Ass Invaders

While fiddling with your finger can get results, the whole process is a lot easier with a specifically designed prostate-massaging thing. It's called an Aneros. I kept telling myself it wasn't a dildo, but basically it is. You can get one lickety-split in your local gay sex shop. The one we went to was around the corner from the

Vice

office in East London.

It's important to make sure that your passage is as empty as possible, so be sure to take a nice big dump before you get to milking. Amyl poppers, in addition to making you feel like a 14-year-old girl, relax your sphincter muscles. Why do you think they sell them in every store on Old Compton Street? (That's where all the bummers hang out.)

Fingernails can tear your rectal wall, so wear surgical gloves throughout the process. This also helps to make you feel a bit like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho—particularly if you are doing the whole thing in your brand-new apartment while your flatmates are at work. Sorry Jess and Lynsey.

If the poppers don't give you the necessary Dutch courage then maybe resort to something a little stronger. Anything powdery and above class C should help. That bag you left in your top drawer for emergencies? Perfect.

Procrastinating is only natural. You are about to stick a massive piece of plastic up your arse. Go on. Have a cigarette.

This is the point where you have to keep telling yourself "it'sallgoingtobefine" really fast over and over in your head.

Once you've lubed up, it's time to slip it in. Initially it will feel a little like a plastic slug is trying to burrow into your anus. After a while though, your sphincter muscles relax and with a little prayer and a lot of lube things really get moving…

No matter how many objects you've slid up there before, this bit is going to feel weird. Remember that the prostate is hidden pretty far up your tunnel. Try and relax, fight the urge to poop, and search for that magic walnut!

Maybe, to relax, try thinking of something completely different. Like what your mum would say if she could see you now writhing around on some cardboard boxes trying to ward off cancer by buggering yourself with a big red dildo while your buddy takes photos.

Once you get past the initial fear, it actually starts to feel kind of OK. Does that mean I'm gay? Because after 15 minutes I was almost into it.

Pain and pleasure are pretty much partners in crime so don't go doing anything too fast or too sudden. It can get pretty excruciating real quick. Remember that a lot of people out there do this for fun but an equal number of people end up causing themselves internal damage.

It felt like I was a split second away from crapping all over the floor. And despite going pretty deep I am also not entirely sure whether I was hitting the prostate—but I was definitely feeling weirdly horny.

Then I went to the toilet and this popped out. Pretty milky. While it was hardly the biggest barrel of laughs I've had, the whole experience was not totally awful. Regular practitioners claim that a prostate orgasm is 400 percent more intense than a regular orgasm and can last for up to five minutes. Beat that, Sting.

Once you are all done, take a shower. You have just been sticking stuff in your ass, so it's not like you can go straight to the bar and avoid eye contact with everyone you have ever known while stinking of shit and cum, is it?