Arnold Schwarzenegger Murder Conspiracy
Arnold Schwarzenegger is my favourite actor of all time. Christian Bale? Brad Pitt? Jean Claude Van Damme? Nah. What other male lead acting today can pull off action, comedy and drama roles, trick the people of California into electing him governor and lay serious claim to being the world's most muscular man? Recently, though, an alarming revelation has been thrust upon me by our favourite lawyer, Giovanni Di Stefano AKA 'The Devil's Advocate', who claims Arnie is in some way connected to the disappearance of Lord Lucan and the murder of the Lucan family's nanny, Sandra Rivett.
Sounds like madness, but Giovanni's my boy so I wanted to hear him out. He sent me an email documenting a conversation he had with a police officer who was working on the case at the time.
The ex-copper agrees with the consensus version of events up to a point – that Lord Lucan was a hereditary Labour peer in the 70s whose cushy existence was continually undermined by huge gambling debts. When these debts lead his wife Veronica to kick him out of the family home in 1974, a custody battle for three children ensued, but Lucan needed to sell off the house in order to pay back the money he owed.
What happened next is disputed by police, witnesses and conspiracy theorists. Veronica Lucan turned up at a local pub covered in blood, claiming that her husband had killed Sandra Rivett and then tried to murder her too. By the time the police arrived at the family home, however, Lord Lucan had disappeared, and since that day no one's been able to track him down, despite numerous unconfirmed sightings in places like South Africa and New Zealand.
Never a man to blindly go along with other people's versions of the truth, Giovanni claims that it was actually Arnold Schwarzenegger who slew Sandra Rivett. Apparently Arnie had spent several years in London working on his physique as part of his body-building training – juggling double-decker buses, boxing the beast of Bodmin, climbing Big Ben, that sort of thing. While there, to make a bit of extra cash he worked as a goon for London debt collectors who needed scary-looking guys to intimidate gamblers into coughing up.
Lucan's well-documented debt problems meant that they both moved in the same circles, and Lucan – well-connected with an unnamed US senator – offered to help the current governor of California get the Green Card he needed to move to the States. According to Giovanni's police source, Arnie was hired by Lucan to kill his wife so that he could sell the house and get his kids back. Obviously the plan went awry – apparently Arnie mistook Sandra Rivett for Lady Lucan and bashed the nanny out of existence with the iron bar he used to scare gambling addicts.
Lucan realised the mistake that had been made and tried to finish the job, but his weaker frame meant his wife survived and escaped to the pub.
Now that the plan had gone more wrong than Arnie's cameo in The Expendables, Lucan and Arnie drove to the coast to escape, but apparently Arnie didn't want the truth to emerge so killed Lucan and buried his corpse, creating the mystery that's stumped the authorities for four decades.
After hearing the cop's story, Giovanni sent Schwarzenegger a frank letter asking whether he had or had not killed Lord Lucan and his family nanny. A reply of "No comment" came back, and when Giovanni wrote to police asking if Arnie was an official suspect in the case, they said they would "Neither confirm or deny the accusation". Weird huh?