Girl Eats Food - Yule Log Trio

Deep down, we all know that roast turkey's nothing more than chicken's shitty, low-rent cousin, and Christmas pudding tastes like raisins soaked in compost juice and lighter fuel. Luckily for me, I also indulge in the tradition of ‘Noche Buena’, a whole other binge eating session in which Catholics celebrate the birth of baby Jesus and another year of doing nothing to stop syphilis inflitrating the family home. So why not have your own alternative, faux-religious festive meal with this holy trinity of yule logs, thus sweetening the impending turkey melancholy of Christmas Day? Chocolate Yule Log

Nothing more than a pimped version of the Swiss roll, chocolate yule log is one of those deceptively baller looking desserts, that you can make and be inhaling whole in under half an hour. Follow this brandy-heavy version and you can also consolidate permanent spleen damage into one sitting.

Ingredients:

5 x eggs         
5 oz of light brown sugar         
3 ½ oz of self-raising flour         
½ oz of cocoa powder
Jumbo bar of chocolate
1 x shot of brandy
Jaffa cakes
Chocolate fudge frosting, JUST BUY IT, JESUS EFF

Step 1.

Separate your happy eggs.

Step 2.

Beat the whites into a firm egg cloud and whisk the rest of the dry ingredients into the yolks. Flop the two together until mixed thoroughly.

Step 3.

Slosh the mix onto a tray lined with baking paper, quickly slap it into a square shape and bake at 190c for ten minutes.

Step 4.

While your cake is cooling, you can smash up the Jaffa cakes and drown them in brandy.

Step 5.

Cake cooled, ladle on the Betty Crocker frosting.

Step 6.

Then sprinkle the drunk Jaffas over and use the baking paper to help roll your cake slab up into a booze sleeping bag.

Step 7.

Don’t worry too much about fucking up the rolling, you can cover up all the imperfections later, like acne or Roswell.

Step 8.

Drool some melted chocolate over the log.

Step 9.

Leave to chill, then decorate with a dusting of icing sugar and crushed Ex-Lax.

Bone-appetite! Yule Meat Log & Veggie Log ‘Embutido’ which I think is foreign for ‘processed meat joust’, is a Noche Buena favourite of steamed, coddled and fried piggy offcuts. If perfected, this cylinder of pork pleasure will have you grunting and lolling around in food nirvana like a beached sea lion more efficiently than any dry-ass bird could ever do. And, BY REQUEST, I’ve also made the equally yummy veggie log version, even though y’all are Santa hating party-poopers that should be forced to eat nut roast alone under the stairs.

Ingredients: Meat Yule Log

1 x pack of ground pork
1 x cup of cheese
1 x cup of chopped Spam
4 x Frankfurters
1 x cup of bell peppers
1 x carrot
half an onion
1 x clove of crushed garlic
1 x egg Veggie version

Mashed potato
1 x cup of cheese
Spray cheese
1 x cup of bell peppers
1 x carrots
Half an onion
1 x clove of crushed garlic
1 x egg Step 1.

Grate, chop and stir the veg and cheese together, this is totally festive right? You can throw in some cranberry sauce if you’re feeling like a turkey traitor.

Step 2.

Divide the cheesy veg rainbow between the meat and mash, then smush until mixed thoroughly.

Step 3.

Plop a raw egg into both to bind.

Step 4.

Lay both mixes on some strong foil and punch flat into rectangular blankets.

Step 5.

Shower the centre of your pork bed with your reconstructed meat sprinkles.

Step 6.

You can leave the veggie option as a joyless potato phallus, but I jazzed mine up with a melty centre of cheese on cheese on cheese.

Step 7.

Both now need rolling into tight foil sausages.

Step 8.

Look! They’re like Christmas crackers right? Guys? Am I right? Your meat now needs to snuggle in a steamer for an hour, while your veggie log needs to sit in the fridge to chill.

Step 9.

Once steamed, a good meat log deserves nothing less than finishing in a bath of animal fat.

Step 10.

So heat some goose drippings until violently hot, then fry off until golden brown… or like log brown, whatever.

Step 11.

Rinse and repeat with your veggie log in whatever you guys fry your shit in and sprinkle both with garlic salt.

There you have it, three courses of delicious festive logs that don’t need drowning in Bisto. A very Merry Christmas from Girl Eats Food, may your day be as glorious as a Roman vomitorium.

Bone-appetit!

@FUERTESKNIGHT

Previously: Girl Eats Food - Eggnog Pop-Tarts

Really fucking hungry? Check out Joanna Fuertes-Knight's (totally free) online cookbook! It's got every Girl Eats Food recipe ever in it.