Vigilante geriatrics fight back

Is it just me, or are the baby boomer generation becoming increasingly hell bent on violence and crime the older they get? Every day local papers seem to run stories on some old codger beating, mugging or raping someone or

something. Is it just that the baby boomers are all sick of working their asses off all their lives to bring up kids who are either tripping their tits off every weekend or playing World of Warcraft 24/7.. They made over 11 thousand pounds, and still haven't been caught. The humanity!Then across the pond there was the case of the 70-year-old shop lifter who - after being caught by security - attempted to bite his way free of their clutches, only to find out that he had forgotten to put in his dentures before he went to steal shit. And in Germany a 77-year-old geriatric grandma rugby tackled some 25-year-old dude for jaywalking. And then sat on him until the cops came. Then, of course, more disturbingly, there was the Fritzl saga, Phil Spector, and about a billion other cases of geriatrics being deranged and violent.

So just what exactly is going on here? I have always thought that old people are the one's that are meant to be getting mugged? Have old people always been so felonious? I'm not convinced, so I decided to locate a specialist in geriatric crime and have a good long talk about the state of old people today.

Regrettably, I'm not entirely sure that there is such a thing as a specialist in geriatric crime outside of my imagination, so I spoke to the next best thing, my dad. I figured he sort of qualifies, as he's a baby boomer, borderline psychotic, still challenges people to a fight on a regular basis, loathes the "youth" of today, and has spent plenty of time in a courtroom. Here he is.

Craaaaazy, huh? Someone asked him to dress up like a Dutchman, and this is what he does? He's practically 60. See those socks that he's rocking?

Anyway, here's what was said in our little inter-generational expose, interspersed with vaguely unrelated pictures of old people going insane.

Vice: Hi dad!

Dad: Hi. I don't really know what's happening here…

I'm just going to ask you some questions about how the baby boomer generation is becoming increasingly dangerous in their old age. That's all. It's for Vice, you know, the place I've been interning?

…I've read some articles from this Vice place, and it's all about drugs, naked girls and excrement. I would rather not do this.

It'll be fine. I won't ask you any questions about drugs and poo. Promise.

Ok, fine. Make it fucking quick then.

Ok. So I used to think that old people were always the victims of crime, and rarely the perpetrators. Do you think that maybe this is changing?

Don't you have an expert to talk to?

No. Not really…you're the best I could find actually.

That's a bit lazy isn't it?

Yeah. I guess it is.

Jesus, ok….what was the question?

Something about your generation increasingly becoming angry and violent in your old age. Do you agree with this?

Maybe it's just that your entire generation is a bunch of pansies compared to us?

That's possible I guess. Anything else you want to add?

Well, ok. Let me think…baby boomers are definitely ageing disgracefully. It's a lot of fun! We have to live it up because you youngsters aren't going to look after us. There are just too many people in our generation, as simple as that; or too little in yours. Either way, it's a strain on healthcare, and now the recession has hit, a lot of older people are really struggling to make ends meet. You do hear stories now of old people having to fight for survival, it's Darwinian really, survival of the fittest. With so many people retiring at the same time, there just isn't enough coming from tax receipts to sort out the problem. The welfare state just can't handle it all happening at the same time.

Yeah, but mugging people? Can old people really do that? Aren't they the one's meant to be getting mugged?

Yeah, well, I'm sure if you look at the statistics, you'll find that young people still commit the vast majority of crimes, and especially crimes like muggings. Of course, there are always going to be a minority of older people that do it as well. There probably is more of them at the moment, but good luck to them.

Good luck to them? Really?

Damn straight, good on 'em. If an old person is capable of mugging some young punk, then good fucking luck to them.

But why do you think so many old people are turning to crime in the first place?

It's a generation gap isn't it. Ours is getting older, and the world that we're living in, well, even though we helped make it, we're getting too old to live in it. Old people are now a burden to society, when previous generations used to be looked after and respected! You remember that. Old people just don't get the same respect as they used to. You're all too busy fucking about with your crack pipes and ipod's. For many old people, it's difficult to even cross the road, and when no one will even slow down or help, then I'm sure anger can build up. There are just many reasons, and as I said, I'm no expert, so I don't really know why you're talking to me, but the recession has to have a lot to do with it. Sometimes people need to steal or mug people to get by. Plus we are hopefully the last generation to experience conscription, fight a world war. You know, times are changing!

Where do you think this is all going then? Will old people unite and demand the respect and healthcare benefits that they think they deserve?

Probably not. No. You have to remember, most old people are quite content, and much richer than you'll ever be.

Oh shucks. Thanks dad.

And a relatively content old person is probably wise enough to just look after themselves and their family. Which leaves us with the same problem.

You mean the problem of vigilante geriatrics?

Well, yeah, if that's what you want to call it. Vigilante geriatrics are all on their own. There is no United Front of Vigilante Geriatrics is there?

No, I can't imagine there is. UFVG is a pretty crap acronym anyway. Would you join them if they existed though?

No. I couldn't imagine anything worse. It's probably something your generation will do in 50 years or so. It's too late for us now. Poor old people will just have to get by however they can. And if stealing and mugging people is part of it, then so be it.

That's all a bit sad then isn't it? So would you recommend that my generation do as the Inuit's used to do, and push all the old non-contributing people out to sea on a little raft?

Just fucking try it!