Cry-Baby #1: Don Lemon
The incident: A CNN news anchor met the actor Jonah Hill in a hotel lobby, had a brief exchange, then shook his hand.
The appropriate reaction: Nothing.
The actual reaction: Don went on TV to complain that Jonah had treated him "like the help".
Last week, Don met Jonah in a hotel lobby. At which point Don approached Jonah and said hello. Jonah, who, like most people, did not know who Don was, said hi, shook his hand and then left.
After the meeting, Don tweeted this:
Before also tweeting that Jonah was both "rude" and "a tool".
The above TMZ video (which contains one of the most shocking misuses of the term "breaking news" that I have ever witnessed) shows Don's appearence on CNN the following day, in which he attempted to "set the record straight about the Jonah incident". (That last sentence contains one of the most shocking misuses of the term "incident" that I have ever witnessed.)
"I basically just wanted to say ‘I like you, I think you’re funny.’ I didn’t remember his name, I was checking out of the hotel. And he walked by, and I said, and he just kinda just, kinda like… oh. Like I was the help. And so then he walked by, and so I was like ‘Maybe you misunderstood, I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re really funny.’ And he just kinda like gave me the wet handshake, kinda like ohh, and just, like ehhh, and then walked away."
So, to be clear, this man, along with FIVE other people, actually spent time ON TELEVISION to explain that, though Jonah Hill spoke to him and shook his hand, that handshake was not enthusiastic enough. I can't believe that actual television time was dedicated to talking about this event. And not just any TV, either; CNN. Surely there are more pressing things they could be reporting on? For instance, this morning, I accidentally, very slightly, burned my leg while attempting to pour boiling water into a cup. Couldn't they talk about that instead?
Also, is there any way of using the term "the help" and not sound like a cunt? Based on the video evidence seen here; no.
Cry-Baby #2: Donna Giustizia
The incident: A woman named Donna Giustizia (pictured above) sent her children to a school that is surrounded by oak trees.
The appropriate reaction: Nothing. Maybe saying to yourself "ooh, pretty" as you walk by them; oak trees are nice.
The actual reaction: Donna went before the board of her city to plead with them to tear down the trees.
St. Stephen Catholic Elemetery School, where Donna sends her children is a nut-free zone. Which is good for Donna, as her child that attends the school has a severe nut allergy. However, there is a piece of city-owned land next to the school that has MULTIPLE acorn-producing oak trees on it, and she thinks they should be removed.
“A false sense of security is putting a sign on the door that says nut-free and there’s nuts all over the place,” said Donna.
I feel I should note here that acorns pose no threat to people suffering from nut allergies unless they are ingested. And also that Donna's child is a teenager. Who, presumably, knows better than to eat acorns off the ground. I feel I should also note here that people don't eat acorns, as they are not edible. I would imagine that there are thousands of other things near the school that people don't eat that might cause harm if eaten. Like rocks or car parks or lit cigarettes or iPhones or stray cats. I worry about the precedent it might set if Donna's request is granted.
Donna, who is also chair of the school's "allergy commitee" (eugh) said: "The acorns are not only presenting a risk to the tree nut-allergic students but it is also becoming a great cause of anxiety amongst all students with nut allergies... [The acorns] can also be used to bully and torment children.” Know what else is used to bully children? Jokes about their insane, coddling mothers.
So, who is the bigger cry-baby? Tell us in the poll below. We're not very good at deciding things for ourselves.
Winner: The cop!!!
Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT