Everyone You Hate Is Getting Fucked Over by Brexit, Too

Hard to be positive in these firm, Brexited times. As Jesus once said – confused about the exact etymology, but I'm pretty sure it was him – "Always look on the bright side of life." And no more is that so relevant than now: even those with faith, either in deities or the idea of leaving Europe, are finding it hard to think positively. With the future of the United Kingdom quickly descending into an extended version of Noel Edmonds’ tedious afternoon gameshow, Theresa May solemnly crossing her fingers and doing a deep brave inhale before opening a red box marked '£0', searching for silver-linings can often feel like a thankless task.

We may well be stranded on this island wielding freshly printed blue passports, and fine, the potential of a breakdown of the fragile peace deal in Ireland isn’t exactly ideal. But now more than ever we must search through the darkness for light – I’m pretty sure Jesus did actually say that. So for a moment, press pause instead of the panic button, briefly forget about the fact that in two months' time there may be no medical supplies in our even more under-staffed hospitals should you fall ill – a dose of schadenfreude might be all you need. Because yes, it looks almost certain that Brexit is going to fuck us. But at least we can all take solace in the fact it’s going to fuck some of the United Kingdom’s biggest bastards as well.

While it’s probably true that #NotAllEstateAgents are evil, generally speaking these smooth-talking, Mini-driving, blood-sucking rip-off merchants deserve no pity at all. In the past, their shopfronts filled with for-sale signs just about gave them a purpose, but now we’ve got the internet and therefore no use for them at all.

Back in September last year, the Bank of England’s governor Mark Carney issued what was reported as a “warning": house prices in the UK could fall by up to 35 percent if there’s no deal. The number of homes being put on the market is already decreasing, and UK property values are already falling at fastest rate in six years. Fewer sales + lower prices = less commission, and that means fewer vampires rinsing whoever it is that can afford to buy a place these days.

In fact, ever since the result of the referendum was announced, the spectre of Brexit at least offered the prospect of one upside to a generation which can’t afford to buy and emphatically voted to Remain. Who knows! Maybe it won’t be long until millennials will be able to scrape together a big enough deposit for a one-bed flat in Grimsby after all! (Probably not, though).

Listen it's about a week before payday and if you're anything like me you're trying to pad out one Super Noodle flavour sachet across two pots of generic store-bought noodles in an attempt not to starve and die, but spare if you can a thought for the bankers: while, yes, these are the people who directly caused the financial crash ten years ago that, yes, started in part a tsunami of agitation-for-change that led to the Leave vote, and yes, the nation’s wages are stagnant while poverty is increasing, but: their bonuses are down, too. Over the Christmas period executives who’d be raking in between $1.5 million and $2 million in New York, this year pocketed bonuses of a mere $550,000 to $900,000. Their version of 'stretching the Super Noodle' is more 'let's order one escort tonight, instead of two' but they're still getting hit.

While it’s unclear quite how many jobs in the sector will disappear in a No Deal scenario, it’s anywhere from 200,000 in the long term to 10,000 on day one. Just think of the potential – Canary Wharf could be turned into social housing, and everyone working in the City could be liberated from their shackles to do something useful, too. Is that something to cheer about? It almost feels like it is, yeah.

Yes, Brexit is very much a crisis, but a single-market isn't going to save us from rising sea levels; taking back control of the shape of our bananas won’t be much use when there isn't any food. With just one return flight from London to New York producing a greater carbon footprint than a whole year’s personal allowance if we’re to keep the climate safe, news that a no-deal Brexit could see up to 5 million fewer outbound flights leaving Britain by 2022 could well be a win for civilisation as we know it, and a massive 'fuck you' to climate change as well. Let's get bang into those Sun camping vouchers and fuck off ever going to Spain again.

Once the unpredictable, xenophobic wild-child of British politics, Brexit for UKIP has been a poisoned chalice; a double-edged sword painted a patriotic red, white and blue. Marching Britain out of Europe was the party’s raison d’etre, and in 2015 they were polling third. If David Cameron did one good thing as Prime Minister, it was almost certainly an accident – but having been exposed as a far-right fringe group, Brexit will now spell UKIP’s end. As of early Jan, the party was polling at about four or five percent (though, membership is up at as the party veers to the right. Great!).

Let’s be honest: neither of our two major political parties or their leaders are coming off particularly well as we hurtle towards 11PM on 29 March. Facing the biggest Brexit backlash is, however, without a doubt Prime Minister Theresa ‘The Zombie’ May.

When she was anointed Prime Minister by the Tory Party, over half of Conservative MPs publicly endorsed her; so beloved she was by her parliamentary colleagues that a party-wide vote was never even held. In the past two-and-a-half years Brexit has completely fucked her – the biggest government defeat in history, a failed coup by her own MPs, and the fact she’s cocked up the *only* job she had in Downing Street has ensured she’s been strong-armed into promising that whenever next there’s another general election, she definitely won’t be standing again. She was once the country’s most popular politician, but thanks to Brexit this detention-centre loving, most base value-pandering Tory won’t be in power for long.

@MikeSegalov