DEAR VICE - CANIVORE

Dear Vice,
Canned food is being canned. Supermarkets are phasing it out in favour of food in cheaper-to-recycle tetrapacks. So to mark the end of two centuries of canning, I decided to eat nothing but canned food for seven days. To make it interesting, I procured the finest tinned treats from around the world, like canned cheeseburgers from Germany, canned fish from Sweden, canned intestines from Spain and canned bread from the USA. And with this intercontinental smorgasbord spread before me, I grabbed my can opener and dug in…

DAY 1:

BREAKFAST

- 1 can of All Day Breakfast

The makers claim this contains an omelette. I couldn't find it.

LUNCH

- 1 canned cheeseburger

- 1 can of coke

This smells of feet. A ridiculous thing.

DINNER
- 1 can of Surströmming
- 1 can of Spaghetti Bolognese This Scandinavian delicacy is made from fermented herring. Yes, rotten fish. When I punctured the can, pungent gas exploded out. It stank so much I had to take it outside. REALLY salty taste. Difficult to eat without gagging.

DAY 2:

BREAKFAST

- 1 can of

All Day Breakfast

The "pork, egg and cereal nuggets" were a treat.

LUNCH

- 1 can of Double Dragon's Rendang Sauce

- 1 can of pork luncheon meat

This made me want to shower.

DINNER
- 1 can of Steak and Kidney Pie
- 4 cans of beer

Unexpectedly good. Who knew canned pie was so delicious?

DAY 3:

BREAKFAST

- 1 can of tuna

- 1 can of peaches

I'm feeling unhealthy so I decided to take in some Omega 3 and some fruit.

LUNCH

- 1 can of Jamaican Chicken Viennas

- 1 can of Callos

A bit chewy but not too bad considering it's

made from pig trotters and snout.

DINNER

- 1 can of cow tongue soup

- 1 can of spaghetti bolognese

- 1 can of chocolate pudding

No, it wasn't "better than it looked."

I'm bummed out and the recipes over at

Cannedfood.co.uk

aren't exactly inspiring.

DAY 4:

BREAKFAST

- 1 can of Bacon Grill

- 1 can of vegetable strips

After all the fat leaks out, Bacon Grill is a bit like pork scratchings. The vege-slices have the taste and texture of spicy liquorice.

LUNCH

- 1 can of hot dogs in brine

- 1 can of mixed vegetables

- 1 can of chocolate-flavoured Nurishment

Words cannot explain how much this smelled of farts.

DINNER

- 1 can of bean curd

- 1 can of boiled potatoes

- 1 can of sweetcorn

- 1 can of Pringles

Bean curd tastes a bit like Quorn but worse.

This has been the hardest day so far.

DAY 5:

BREAKFAST

- 1 can of haslets

- 1 can of beans

- 1 can of sweetcorn

Haslets, I later found out, are made from reconstituted pig heart, kidney, liver.

LUNCH

- 1 can of ox tongue

- 1 can of Pringles

- 1 can of soup

Enlarge this photo and you'll see why I refused to eat this.

This whole exercise is pissing me off.

DINNER

- 1 can roast squid

- 1 can of meatballs

- 1 can of sweetcorn

I managed one mouthful of this before binning it.

Bad food has put me in a bad mood.

DAY 6:

BREAKFAST

- 1 can of Big BBQ

- 1 can of pineapple juice

I'm so sick of beans! The chemical BBQ aroma coming from this does not help.

The pineapple juice was soured by flaky sediment lurking at the bottom. Not irie.

LUNCH

- 1 can of horrible mossy stuff

- 1 can of custard

- 1 can of chocolate pudding

- I can of Pringles

This was just a pile of curried moss.

I ended up nearly crying into my custard and chocolate pudding.

DINNER

- 1 can of ravioli

- 1 can of coke

- 1 can of wasabi peas

Perhaps the finest meal you can find in a can. A working class classic.

DAY 7:

BREAKFAST

- 1 can of syrupy Japanese stuff with carrots floating in it

When you wake up in the mornings you want something refreshing, making breakfast the hardest time at which to eat out of a can.

This was actually the most revitalizing thing I've had all week.

LUNCH

- 1 can of Fagioli

- 1 tin of King Oscar's Szprot Caro

- 1 can of Fruit Cocktail

This came "By Special Royal Permission." Thanks King Oscar! Thanks for those fetid cod nightmares.

DINNER

- 1 can of Polsa

- 1 can of brown bread

- 1 can of Spaghetti & Sausages

The canned brown bread was stodgy, but the polsa was so tasty I almost forget that it was lungs and brain.

SO glad this is my last meal.

I'm not going anywhere near a can opener for a while after this.

I'm dying for some salad or something, ANYTHING other than

canned mush.

RONALD REGAN