So Morrissey supposedly digs the "fourth sexuality", right? Well, even that big old pansy would have to draw the line at the fifth. Metrosexuality is Australia's new plague, according to The Herald Sun. A Melbourne party promoter has successfully banned metrosexuals from attending his new event, on the grounds that their presence encourages bar fights. "Low-cut V-neck T-shirts, skinny jeans, pointed white shoes" and "anyone who looks like David Beckham" will apparently be excluded from Lorca. There will also be a name-and-shame board, where serial offenders will have their photos posted – a line-up that will presumably look not unlike a failed boyband's publicity press pack. Well, we don't know about you guys in Australia, but in this sceptred isle, we have laws against discrimination on the basis of sexuality.

It's everyone's worst nightmare. You walk into a bar for a quick pint with friends, then suddenly you spot them out of the corner of your eye – metrosexuals. At the next table. They're talking about shoes in their modulated accents. Their faces well-oiled, their suits well-fitting, they're drinking some sort of Belgian beer with a slice of lemon floating coquettishly on top. Fucking shitballs.

"We wanted to shed light on the problems with nightlife in Australia,” suggests Scott Mellor, Lorca’s promoter. “We took everything that we disliked about going out to clubs and inverted it ... no dressing up like David Beckham, no blond-dyed tips.” Given that his clubnight is named after the restaurant in American Psycho that's too exclusive for even Patrick Bateman to get a table at, perhaps he's confused fact and fiction, and spends most of his time cowering under tables, waiting for a psycho killer doused in Paco Rabanne to stick a blowtorch on his still-living intestines until they fuse into exotic geometries like magic animal balloons. Or he could just want all the girls to himself. Remember, dear readers, the wise words of Pastor Niemöller:

First they came for the bikers and I did not speak out – because I was not a biker;
Then they came for the townies and I did not speak out – because I was not a townie;
Then they came for the metrosexuals, and I did not speak out – because I was not a metrosexual;
Then they came for THE HIPSTERS – but there was no one left to speak out for me...

GAVIN HAYNES