A Drunk Man in England Tried to Have Sex with a Mailbox

This post originally appeared on VICE UK

Listen: Have we not all gone on a bit of a mad one and tried to fuck a mailbox? I will be the first to put my hand up and say, "Absolutely not, no, I have never tried to put my dick in a mailbox and I'm not even sure where the nearest mailbox is should I get the inhuman urge to fuck it."

But then, I am not Wigan native Paul Bennett, who appeared in court today to face charges of mailbox-fucking for the first time in recorded human history. Nobody has ever been arrested for trying to fuck a mailbox before, which when you actually think about it means: As a human race, we are breaking new ground.

But in a practical sense, you're probably wondering: How do I romance a mailbox? And that is a good question, because you cannot just walk up to a mailbox and straight up fuck it. That's rude. Here's what Paul Bennett did to get the mailbox in the mood, as witnesses report: He approached the mailbox with those laser-beam sex eyes on and his trousers around his ankles while making "sexual advances" towards it. Try that one while you're out on the pull next!

As the Manchester Evening News reports: "He then rubbed himself against the mailbox while holding his hands in the air and shouting, 'Wow!'"

No one's quite certain whether, well, you know— it's not exactly clear if he jizzed or not. But the whole "trying to fuck a mailbox in broad daylight" thing was enough for witnesses to call the police, who soon arrived and promptly arrested Mr. Bennett for indecent exposure.

"After completing the act… Bennett pulled his pants up then swung on a lamppost before looking at a reflection of himself in a window," the report says. Proud of yourself were you, mate? "He was arrested and launched into a foul-mouthed tirade as he was led away by officers."

Bennett appeared in court today to face two counts of indecent exposure and one count of using threatening and abusive words, and abusive behavior, towards the two police officers who forcibly stopped him from posting his dick to Santa. The mailbox in question did not appear in court, but the alarmed eyewitness who called the police did.

"The lady watched for some time and was ashamed, disgusted, and upset, and my client accepts that," Martin Jones said for the defense.

"Clearly there are issues that need to be addressed," he then added, presumably before high-fiving everyone in the courtroom for that nothing-but-net postal pun. Maybe this sort of thing needs to be STAMPED OUT! He treated that mailbox as though it was SECOND CLASS! I'd like to fuck a mailbox BUT I'D HAVE TO STAND IN A DESOLATE LINE FOR OVER AN HOUR BEFORE I COULD DO IT!

This isn't the first time someone has been arrested for having some sort of monstrous parody of sex with a static object. In 2013, Daniel Cooper was arrested after having sex with a Land Rover parked outside a kebab shop. In less fueled-by-alcohol news, Erika Eiffel recently ended her relationship with the Eiffel Tower and took up with a crane instead. These things happen.

Anyway, in case you're wondering what the legal ramifications of fucking a mailbox are, 12-month community order with an alcohol treatment requirement, $75 compensation to the (human) victim, $230 court costs, and pride of place on the Sex Offender Registry.

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