DRUGS FOR THE FAMILY

By Jonathan Smith

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Cops in the 80s were super into avant-garde filmmaking. They made that short film about getting stabbed in the dick, and another one for the whole family showing off their great drug collection.

Seriously, they had a lot of good drugs, and they made a video to tell you about it. Their weed looks pretty shitty, but they claim it was 75 bucks for an ounce. That's in the ballpark for today's market, but if they thought that was the going rate for schwagg in 1983 they were either terrible market analysts or had a real dick for a weed man.

In showing off their collection of paraphernalia, they decided to include not one, but numerous cob pipes. Who the fuck smokes weed, or any drug for that matter, out of a cob pipe? OK, I tried it once. It doesn't work--the resin gets clogged up really quickly and there's no carb, so it hits like shit. Plus, you feel like an idiot because you're smoking weed out of a cob pipe.

Most people (but mostly teenagers) have heard whispers of "pharm parties," or at least heard the talking heads on the news jawing on about them, but I don't know anyone who's actually been to one. That bag of fun up there is what cops call a "salad bowl," and they seem pretty convinced that those pharm parties actually exist, and that teenagers will stick anything colorful and small enough to swallow down their neck-holes. Which might actually be true.

For the grand finale, and securing its place in the experimental film canon, the director takes a bunch of cocaine, turns it into the face of a demon, and says, "Death is the only face you'll see kids, when you get involved in drugs."

JONATHAN SMITH

By Jonathan Smith 2 years ago
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