You may recognise Bertie from her other column, Pretty Girl Bullshit. Do not be alarmed – PGB still exists! You don't cancel magic. But now she's going to be writing a slightly more fashion-centric column for us called Beauty School Dropout. This – in case you can't read, and if you can't then how the hell did you get to this website, sterling effort, really – is that.
Last season's big look
It’s a little-known fact that London Fashion Week is actually for everyone. Although from the outside it seems like a lot of emaciated rich people circle jerking with Philip Green, the hushed reality is that it’s totally possible for any wannabe to get involved. Being the unfashionable loser that you are, you won’t be able to sit front row at any shows or go to any of the really hideous West End parties, but who the fuck cares? What, do you really wanna be close enough to the models that you can smell their hairspray and the breakfast of air and macaroons they just regurgitated? Just tell everyone at your fashion college that you got papped walking into Somerset House and Alexa Chung smiled at you. No one will ever know the truth!
The most important part of this (pretty much infallible) plan to elbow your way into Fashion Week is to get your face all over the blogosphere. And by face, I obviously mean outfit, because fashion people hate natural beauty, OK? Here are my top four looks which will ensure you get snapped by a street style photographer. (Everything else you need to know is located HERE, and HERE.)
#1. THE ETHNIC INSPIRED BLOGGER
You are PRINT! PATTERN! TEXTURE! You are fashion with a moral and political conscience. You are the future of the digital magazine industry and a street style revolution. Or maybe you’re just a blogger, IDK. The key to this look is to run with as many trends as possible to ensure you are #relevant to everyone and everything you come into contact with this week. Here I’ve gone for flatforms, embroidery, text, menswear, stripes, clashing, neutrals and embellishment. As you can see, "trends" apply to absolutely everything you can describe in one word, so the more stuff you’re wearing, the more chance you have of being "on trend"! Easy!
DO: Make a point about eating a sandwich outside. You represent the "people", or rather, the people that have been okayed by Anna Wintour.
DON'T: Talk to anyone – everyone who works in fashion hates bloggers. Fact.
#2. THE LABEL WHORE
Alternatively, you can reject your position as an everywoman and go hell for leather with designer shit. Buy as many good knock-offs as you can get your hands on, and quietly collect a stockpile of monogrammed stuff. As much as everyone talks about being subtle and understated, $tatement anything makes street style photographers totally cream. Fob it off on a newfound love of the Tokyo aesthetic and then pile on the labels. The internet is there for people to lust over stuff they can’t afford, so if you want to make it on to The Sartorialist, you need to be seriously lust-worthy.
Do: Admit to the alternative fashion crowd that everything you’re wearing is fake. Knock-offs are so in for 2012. Seriously.
Don’t: Admit it to anyone else.
#3. THE ART DIRECTOR
This option probably takes the most effort, purely because you need to have enough energy and self-confidence to swan around like a black-lipstick bitch despite knowing you have about as much reason to be there as Daphne Guinness at a Forever 21 sale. Nu-goth grown-up rich kids always champion the whole "this shoe is ART" bullshit, so try to be selective with your outfit and go for things which, if necessary, you could philosophise on for hours. Also, smoke like a chimney: it’s a great excuse for hanging around outside after everyone else has gone into the show, and it’s cool. You really care about being cool, remember?
Do: Get an accomplice or four. Preferably gay guys who dress like they just went to a memorial service in St Tropez.
#4. THE FASHION EDITOR
Oh, I forgot to mention, street style photographers are also the worst people in the world. They look like camp lizards on meth, they emit a sort of hot, wet sleaziness that should be bottled and sold as a contraceptive, and they’re only really doing this because they want to fuck underage models. Due to spinelessness and a total lack of personality, they are more than happy to suck up to anyone who seems remotely important. Entering under the guise of Nondescript Fashion Editor and mumbling in a European/private school drawl will therefore pretty much cement your position on several "high profile" minimalist tumblrs.
Weirdly, despite their A-list fashion crowd status, this is definitely the easiest look to emulate – it’s basically "smug PR bitch on less coke with more money". Limit yourself to monochrome, mix some leather in, add a couple of statement rings, a bag which you’re holding in a ludicrous way (last season it was the "grab", I kid you not) and finally glue your phone to your ear. Voila! See you on Jak&Jil!
Do: Use a sharpie to "correct" the position of your seat on the ticket you found on the ground outside.
Don’t: Be surprised when Jefferson Hack has you thrown out and perma-banned for sitting in his place.
Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes
Previously: Beauty School Dropout - The La-Z-Girl Makeover