Quango - Does Danny Alexander Have Severe Learning Difficulties?
This week, the Liberal Democrats are holding their party conference in Birmingham. They are debating many different subjects, from nudge theory to the mansion taxes. But the one question that everyone seems to be pointedly avoiding is in fact the central question in British politics right now. Does Danny Alexander, the Chief Secretary to the Treasury, have severe learning difficulties? There is a raft of evidence:
Here is a passage from Danny Alexander's speech to conference.
Who was feeding Gordon Brown such advice? Was it Mandy? Or McBride? I think it’s pretty obvious - it was all Balls.
This is not only a joke that Michael Heseltine already famously made to the Tories in 1995, it is also a joke that is as far down the joke-ladder as you can go without having to draw a moustache on your face in turd.
But such is the conspiracy of silence protecting him and his severe learning difficulties from the public, that people laughed indulgently when they heard this.
Conclusion: Danny Alexander thinks that Ed Balls' last name is funny. Therefore, he probably laughs every time he goes to the toilet.
Right now, Danny Alexander is Chief Secretary To The Treasury. This means he is George Osborne's deputy, with a pivotal role in scruitinising the public spending figures. What sort of background could prepare a man for having his finger on the hair-trigger of Britain's economic destiny? Well, before he was an MP, Danny Alexander used to be the head of communications for the Cairngorms National Park.
The Cairngorms National Park is essentially a bunch of rocks, deer, heather and water in the northern end of Scotland. It was his job to oversee all of the communications that came and went about the rocks, deer, heather and so on. One day he'd be sending out a press release about elks. The next he'd be telling the public about the new scone selection in the teashop. Does that sound like a particularly demanding role? The sort of fiercely taxing job that would ready a first-class mind for the highest levels of government? Well, here is some of the recent promotional material to emerge from the communications department of the Cairgorms National Park:
Inspired by programmes such as BBC's Springwatch? Get out and see some wildlife for yourself - even in your own back garden - you can either keep your eyes peeled for darting red squirrels and soaring ospreys or you can go with a guide or watch from a hide - the choice is yours!
Conclusion: Danny Alexander used to have the sort of job even a certified educational subnormal would get the workie to do.
This is what Danny Alexander looks like when he eats an ice cream:
Conclusion: Danny Alexander cannot master enough physics to understand how big his mouth is relative to the food he wishes to consume.
When he became Chief Secretary, the government launched a Comprehensive Spending Review. The biggest redeployment of resources in a generation, the contents of this were meant to be remain utterly top secret until their unveiling.
Unfortunately, Danny Alexander put the whole thing on his lap as he left the Treasury in an official car, squarely enough for it to be shot by photographers, and thus the figures to be splashed in the next day's papers. What a chump.
Conclusion: Danny Alexander cannot grasp how telephoto lenses can see things closer than the naked eye.
In May 2011, Danny Alexander was on camera, waiting to be interviewed by Sky News at their Millbank studios when he let off a massive fart: “the most enormous fart heard in those parts since the Blitz”, according to the Guardian's Michael White. Apparently, someone still has the tapes of this, but despite the high bounties offered by bloggers, they've not yet been extracted, as Sky have told everyone involved they will be sacked if the material leaks.
Conclusion: Danny Alexander has only limited control over his bowels.
With the commonness of his name, it is highly likely that Danny Alexander is simply a typo in a Liberal Democrat internal memo – that the party had meant to call someone with a name a lot like his to the frontline of politics, but got confused. Rather than admit their fault, Danny Alexander has been serially promoted as a plausible deniability strategy.
If British politics is to move forward, it is vital that people start tackling this issue head-on; confronting the matter by asking Danny what three sevens are, how all the tiny people get into the television, and what the difference is between talcum powder and flour.
Previously: Quango - I love The UKIP Conference