Not All Premier League Plastic Fans Are Idiots

With the country locked in dark basements, re-watching Mo Farah’s various triumphs in slow-mo through a veil of tears, you might have forgotten that this weekend spells the arrival of another rich buffet of heavily sponsored sporting goodness. That’s right, a Barclays and Sky Sports-led cabal operating under the working name “The Super Sunday Squad” is dragging the Premier League, known to our foreign cousins as The EPL, back to the front of the nation’s sporting conscience.

The Premier League likes to think of itself as the world’s league and, in terms of viewers, it is. The global audience is now said to be 4.7 billion. But do these foreign fans know anything about our proud British game? In the name of science, I went and found a carefully picked selection of fans from all four corners of the globe and asked them to make some predictions on the upcoming season. And you know what? It turns out they know their shit.

VICE: Who's going to win the league?
John Klingler: Man City. I am not original. Relegated?
Three bad teams, I predict. Who’ll win the Champions League?
Real Madrid. How's your team gonna do?
My team, Wolves, got relegated. So I'll root for wherever Dempsey ends up.  Sickening patriotism. Who are the players to look out for?
Shinji Kagawa, Giovani dos Santos. Who's going to be the flop of the season?
Arsenal. Does money always = success?
Money doesn't equal success, but success requires money. PRO-found. Who is the sexiest footballer in the "EPL"?
Dimitar Berbatov, says science. I’d let him brood over me all day long. How many games are you gonna go to?
:'( What do you like most about match-day banter?
That there isn't any. The plus side of being a soccer fan in the States is you can DVR a game and comfortably watch it midweek without hearing a peep about it (as long as you stay off Twitter). Where will you be watching the games if you don't go to the stadium?
For about $10/month, my cable will add a "sports package" with both FoxSoccer and GolTV. That sounds suspiciously like product placement to me. How much do people in your town/village/country care about the "EPL"?
There's a cool indie-band vibe about it, it's gaining buzz. Do people fight about it in the pub/bar?
There are "soccer" bars, but then you are drunk at like, 11 in the morning. Oi oi! So, when Obama gets re-elected (fingers crossed), you can shout “four more beers” while watching Wigan struggle away to Norwich. Which "EPL" team has the most support where you live?
Man U, of course. You do still see those Liverpool kits with the Carlsberg logo, though.

Who's gonna win the league?
Milo Power: Right now, I think Man U with RvP and a fully recovered Vidic will outdo Man City just for a bit. But we need to wait until the transfer window closes. If Arsenal get Llorente for instance, they will be a very strong team. OK, you know about football. Top 4?
With both Manchesters fighting again for the title, I guess Arsenal and Liverpool will complete the top 4. Relegated?
QPR, Sunderland, Norwich and Reading. Only three teams can get relegated, you crazy Argentine. How's your team gonna do?
I used to play Championship Manager when I was a kid and always played with Liverpool (with Stan Collymore and Robbie Fowler), I think they are gonna do much better this year than last. It upsets me that you used to play with a known woman-hater like Collymore. Who are the players to look out for this year?
RvP, Eden Hazard, Aguero, Tevez and Podolski. Tevez? Come on man, we all know he’ll be harping on about his kids in Buenos Aires for half a season. Who's gonna be the flop of the season?
I think Chelsea will be the flop team and as for players, Giroud along with Torres (again). Di Matteo will be sacked. Harsher than Alan Hansen on a comedown… Does money always = success?
I would say money and good management. It doesn't help at all to have a lot of money and invest it badly. Who is the sexiest footballer in the "EPL"?
Haha, honestly I can't think of one, but let's do Thorgan Hazard a favour. Worse at football than his brother, better at being sexy. How many games are you gonna go to?
I guess none, as I live in Argentina. What's the best supported "EPL" team where you live?
Right now, Manchester City, mainly 'cos of Tevez and Aguero. Does it annoy you when people from the UK take the piss out of you because you've never been to the UK in your life?
I have some UK friends and they never take the piss out of me. But if someone did, I would just laugh about it.

Who's going to win the league?
Nicodemus Michael Minde: Manchester United. Relegated?
Norwich, Southampton, Reading. Who’ll win the Champions League?
Manchester United. OK, I have a feeling I know which team you support. How's your team gonna do?
Manchester United will win the EPL and CL.
 
OK. Who are the players to look out for?
Robin van Persie, Carlos Tevez, Damiao, Papiss Cisse, Clint Dempsey.
 
Why is everyone still so keen on Tevez? And Damiao doesn’t play in the Premier League. God, what is this? Amateur hour? Who's going to be the flop of the season?
Olivier Giroud. First manager sacked?
Roberto Di Matteo.

Does money always = success?
To some extent, yes.
 
Who is the worst footballer in the EPL?
Djourou.

LOL. Which team is your least favourite team?
Manchester City.

Where will you be watching the games if you don't go to the stadium?
Any local pub in Tanzania or Kenya, wherever I happen to be.

Seems like quite a broad choice. How much do people in your country care about the EPL?
So many, it’s almost a lifestyle.

Do people fight about it in the pub/bar?
Yes. Which EPL team has the most support where you live?
Arsenal, in Nairobi, Kenya and Arusha. Tanzania is also an Arsenal strong-base.

Who will win the league?
Nitin Dialdas: Manchester City. Who's going down?
Reading, Wigan, Southampton. Which team do you hate the most and why?
Man Utd… I'm a Liverpool supporter. They’re the worst, you obviously know your stuff. Do you think football has lost its soul?
Most definitely. Who's the sexiest Premier League player?
None… I'm a man! I think the fan doth protest too much. What do people think of the EPL where you live?
Love it. It's followed very closely. What do you think of the "banter" that surrounds football?
It's fun but it is starting to cross the line a bit. Do people from the UK ever take the piss out of you for being a fan from abroad?
Nope… they know I know my football. Geeza.

Who's gonna win the league?
Kayode Ledipo: Manchester United FC. Top 4?
Manchester United FC, Manchester City FC, Chelsea FC, Arsenal FC. You don't have to put FC after every team's name, that'd be like writing the goalkeeper into a 1-4-4-2 formation every time (hi Rafa, you crazy, lonely man!) How will your team do?
My team will perform like champions. Manchester United. We’ll see about that. Who are the players to look out for?
Carlos Tevez, Santi Carzola, Kagawa, Odemwingie, Victor Moses, RVP, Oscar, Silva, Wayne Rooney, Nani, Ramirez, Steven Fletcher, Rafael. Couple of Nigerians in there, good patriotism. Steven Fletcher: definitely a wildcard choice. Who'll be the flop of the season?
Eden Hazard. First manager sacked?
Andre Villas-Boas. Do you own a kit?
Yes, my club’s kit – Manchester United. Does money always = success?
Most times.

Who is the most violent footballer in the EPL?
Balloteli. How many games are you gonna go to?

25. That’s very specific. What do you like most about match-day banter?
    Player performances and statistics, manager selections and club support.

Who's gonna win the league?
Avital L: Man City.
 
Relegated?
Wigan, West Brom, Reading.
 
Blurgh, seems pretty correct so far. Champions League winners?
Barcelona. Who are the players to look out for?
Aguero, Suarez. But he’s a racist! This is violating the international principles of the questionnaire. Who's gonna be the flop of the season?
Van Persie.
 
Gold digger. How closely do people follow the EPL in Israel?
They follow it very closely but life and death might be a bit strong. I can imagine. First manager sacked?
Steve Clarke. Good shout. Who is the sexiest footballer in the EPL?
Wayne Rooney.
 
Alright. Do people fight about it in the pub/bar?
Never seen a fight but I assume so.
 
Who’s the best supported "EPL" team where you live?
Man U.

Who will win the league?
Sean Jacobs: Manchester City. God, will no one say Norwich or Wigan? How will your team do?
Liverpool? At best, fifth. Which team do you hate the most and why?
Manchester United. I grew up in Cape Town where in my part of the city you are either a fan of United or Liverpool. This was before satellite TV. Do you think football has lost its soul?
That's an essay question. Fans have known that for a while. OK, international fans are smarter than British ones. That’s the sweeping conclusion I’m making. Which players are you gonna watch out for?
Mario Balotelli, one of my favourite players, at Manchester City, Papiss Cisse at Newscastle, Fabio Borini at Liverpool and Eden Hazard at Chelsea. Who's the sexiest Premier League player?
Definitely not Luis Suarez. What do you think of the "banter" that surrounds football?
It's definitely intensified. In the old days, you'd have to deal with fan magazines like Shoot!, maybe a weekly preview and highlight show, and print coverage. Now it's coming out of your ears and everyone's a pundit, including me.

Do people from the UK ever take the piss out of you for being a fan from abroad?
My English friends who've been to Cape Town or know my background, know that the identification with the EPL runs deep, so they get it.

So there you go: We can't say for sure yet, but, on the face of it, it seems like foreign fans aren't all fickle, mouth-breathing keyboard smashers. Which is a little disappointing for lulz purposes, but kinda heartening when you consider that by 2014 we'll all be catching flights to see our local sides at their new home grounds in Guangdong province.

But which of them knows their onion (bags) the most? Do they know more than you do? Because that would be kinda embarrassing.

Follow Oscar on Twitter: @oscarrickettnow

Previously: Explaining Football to America