A Room with a View of my Roommate having Sex

If I had to describe my new roommate in one word, that word would probably be "whore." Most likely, she'd agree. The room I agreed to rent in her place was advertised as "furnished," "fenestrated," and "$320 per month." Nowhere in the listing did the phrases "brothel," "fucklair," or "an occasional porn set and massage parlour" occur. I know VICE recently talked to a classy British call-girl roommate, but I'd like to introduce you to Jessica, who does genital-stuff for money without leaving her (our) humble Montreal home.

Now, I don't want to sound like I've got a problem with my room having been a porn set and massage parlour. It's just that my move in was delayed by several hours while Jessica, her lover Amy, and our other roommate's ex shot a bisexual dominatrix porn scene involving a ponytail buttplug in my room, on what was soon to be my bed.

The lame realities of living in a den of iniquity reveal themselves almost immediately. 4 AM often sees me tossing and turning to white-hot acid jazz and the loudest lesbian vibrator sex imaginable. The coming days see my date get crotch-stroked by a naked near-stranger, me being asked to spit toothpaste suds into someone's mouth, wine-fuelled fencing matches with 12-inch double dongs, and an endless five-ring circus of fucking interrupted only by my pleas for some prudence for when my father comes to town.

Here's how that went down:

Me: So, you know my dad is coming to visit for a few days.

Jessica: Don't worry. I can be totally parent-friendly.

Then, in the same breath:

Amy's mum was just in town last night, actually. It was a lot of fun. I had my first threeway with Amy and her husband.

Wait, while her mum was there?

Yeah, well, she was asleep in the next room... God, I'm so broke! I really need to give some massages so I can get groceries.

Don't you think you should have mentioned this in the apartment ad?

I don't think that's something we needed to advertise immediately. We did say in our first ad that it's a pants-optional household. We also told anyone who asked about the place about the movies. I don't think we're really pulling one over on anyone just because we didn't say, "hey, just so you know, yesterday someone fucked themselves with a banana on the kitchen table." I mean, we cleaned it and everything. We do eat at that table.

That is true. So when was the last time you gave a massage?

Today I was at a gentleman's house because I was in a bit of a mad panic to make a couple hundred dollars quite quickly.

What was he like?

He wasn't hot-hot. He was an older gentleman, in his 40s, a bit graying. But he was distinguished... gentlemanly. I prefer that to obese and sweating. Bit of a teensy peen though.

Do your clients usually have big ones?

Some do, but they generally seem to be smaller to average. Then again, I'm mostly massaging white guys. One thing I have noticed is that fat men often have incredibly tiny cocks.

What're you doing with today's earnings?

I'm going to the passport office first thing tomorrow so I can visit my friend in the States. It wouldn't have cost so much if I hadn't waited so long. Prostitution paid for me to get my cat fixed as well.

You know, the first night I was here I heard you two Skyping.

That was one of my only real phone sex experiences. I used to work as a phone sex operator for a while, while I was living with my mum. A lot of the callers were from Texas, and they'd be like, "Tell me how big your dick is." For some reason they always wanted me to be a chick with a dick, so basically I would describe the curves of my body and then my seven-inch cock and how I was stroking it.

That's it? You didn't go for eight or nine inches?

I thought seven was very respectable.

Look, people think that I'm the big pervert, but let the record show that I am the sensible one in this house. I mean, I work, I am on a regular payroll, and I go to school. I'm a regular fucking pillar of the community! The fact that I am standing here cleaning a double dong right now doesn't negate any of this. I mean, at least I'm cleaning it!