Baristas

I started taking steroids yesterday as an act of thanks and joyous celebration. Full story

Anal Lessons

Are there scouts in the porn business like in baseball who travel the minor-league circuit looking for the next thing? Full story

The Dark Knight XXX: A Porn Parody

Just as hip-hop died outside the Petersen Automotive Museum in Los Angeles, so did her big beautiful breasts in 1997. Full story

Panty Pops

The only way I can describe "Panty Pops" is like if Zeus gave you a handjob. Full story

Buttface

There’s a skateboarder in England, gaining popularity with the birth name Ash Hal. Full story

No Warning 6: The Unfair Advantage

If you thought 'No Warning' 1 through 5 were good, then I can't help but believe that you're going to love 'No Warning 6!' Full story

Skinema - Vicarious (So Close You Can Taste It)

I've been wrestling pit bull terriers and calling up my dominatrix friend because being a stay-at-home dad is driving me insane. Full story

Halloween XXX Porn Parody

For starters, I would've hoped that a porno remake of Halloween would've at least had the decency to incorporate the word wiener into the title. Full story

SpontaneASS

So my second son, Christopher James Nieratko III, was born on August 10, 2011 Full story

Hot for Teacher

I think I wanted to fuck my fourth-grade teacher. Full story

Skinema - Kimberly Kane's Been Blackmaled

Fuck me already with all the times I’ve had to plug a Kimberly Kane movie just so I can tell you that at some point in my lifetime VBS will supposedly air my four-part Skinema exposé on Ms. Kane and her sexy exploits. Full story

It Ain't Gonna Suck Itself!

The sad thing about the title of this film is that it’s true; it’s not going to suck itself. As a teenager I would lie in the tall grass down by the brook, looking up at the clouds moving across the gray Jersey sky, dreaming of a future when it would be possibl… Full story

Ass Worship 12

The Tenth Commandment clearly states, “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife,” so I’m pretty sure me wanting to fuck my friend Matt’s wife is totally kosher because they live outside San Francisco, nowhere near me. Strange that the Bible would put… Full story

Skinema - Driller

We are quickly approaching the two-year mark of me not giving a shit that Michael Jackson is dead. Next year will be exactly 30 years since Thriller was released, the last time I slightly cared about him. As far as I’m concerned, Michael Jackson died the day he got h… Full story

Hose Hoes' 2

By Chris Nieratko

Cover model and professional butt licker Julia Ann reminds me of my wife. (Not that my wife hangs off black curtain rods and lick butts.) (And not that there’s anything wrong with that…) Julia, like Mrs. Nieratko, is a hot blond piece of ass who looks Full story

Joanna's Angels 3: Douchebag Resurrection

What could be sadder than a bunch of awkward and insecure porn fans leering at girls from a distance at a convention in Vegas? A landfill’s worth of cocksure Jersey Shore douchebag extras thinking every porn chick at a convention in Edison, New Jersey, wants to fuck Full story

Hole in the Wall

I hate zany fonts. Those fonts that are CRAZY pictures of people puking or having sex while forming a letter are the worst, especially when people try to use them at 10 or 12 point; you can’t even make out what they are. They look like tattoos from the 50s, just big blobs o… Full story

The Mommy X-Perience

Strange things happen to a woman’s vagina after a human slides out of it, aside from the obvious stretching and tearing. Full story

Debbie Duz Dishes Again

Does life imitate porn? Or does porn imitate life? I ask only because for the past eight months since my son was born I have been starring in a porno with a similar title called Full story

Jersey Shore XXX: A Porn Parody

I hope they don't kick me out of Jersey for saying this but I've always hated the Jersey Shore. As a child my family would go down to Cape May for vacation. While everyone was Full story

Fuck Face

I have a weird friend. I don’t know her name. I guess “friend” might be a slight overstatement. She is a ginger with extremely curly hair. I’m sure you can Full story

Belladonna's Ass Wide Open

I hope I’m not ruining the plot of Ass Wide Open for anyone by saying there’s a lot of anal sex in this film.

If this is a remake of that Kubrick film then I don't see the resemblance between the cover model, Bobbi Starr, and Nicole Kidman. If it's not then... I totally do Full story

Raw 2

This movie is genius! This is not porn—this is art. No. Wait. Art doesn’t make money. This is sexual capitalism at its finest. What we have here are two discs of five scenes with Full story

LA Pink

If it appears I am unfairly reviewing more Burning Angel videos than other company’s pornos, you would be correct. Joanna Angel is no dummy. She pays me with blowjobs Full story

John Wayne Bobbit Uncut

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT UNCUT
Remember last year when Lorena Bobbitt cut off her husband’s penis? The news sent a shock wave through the misogynist community like a frickin’ A-bomb. Gigolos Full story

This Ain't Star Trek

By Chris Nieratko

God, I fucking hate remakes (both porno and mainstream). It says a lot about the intellect of our Hollywood writers when the best they can come up with is to make G.I. Joe Full story

We Yum Yum Cum

By Chris Nieratko

I hate when people speak to their kids in baby talk. It’s annoying. Then people wonder why their kids turn out to be mental midgets with no social grace and an inability to Full story

It's Sunny In Brazil

A bunch of my friends are pro skaters from Brazil and they’re always telling me the craziest stories from their childhoods of murder, drug mules, and prostitution Full story

Great Sex During Pregnancy

Can you do me a favor? Pretend like you didn't see the picture above and when I ask you to guess what my wiener put inside my wife's guts, just say, "I don't know, what?" Full story

Live In My Secrets

By Chris Nieratko

I'm working on a new VBS show called Sexy Slumber Party in which I have sexy slumber parties with naked porn stars and we have popcorn and girl talk until they start to cry and tell me how they were abused at a young age and that's what drove them to hand out cinematograph… Full story