mom is really hot.

Do you think your mom would mind?
Niko: No, she wouldn’t mind.  When I was born, that was the only time I was near a vagina. After that it never happened again, so we share that already.
Joel: I probably hit it in the bath once. I used to lie down on the bathroom floor and try and look up her towel to see what her fanny looked like. I tried to get a glimpse. It was gross.

Kaela, 22, sales assistant: I think the second one. I could never do that to my mom. I love my mom.

How about if you hated your mom? Would you do it then?
Yeah.

Is there anything wrong with fingering your mom?
No, it’s just my mom’s, like, my teddy bear. She’s so sweet and cute. If you saw my mom, you wouldn’t wanna finger her.

Never make assumptions, Kaela.

Hannah, 20, student: I’d finger my mom. Actually, no, wait—god, this is really hard—I think I’d rather not finger my mom.

But everyone would think you did for the rest of your life if you didn't.
Oh god. OK, I’d finger my mom.

Why?
For my reputation. I don’t want people knowing that I fingered my mom.

What's wrong with fingering your mom?
Are you mad? I can think of a lot of stuff that's wrong about fingering your mom. It’s just not the way the world works, is it? I feel a bit queasy now. Can we move on?

That's it—we're done. I'll leave you dwelling on that thought.

Jake, 21, student (left) and Ellie, 21, student.

Jake: Fuck it, I’ll finger my mom.

Why?
If everyone’s thinking I did it, I might as well have done it.
Ellie: No!

Do you think it would be fun?
Jake: I dunno. Maybe for her.

Is bad to finger your mom?
I don’t know. I guess it’s not as bad as everyone thinks it is. If it makes her happy, it's kind of alright, you know what I mean? I suppose so. What about you, Ellie?
Ellie: I’d rather people think I did it. I wouldn’t finger my mom; it’s my mommy, I can’t do that.

Caroline, 24, sales assistant: Not do it, but everyone thinks I did. I think the first option is too gross to even go into.

Even though that would be the first thing on everyone's minds whenever they saw you?
Yeah, but hopefully something more exciting would happen and they’d forget about it.

What could be more exciting than finding out someone you knew fingered their own mom?
I dunno. Kate Middleton’s boobs again, or something.

What about your dad? Would you rather finger him?
This is a whole world of uncomfortable. Neither is better than the other. Aside from the whole incest issue, I'd have thought there would be some underlying mental issues for anyone to even consider doing that.

Jeoffrey, 44, creative director (left) and Timothy, 31, art director.

Jeoffrey: I’d rather people think I did.
Timothy: Yeah, me too.

Why?
Jeoffrey: Because I’d rather not finger my mom and I don’t care what people think. I don’t give a shit.

That’s cute. Would you rather finger your dad, do you think?
Timothy: They’re both disgusting. You haven’t seen them.
Jeoffrey: I couldn’t really pick a favorite.

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