It's true, there are lots of tawdry indiscretions surrounding VICE, but we're not sure where this girl got the idea that we're ElimiDATE for teens...

Dear Vice,
Max is my younger brother, and it’s my older sisterly responsibility to make sure he gets through high school without getting pushed around, especially by girls. It’s kind of hard to look out for him when I’m usually at least 200 miles away but I’m really only concerned about one thing. He’s 18 and never been kissed. I’ve wanted to corrupt him for as long as I can remember but I didn’t want to carry any of the blame if something ever went horribly wrong. My family has already sent him to foreign countries like South Korea and Taiwan so he could romp around Asia by himself and pick up some cute schoolgirls, but I guess the stars were never aligned—the only cheap things he slipped into were Nikes and kimonos, and the only raw thing he put in his mouth was the food. From the looks of your magazine, it seems like you have a considerable hot, slutty girl readership. That’s why I’m pitching this plea to all of you YOUNGER (UNDER 21) and INNOCENT girls to line up for the little guy.

He is a B-boy! He makes shout outs on his YouTube channel, Golden Wang Films, maybe even just for you if you play your cards right.

He wishes he was Jewish, which is just as good as being one anyway.

From what I hear, girls are crazy about him because he's cute or something.

Likes:

Asians

Plaid

Speaking your language if you’re Asian

Anything in the nerd category. Anything. (WOW, Starcraft, etc.)

Saving money

I’m not fishing for girlfriends, nor am I soliciting anything inappropriate! I just want to find a girl that will teach him a thing or two before he’s shipped off to college. I’m doing this at the risk of embarrassing the hell out of him because I love my brother, so if you live in Boston or Houston you’re gonna have to go through me to get ice cream with Max.

Thanks for your help!

ALPHONSINE GOLDSTEIN