Cry-Baby of the Week

By Jamie Lee Curtis Taete

Cry-Baby #1 - Dana Martin

(via)

The incident: A grown man named Dana Martin sent multiple letters to Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber did not respond to any of them.

The appropriate response: Stop trying to contact Justin Bieber, you fucking loser.

The actual response: Dana hired two hit men to kidnap and castrate Biebz, his bodyguard and two other unnamed victims.

Dana, who has a Bieber tattoo on his leg, is currently serving two life sentences for raping and murdering a 15-year-old girl. So, obviously, is kind of a dick.  

From jail, he has been sending lots of letters to Bieber, with whom he is said to be "infatuated". Bieber, unsurprisingly, did not respond to any of those letters. Probably because he gets approximately 10 squillion letters a day. Mostly from people that are neither really creepy or child-murderers.

While in jail, Dana met a man named Mark Staake. Seemingly uninterested in staying out of jail, Mark agreed to exact revenge upon Bieber on Dana's behalf upon his release.

Apparently, Mark and his nephew hoped to ambush Bieber as he left a concert at Madison Square Garden (where, presumably, security is pretty lax). They then hoped to take Justin, along with three other people, and castrate them.

Unfortunately for Mark and his nephew, Dana got cold feet and told prison guards about his plan. Mark and his nephew were found in Vermont and arrested. Police found a pair of handheld hedge-clippers in their car.

Cry-Baby #2 - Andrea Hernandez

Photo by Chris Hartman

(via)

The incident: A school introduced new student IDs containing a tracking device that is able to tell whether or not the student is on school grounds. 

The appropriate response: Having a designated friend who makes sure the IDs are on school premises on days you wanna skip school, obviously.

The actual response: Andrea Hernandez, a student at the school, is refusing to wear the ID and is currently fighting against her school district in court.

OK, I know this actually seems pretty reasonable. Being made to carry a tracking device is super 1984ish and weird, until you find out why Andrea doesn't want to carry her ID. From NPR:

"The student, Andrea Hernandez, believes the ID is "the mark of the beast" from the Book of Revelation.

Steven Hernandez says his daughter was alarmed this summer when John Jay High School in San Antonio informed families that new IDs would include the chips, which would help the school know electronically if the student was on campus.

"And she says, 'Daddy, I'm not going to do this.' And I said, 'Why aren't you going to do this, honey?' She says, 'Dad, that's exactly what it talks about in the Book of Revelation that you were teaching us about taking the mark of the beast. This is the exact same thing,' " Hernandez says."

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH

Her father Steven, who apparently does not know what the term "the exact same thing" means, is supporting Andrea in her legal fight against the school and is getting help from a lawyer who specialises in "government infringement of individual rights". Who is, undoubtedly, a tool.

The school district has offered to let Andrea wear a school ID that doesn't contain the tracking chip, but Andrea has decided she's not cool with this either. And, for some reason, wants to continue using her old, expired ID. 

Who is the bigger cry-baby? Please help us to decide in the poll below. We beg you:

Previously: Last week was Cry-Baby of the Year - our poll to decide the biggest cry-baby of the year 2012. The winner, by a fairly large margin, was Ashely Taylor, the newsreader who was "attacked" live on air. I've made multiple efforts to contact Ashley in order to present her with her handsome, baby-shaped trophy, but unfortunately have been unable to track her down. She is no longer working for the news channel she made the piece for and, apparently, nobody that currently works there has her contact details (which is pretty depressing). I will continue to try and contact her and will update if I'm successful. 

Follow Jamie on Twitter - @JLCT

Comments