10 (German) Pollack Jokes
Hey future! Time for a new round of 10 Jokes. For those of you who refuse to click that link, 10 Jokes is where we ask each international edition of Vice what group of people their countrymen like to make jokes about. Then they tell us some (10) of those jokes. It's all about expanding cultural horizons and detourning ethnocentric bigotry and it's very, very serious, OK? If we catch any of you laughing at these jokes, we are never talking to you again.
Today on the laughing block are the Polish. The planet's joke-butts. The only catch is that these Polish jokes are from Germany and evidently Germans think of the Polish as thieving thieving thievers. Here's Barbara from Vice Germany to explain more:
Our favorite minority to pick on are Turkish people, but these jokes are basically identical to the French ones about Arabs you read a couple weeks ago (just swap Mohamed for Ahmet). So we decided to go for our second favorite target: the Polish. Basically we think they’re a lazy, unemployed people who try to rip everybody off and that any Pole would more easily cease to breathe than quit stealing. OK, there might be a few over-achievers out there (Copernicus, Lech Walesa, blah blah blah etc), but generally, we wouldn’t give our car to that new Polish colleague because we wouldn’t be sure if we ever get to see it again, you know? Germanically speaking I mean. OK, here are the jokes:
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pole with a Russian?
A: A kid who's too lazy to steal.
Q. Why should you never laugh when you see a Polish guy smashing a car into a tree?
A. It might be yours.
Q. Why do Russians steal two of everything whenever they're in Germany?
A. They have to cross Poland on the way back.
Q: What would happen if you relocated all of Poland to the middle of the Sahara?
A: Nothing for the first seven years, but then they’d start running low on sand.
Q: A Polish and Russian guy are in a car together, who’s driving?
A: The Police.
Q: What do you call a Polish guy whose lost his arm?
A: A one-armed bandit.
Two guys are walking in the forest. One says to the other, "Hey, I think we just crossed the Polish border." The other guy says "How can you tell?" "My watch is gone."
Q: What are a Polish kid’s first words?
A: Mum, dad, Aldi. [German equivalent of Walmart]
Q: Why do Polish newborns get two smacks on their bums instead of one?
A: The first so it’ll start breathing, the second so it’ll let go the midwife’s watch.
A Gypsy and a Pole have a kid. When the kid's five, he asks his dad, "Am I Polish or a Gypsy?" His dad says, "Well, you came from my seed, so that must mean you're a Pole." Then the kid goes to his mom and asks, "Am I Polish or a Gypsy?" The mom says, "Well, you spent nine months in my womb, so I guess that makes you a Gypsy. Why do you want to know?"
"Well, earlier today I was walking around town and I couldn't make up my mind whether to start stealing or begging."
Q: How can you tell the Polish have been in space?
A: The big dipper is missing its wheels. [Not sure if this works in English, in German this constellation is called “big cart.”]
Q: How come you never get a parking ticket in Poland?
A: Because your car’s gone before the meter maid comes around.
Two cannibals have a Polish guy on their rotisserie. One says, “Can’t you turn the spit a little slower, so he’ll get all crispy?” The other says, “No way, he’ll steal the coal.”
OK – this is about Polish jokes, but I absolutely can’t keep back my favorite Turkish joke from you:
Ahmet Jr. comes home from school, wondering why no one’s there. He checks all rooms--kitchen, living room, his sister’s room, and finally his parents' bedroom where he walks in on his parents having sex. He shrieks in disgust then runs away. A while later his parents are like, “Hey, where’s Ahmet? He should be back from school by now.” They check the entire apartment; Ali jr. is nowhere to be found.
Finally the mom says, “Why don’t you go check upstairs, maybe grandma made some lunch for him?” So dad walks in on Ahmet Jr. humping his grandma. He’s like, “Ahmet, what the fuck are you doing?!” And Ahmet responds: “You fuck my mother, I fuck your mother!”