Christmas Ideas for Bad Parents
Monitoring the shady movements of the international Paedomasonry so we don't have to, The Sun are outraged again this morning by a fresh attempt to molest OUR KIDS: a new Barbie doll fitted with a hidden camera. Cunningly released in the build up to Christmas, the tabloid seems to be concerned that the option to upload footage from the camera to YouTube means it will act as a kind of "pervert Trojan Horse" in the bedrooms of our young, providing paedos with a bounty of disgusting shit.
With the nation's most popular newspaper clamouring for paedo Barbie's swift removal from toy shop shelves, we've put together a list of alternative Christmas gift ideas for the uncaring, negligent, or willfully malicious parent.
THE PAEDO BIKINI
The "paedo bikini" caused predictable outrage when it was stocked in Primark shops earlier this year. It's hardly what you'd call a seasonal gift, but for the bad parent this will only add to the paedo bikini's appeal. Buy it for your son for maximum misery points. What on earth were they thinking?!
THE BLOODY KNIFE
Disgusted residents marched on City Hall when 99p stores in Brixton decided it'd be a good idea to celebrate Halloween and years of anti-knife crime campaigning in London by stocking 12-inch blades that appeared to be dripping with human blood. "I couldn't believe they would sell that here," said the chairwoman of a local Residents' Association, before rewarding children who'd come to her doorstep dressed as murderers and the undead with handfuls of sweets. Some people – no sense of humour!
THE VIBRATING HARRY POTTER BROOMSTICK
Replicas of the vibrating Harry Potter broomstick were "axed" once parents started complaining about their daughters getting too attached to the toy. In retrospect the Nimbus 2000's trembling seems particularly cruel, given the faces owned by Messrs Radcliffe and Grint. In this sense it can probably be seen as a paedo-deterrent, given the likelihood of your child being conditioned to hate sex forever.
THE ISLAMIC SATANIST DOLL
Vigilant parents from the US Bible Belt looked through The Little Mummy Real Loving Baby Cuddle and Coo Doll's official title and saw their children five years from now, clad in the explosive gilet of the devil-worshipping Jihadist. The doll, armed with an inflammatory argot that includes the phrases "Islam is the Light" and "Satan is the King", remains on sale after its manufacturers argued its voicebox was programmed to emit only "gurgling and gibberish". I guess if anyone's adept at making sense of gurgling and gibberish, it's the parents of the American Bible Belt. *SATIRICALSATANICDOLLLOL*
If you reckon you didn't choke on this stuff when you were a kid you're either lying or you don't have a mouth. Though obviously not both.