Amateur Backgrounds

Occasionally, as I’m a male between the ages of 10 and 100, am employed in a way that I technically never have to leave my apartment or wear pants, earn enough money to afford a monthly internet connection, have neither dog nor child to worry about not dying, and am not particularly fearful of God’s wrath: I look at porn.

More often than not, this means viewing photo websites devoted to the nudity of amateur women, those with actual boobies bound to our scientific laws of gravity and unshorn naughty bits. But sometimes I find myself less interested in what’s going on in the foreground of the photo than what's going down in the background.

Instead of the stereotypical settings that come with professionally-produced porn—nameless empty beaches; creepy brick-walled desolate warehouse interiors; the exact same three living rooms in the Valley, used over and over, to the point where you have to imagine their annual dry-cleaning bill must run into the six digits—with more amateurish porn, you get the added bonus of seeing how these people actually live. This is voyeurism at its purest. Strange books, odd paintings, awkward furniture placement, posters that showcase terrible taste, and even pets just kind of looking up, staring at their master, wondering why exactly she’s putting that thing in there.

It’s a glorious hidden world, and one I’m going to walk you through today. The following are all actual photos from actual porn sites, cropped to keep the anonymous parties just that.

The fuck are those? Homemade bowling pins? Mini-spank paddles? Paper-mache beer bottles? More importantly, does it really matter enough to hang them on your wall?

I’m in no position to tell anyone how to live their life. But a general rule, maybe let’s try to make it where if you record yourself in a delicate position, perhaps put the dogs outside or in a different room first?

Sometimes people decide to decorate their abodes with interesting artwork …

… and other times they cut out a photo of Robert Pattinson from a magazine, tape some construction paper behind it, and call it a day.

Now wait just one goddamned minute. Are you telling me they made figurines of that “I’ve got soooomething for yoooooou!” Eagle Man commercial from the 90s!?!? Because that’s a game-changer.

“Babe, really. You look sexy like that. But I'm a tad distracted by the demonic, vaguely-religious doll in the corner threatening to cut of my testicles. Can you, like, maybe just put a pillow over it?”

Free lesson to those thinking about dabbling in amateur eroticism: When composing a shot, don’t leave things in the background that could remind the viewer, even subconsciously, how you save your dense reading for when you’re taking massive dumps.

“If there’s two pieces of advice I leave you with,” my grandpa said to me from his death bed, “it’s never trust a man who refuses to dance, and never get involved with a woman who’s into horses.”

“That last one, especially.”

The lyrics, “He sees you when you’re sleeping / He knows when you’re awake” have never felt more threatening.

Thigh master, balloon animal, or prop from Hotel Part III?

Hey look, everyone! It’s H.R. Giger’s bong!

I don’t know what’s more depressing, someone choosing to watch Batman & Robin of their own accord? Or the fact that I could tell you exactly what scene the movie’s in just from that single frame?