Maybe this is a Canadian thing but when I was little my friends and I would go to a restaurant or dep (aka convenience store), and mix a bunch of soft drinks together at the soda fountain to make these things called “swamps.” Not only did it make our 13-year-old taste buds all sparkly, but since you needed really big ones to get the right mix (my friend’s favorite was mostly Coke and a bit of everything else) drinking them also made us really, really hyper.
A couple years ago two of my girlfriends and I started Tasty Brews, a blog written by girls who love beer, but also don’t really know anything about it. It’s sort of a place where we can discuss an overall experience of a night out drinking a particular beer; from the first sip to the last dregs of bile the next morning type of thing. Anyway in the name of nostalgia, science, and getting wasted, my colleagues and I decided to revisit making different swamps, but with beers. Here’s what we discovered.
Concoction: VodkIce and Bud Light Lime
What we called it: Vodka Scheiseberg
Drinkability: VodkIce is a Canadian malt beverage with a vodka-lime taste that is primarily drunk by stupid teenagers. Bud Light Lime is kind of like a pre-mixed Corona with lime that just tastes like Perrier, sort of a Corona for lazy people. This stuff was as cloudy as UTI piss, smelled like a scented candle and tasted like sickly sweet soda.
Who would drink this? We imagined a bro with a shell necklace chugging these back after a long day of playing ultimate Frisbee. Or perhaps a teenage girl with puffy skate shoes and a cropped parka would enjoy one while hanging out at a bus stop in Mississauga.
Final Verdict: Drinking this feels like a headache, we can only imagine a soul crushing hangover after an entire night of this stuff.
Concoction: Labatt 50 and Hoegaarden
What we called it: 50 Hoes or The Prince and the Pauper
Drinkability: Labatt 50 has a reputation for being a dirty old grandpa beer that blue-collar workers drink at depressing bars. We tried to class it up with a nice, respectable Belgian white beer that yuppies drink at happy hour, but it didn't work. It smelled atrocious and tasted like an actual soda swamp of Dr. Pepper, 7 Up, and Coke.
Who would drink this? Someone trying really hard to be classy. You could serve this at a Quebecois wedding.
Final Verdict: My friend Laura said “You have one ho, adding 49 others doesn’t mean shit” (we still don’t know what that means).
Concoction: St-Ambroise Noir and Hoegaarden
What we called it: Tuxedo Flask aka The Penguin
Drinkability: St-Ambroise Noir is an oatmeal stout as thick as a chocolate shake and fucking delicious. When we poured this into a glass it looked like a nice frothy espresso. During this experiment we discovered that duh, it matters which beer you add first so it tasted mostly like a stout. We deemed this beer “interesting” aka we couldn’t think of anything unique to say about it.
Who would drink this? A university douchebag with a goatee sitting at a coffee shop who calls the novel he's working on “sort of a Canadian Catcher in the Rye.” Ugh.
Final Verdict: Booooring.
Concoction: Griffon Rousse and St-Ambroise Noir
What we named it: Black Redhead
Drinkability: McAuslan is a sweet Quebec microbrewery based out of St. Henri that makes both St-Ambroise and Griffon. Not only does it tastes like a dream, all their beer is cheap which we appreciate because we drink their products in vast quantities. Griffon Rousse tastes like a real red beer, not the watered-down “mystery beer” type of rousse that they serve at shitty sports bars. We poured this into a pint glass with the beer bottles tip to tip. The way the noir seeped into the pint glass made it look like a cool lava lamp (I was drunk when I wrote that down). It was like a deep mahogany color with the head of a noir and it tasted fucking amazing. This was the winner of the night for sure. Stef described this as “a nice, classy-ass beer.”
Who would drink this? You would, dum-dum. Like we said, it's delicious.
Final Verdict: A++ would do business with again.
Concoction: Boreale Blanche, Hoegaarden, Labatt 50, Griffon Blonde, Griffon Rousse, McAuslan Apricot Beer, St-Ambroise pale ale, Vodkaice, Budlight Lime, St-Ambroise Noir, Corona…basically whatever we had left.
What we called it: Swamp Swill
Drinkability: We poured the remnants into a giant pint glass and reluctantly drank it all down. We called it Swamp Swill and the sickly sweet smell was enough to turn the stomach of the most veteran drinkers. It smelled like garbage juice which we hypothesized might have been the Corona stinking things up. It tasted like a cleaning product which was probably the VodkIce influence. Plus, we were all hungover to begin with. Not just like “I have a headache” more of a “projectile vomiting all day” type hangover, so there was a lot of gagging going on. My friend Kat claimed to actually be able to drink it but she’s a fucking liar. She also wasn’t hungover.
What would drink this? A desperate soul at a house party that has run dry and goes around the house checking all the beer bottles for half-empties, not even caring if they chug a few cigarette butts in the process.
Final Verdict: You could actually probably do a decent job of cleaning your toilet bowl with this shit.