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A Lesbo's Guide to Eating Vagina
May 18 2012
Did you know that The Vice Guide to Eating Pussy is still one of the main articles to bring people over to VICE.com? The reason for this is because unless you're five years old, an unadventurous straight girl or some other manner of person who sucks, you've probably had your mouth on a vagina and want to grow better and better in your skills as your life moves forward. Don't you wanna be a winner? Don't you wanna succeed in the ongoing battle of mouth vs. pussy? FUCK YES YOU DO! I figured that maybe it was time for a new guide, from the perspective of someone who both has a vagina, and is also BFFS with vagina (sexually).
As I was writing that thing that I just wrote about people who may not have ever had their mouth on a vagina, I had to stop and think about what sort of creature would fall into the "no thanks, no vagina for me" category. I thought about this for a long time, as though I was trying to solve a particularly difficult math problem because, after eating vagina for TWENTY-ONE years now, I can't imagine life without it. It's one of my major food groups.
Oh, hello. I'm a humongous lesbian. Perhaps you didn't know that. Fact numero uno about lesbos is that, unless we're chumps/fakers, we know a shit ton about flippy flaps, namely, how to wear one as a hat. Much with anything else in life though, enthusiasm doesn't always equal skill. You can love a thing (like pussy) and still suck at that thing (like eating pussy). In the world of lesbian sex there are two acts that are at the upper echelon of difficulty 1) Strap-ons 2) Going down on a crotch in a really amazing way. This post is going to focus on the second one, and will hopefully be helpful for lesbians, soon to be lesbians, straight dudes, whoever.
1) You Are the Boss
When I saw my first ever naked vagina, aside from my own, I thought that I was going to freak out. A vagina isn't really a pretty thing, and there's a lot going on in there. I found myself sacrificing a great deal of personal and mental comfort (ex. neck pain, sort of falling asleep, killing myself and almost crying because it's taking someone forever to come) to make it like me and to master its ways. I found out through practice and time that if you enter an oral situation thinking "THIS GIRL MUST COME OR I AM A FAILURE," she's probably not gonna come and you're gonna have an awful time and be making all sorts of tense faces down there. Pressure is the worst and will drive away orgasms every time. Picture a farmer trying to herd sheep by just standing in the middle of a field crying and wishing really hard for the sheep to come to them. Getting uptight about making a girl come is shooing away the pussy sheep that you want to bring TO you. The important thing is to have a general feeling like "I'm putting my face on this vagina because I want to and because I've already seen this week's episode of Mad Men. I don't give a wild crap if it comes." Then it will come. I promise.
2) Don't do weird flicky shit. Don't do "tricks."
The worst is when someone is like "I'm completely gonna blow your mind right now" and then they bury their face in-between your legs and start scatting on your pubic hairs. My most frequently shared sex stories start with "this person did the funniest thing to my pussy." Don't do funny things to someone's pussy. Don't pull out "moves." Be earnest and calm. I'd say that until you can gauge by moans and whimpers what they like the best (which hopefully you will, unless the girl makes zero noises, which sucks) just start by making your tongue really soft and wide, flatten it out on the pussy, and then proceed with slow and steady laps, like you're enjoying the best ice cream cone ever. Do that really slowly, like sloooooooowwwwww, while wrapping your arms around the girl's thighs. Wait for her to start squirming around, and then kill that fucking clit like it's a spider in the bathtub. If you're doing some crazy nonsense down there and hear something like "come here, I wanna kiss you," that means you fucked up. Don't try to persist, and don't go right back to "win." You lost this pussy game, but think about what you did wrong after the girl goes home, and try again next time. There's nothing wrong with needing practice, and there’s nothing wrong with asking someone what they like.
Vaginas are super fickle. The best way I can explain what I'm thinking right now is to compare vaginas to being super stoned and wanting so many snacks at the same time. Like say you're stoned and all you can think about is Doritos. You want Doritos SO BAD that you're kind of starting to cry about them a little bit. Finally you make your way to the corner store and buy Doritos, but then once you're home, up to your forearm in the bag, you realise that you also really need some fucking chocolate. Vaginas are like this. There will be one ache, one need, one "hole to fill," but you need to throw a lot of shit at that hole to give it what it requires to be satisfied. Have you ever seen that movie Tremors with Kevin Bacon? Picture that worm monster from the movie with all those crazy teeth being the vagina that you're battling, and you're just chucking shovels and slinkies and dirt clods at, whatever it takes to make that hole close up.
This is actually kind of an easy formula, but don't make it TOO formulaic. Basically the trick to creating a nice, perfectly layered oral sex cake is to start off with the slow and even rhythmic lapping as mentioned before, and then do a bit of clit attacking (focus tip of tongue on clit and kind of push it back and forth like you're trying to balance an M&M on its side) and then slow things down again. When you go from the clit attacking to slowing things down, the girl you're fucking will probably make some sort of "no, don't stop" noise, and then you're gonna take three fingers and shove them in her vagina about half way, curling them up towards you and securing the tips of them in the grabby bone ledge while continuing to lap. I'm sure there's a medical term for that grabby bone ledge, but I don't know what it is. If you want to put your other hand to work as well, take the palm of your hand and press it down on the lower stomach/top of pubic bone while doing all the other stuff at the same time. I'm not sure what this does exactly, but girls seem to like it.
I hope this helps. Oh, and if you remember only ONE thing, remember that that weird sucking thing you do hurts, and blowing into a vagina is a really bad idea.