GAVIN HAYNES' SLEEPLESS NIGHTS
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Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Dickhead
The Ryan Fogle case shows how US-Russia spy games have descended into silly farce. Full story
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The Weird World of Mail Online Commenters
What are these people doing with their lives? Full story
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The BNP Say a Big Fascist Orgy Is the Only Way to Keep Britain White
Nick Griffin wants to bone the country into his own image. Full story
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We Should Probably Put Ben Elton On Suicide Watch
He's got a new sitcom and everyone fucking despises it. Full story
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Beware the iPad Children, the Crack Babies of Today
Let's destroy them before they destroy us. Full story
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Everyone Involved in the Thatcher Chart 'Ding Dong' Is a Moron
But the BBC will grant these idiots their immortality. Full story
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How Paris Brown's 'Pikey' Tweets Expose the Modern British Generation Gap
Or why police should never work with children. Full story
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How to Represent Yourself in Court and Get DIY Justice
Now Legal Aid has been slashed, you're going to have to be your own lawyer. Full story
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The Morality of Pretending to Be a Man in Order to Sleep with Women
Justine McNally is the point where human ingenuity and human tragedy collide. Full story
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Drug Etiquette for British People in 2013
Where the bloody hell have our manners gone? Full story
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This Is What Justin Bieber Should Do After His Sad, Inevitable Breakdown
Justin has the opportunity to leave the world a better place than he found it. Full story
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This Is What Will Happen When the Queen Dies
Britain will go off its nut. But then Britain loves to go off its nut. Full story
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A History of Celebrity Trials, from Woodward to Pistorius
We've been taking a prurient interest in the private shame of others since the 90s. Full story
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Remember When the Brit Awards Were Amazing?
Because personally I have no recollection of that period. Full story
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Why I Feel Sorry for the Pope Who Hung Up On God
Becoming the Pope must be as disorientating as growing a second cock or learning how to fly. Full story
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Why Boyz II Men Won't Save the Russian People from Extinction
They don't want to procreate. They just want to die. It's what they do. Full story
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Reasons Why Everyone Should Start a New Life in Brilliant Britain
Hey Bulgarians and Romanians, don't listen to our government – come and join in the fun! Full story
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'He Just Wanted to Take More Drugs Than Anyone Else'
How Lance Armstrong's simple problem turned cycling into Trainspotting on wheels. Full story
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Let's Lock All of Britain Up in a Spaceship-Sized Super-Prison
Alternatively, you could just keep a criminal in a cage in your house. Full story
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Depardieu and Putin, Sitting in a Tree
A tree that is strong enough to hold the wine-bloated Frenchman and doesn't make him pay tax. Full story
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The Demise of the Zany Jedi Wankers
Ten years ago, there were 390,000 Jedis in Britain. Now, there are only 170,000. Full story
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Ghostwriting Is the Future of Literature
Ever since Tom Clancy kicked it off, they're all bloody at it. Full story
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Is It Time for Britain to Turn Into a Dictatorship?
People say that fascism's a drag. But maybe we just need to re-learn how much everyone else hates us. Full story
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British People Are So Fat You Can See Them from Space
They're the next evolutionary step for humanity. Full story
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Bath Salts, Orgies, Murder and Anti-Virus Software
Fugitive John McAfee's one weird billionaire. Full story
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Chelsea's Super-Rich Are Being Chased Underground
They're bored and scared of the modern world. Full story
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The World Is Full of Pinheaded Weasels
And unfortunately for Danny Baker, many of them help run it. Full story
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Let's Quit Quitting Smoking Together
Stoptober? How about you stop being a baby and do it your damn self. Full story
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Bad News for Young People
Soon old people will be able to suck the youth right out of you, a scientist has proved. Full story
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Damien Hirst's Stupid Fucking Babel
I woke up the other day thinking that Damien Hirst might be God. Full story
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Abu Hamza: A Very British Kind of Pariah
How the hook-handed man became the David Bowie of jihad. Full story
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No More Teen Kicks for Jeremy Forrest
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to stop falling in love with 15-year-olds. Full story
Jodorowsky's 'Dune' Would Have Been Insane
Salvador Dali was going to play the Emperor.
Deportee Purgatory
Welcome to Tijuana's El Bordo.
Arab Spring Break!
My weird night with a bunch of rich kid Egyptians.
Drunk EDL Hate Mobs Attacked Police
They weren't too happy about it.
Didi's Trying To Cure Malaria With Sugar And Water
Refugee camps are her homeopathic testing ground.
Rave And Hardcore Youtube Comments Are Beautiful
They restored my faith in humanity.