Brother vs Brother: A Top Ten
They make look dull, say dull things and walk in a dull manner, but the Miliband brothers’ fraternal battle over the Labour leadership is, in political circles, considered wildly dramatic. Sure they agree over some things (lying about eating a Sunday roast together every week for one), but we all know that the blazing light of their crazed ambition is all that fuels them. It’s shaping up to be one of the great fraternal feuds of all time. Here are ten others:
10. Uncle Claudius and his brother, Hamlet’s Dad
Hamlet tells the story the Bible doesn’t dare tell: what would happen if Abel had a son and that son was an indecisive student type who spent hours and hours thinking about killing Cain?
9. Jimmy and Billy Carter
What kind of brother does a President need? How about an alcoholic one who endorses his own brand of beer, pisses on airport runways in front of the press and accepts massive amounts of money from the Libyan government for being a foreign agent? Nice one bruva!
8. The Baldwins
In the Clueless era, these brothers packed such a handsome punch that their name became an adjective meaning “hot”. Nowadays, bankrupt born-again Christian Stephen denounces liberal brother Alec who is, in turn, too successful to pay any attention to Daniel and William. No doubt they all get together once a year to have a huge, Irish-American, stout drinkathon, culminating in Greco-Roman wrestling before a roaring fire.
7. Ottoman Sultans
For over two hundred years, when an Ottoman Sultan ascended to the throne he would have all his brothers thrown in prison until he produced a male heir. Once the first-born son appeared, the Sultan would hot-trot it off to the prison full of paternal goodwill and strangle all his incarcerated brothers with a silk cord. Mazel-tov!
6. Noel ‘n’ Liam
The world has taken Noel’s side on this one, but frankly, if he’s the talented one, why did their band suck for ten straight years? Balls to Noel, Liam’s the cool one who has fights with the German Mafia tells America to suck his dick. When the Oasis reunion does happen, 50 quid says they record a drunken, emotional version of "Stand By Me" with the Manchester City squad. Noel will call it the “best thing we’ve done since What’s The Story”.
5. All the Greek Gods
Nothing heats up a good fraternal rivalry like incest, sisters and the fact that your brother is also your dad/son.
4. Michael and Fredo Corleone
Yeah, he may have broken your heart but do you really have to kill him, Michael? I mean, the guy was pretty simple. Couldn’t you just send him to a nice big farm in the country where he can run around and eat blackberries like a dog made from pomade?
3. Christopher and Peter Hitchens
Drinking, hyperbole, swift changes of heart: journalists are all about embracing things that stand you in good stead for holding down a good, bitter feud. So it is with the lads from Hampshire. Maybe it’s the “you’re right wing and I’m left wing” vibe, or maybe Peter is jealous because Christopher gets to be called “the Hitch”. It doesn’t help that Christopher thinks God is not great while Peter thinks God is great.
2. Ray and Dave Davies
Here’s Dave on Ray: "I fucked it up for him. He was the baby of the family, the centre of attention for three years. Then I came along and stole his thunder… I don't know if I'd feel too happy about going back into the studio with Ray because he's off his head, man. He's, like, spoiled. He doesn't even know what an asshole he is”. Even in his sixties, after he's had a stroke, Dave would happily smack his brother onstage while stumbling through the first few bars of “You Really Got Me”.
1. Cain and Abel
God, fond of getting his family to prove their love for him, was presented with gifts from his two grandsons. The youngest, Abel, a shepherd, gave God some nice fresh sacrificed animals while Cain, a crop farmer, gave him some “produce”. God took the meat and rejected the crop so Cain took his younger brother out into the fields and killed the hell out of him. God hardly covers himself in glory here does he? For fuck’s sake man, you’re meant to be a supreme being, why do you have to be so needy and mean? It's Abraham all over again.