I remember reading a news report a few years ago about a woman who was in love with a rollercoaster. "Objectum sexuality" is what she called it, and it caused her to drive hundreds of miles just to secure herself beneath her lover’s burly safety bar. It was actually a rather sweet tale of forbidden love, a Brideshead Revisited for those with a Season Pass to Six Flags as opposed to a place at Oxford University.
Unfortunately, some guy had to go and ruin innocent dalliances with inanimate objects for everyone by getting drugged off his tits and having sex with a drinks cart on a Scottish train.
STV News reports that, after taking an unspecified “legal high”, 25-year-old Andrew Davidson boarded a train from Dundee to Perth. Visibly intoxicated, he attempted to charm the pants off the lady serving the drinks by repeatedly asking if he could kiss her. Unimpressed, she deflected his advances the way you would a suitor at a glitzy gala event. But like any entitled bachelor, Andrew wouldn’t take no for an answer.
And if he couldn’t get his way with her, he’d be sure to get it with someone else. Even if that someone else happened to be a multi-tiered movable shelving unit stocked with cans of lukewarm Heineken and assorted nuts.
It’s not clear what this “legal high” was, but it may as well have been Robocop’s Cialis, because he soon started “rubbing himself” against the cold metal of the trolley with insatiable lust while shouting “I want to kiss you.” This was obviously very distressing for the various women and children on board, who were forced to bear witness to this unexpected act of refreshment-based sexual assault.
A selection of legal highs (Image via)
Regardless of the drugs and alcohol, there may have been another reason for Andrew’s behaviour? A sort of aberration in his condition that explains – perhaps even justifies – his actions? Well, luckily for you, there is. His lawyer, the man who spent years at law school, who has examined the nuances and vagaries of the myriad defendants he has represented throughout his storied career and is presumably a highly intelligent man, was keen to let the judge and jury know that Andrew – brace yourself – was “not heterosexual”.
Now I can’t remember if that lady in love with a rollercoaster was straight, but I had always assumed that the fairground attraction was undeniably the Man in Her Life, and that objectum sexuality encompasses all orientations. But then maybe I’m just ignorant, as this lawyer seems to suggest that relations with inanimate objects are the preserve of the homosexual. I guess you learn something new every day.
Anyway, like most drug-fuelled flings, Andrew’s session was cut short by a total inability to finish or avoid passing out facedown on the floor. When the train pulled into the next station the police arrested him. Luckily, the powers that be decided to not put him on the sex-offenders register, probably because ordering someone to go door-to-door informing people that they had sex with a drinks cart would only serve to confuse their neighbours, rather than warn them of any potential danger.
Although Andrew got off lightly, his lawyer did have this to say: “He has now curtailed his social life to a great degree because of this incident. It is something that has never happened before and is unlikely to ever happen again.”
Andrew will have to complete 100 hours of unpaid community work as punishment.
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Some stories about sex that don't involve refreshment trolleys: