You Can Now Buy Meat Online

A weekly roundup of anything fashion-related that's made us excited about having bodies that we can dress with clothes.

BUY MEAT ONLINE

Meat make crazy tight clothes out of latex, with logos like 'SLUT' and 'Let Me Be Your Fantasy' and are generally recognised (generally, by me) as the coolest shit you could possibly ever wear. I'd only ever touched MEAT rubber stuff once before this morning, when a package that enclosed a maxi dress, complete with thong, bra and floor-length mask/bib arrived in the office, and I felt sad that maybe I'd never be able to press something so cool, smooth and faintly smelling of sweat to my face again. Possibly ever. Which is why it's great news that they just officially launched their online store, meaning you can buy or pre-order practically everything. Whether you are thinking a SLUT thong could provide that much needed touch of self-confidence to a first date, or you're cool with just a glossy, black, 3/4 sleeve, mini dress – which BTW is totally Somerset House-worthy (did I mean that ironically? I don't even know, who I am anymore) – it's all there for drunk internet shopping and year-round Christmas presents for yourself.

OPENING CEREMONY X YOKO ONO

This is going to get me in loads of trouble with the fashion gods so I've committed myself to saying like 40 Hail Dolce's afterwards, but I just can't sit here and pretend that I'm even remotely tickled by the strange collaboration between Opening Ceremony and perennial It-girl Yoko Ono. First of all, do I care about Yoko Ono? That's a genuine question; I need you to tell me, because right now my brain is pretty much saturated with apathy at the thought of her. Secondly, am I really that interested in the creation of some sketches YO gave to JO on their wedding night? Should I care more that these are largely concerned with lightbulb nipples, hand print crotches and 'butt' jumpers? Because, to be brutally honest, it's all kind of balls.

MIU MIU OPEN A MEMBERS CLUB - ON INSTAGRAM

Instagram went batshit crazy this week when Miu Miu turned Cafe Royale (I got drunk on White Russians there when I was 15 and threw up next to a pillar, NBD) into a members club. What I assume was initially intended to be exclusively for the fashion elite, ended up stretching to just about anybody wielding an iPhone and a sepia filter. The last three days of my life have been cyber-saturated by bronze-lit images of people eating avocado truffle foam wearing silk and making me h8 myself for not being there. Part of the reason for this three-day networking event (not the part about having an on-site store, I'm sure) was to explore the position of the modern woman. Here's an abridged version of the manifesto I found on their website:

The answer to the simple question “What will I wear today?” has deep implications, and in that choice is power.
The power to control who we are and how we are perceived. The will to construct identity – to recognise, play with and bend the conventions of fashion to our own ends – is the prerogative of the intelligent woman.
We are not manipulated, we set our own agendas. Fashion is but one of our many interests. The Miu Miu is our club.
It's [sic] a place devoted to the thinking woman where browsing and shopping take their rightful place in the world of ideas.

I love Miu Miu, I love silk, hell, I love truffles, but I don't think I want to be patronised by a fashion house which is so brilliant because it allows people to channel Miuccia's very singular vision, about how important having my own individual appearance (sorry, identity) is. I don't really have a problem with this kind of corporate theorising on relationships between ourselves and society, but, and call me old-fashioned if that's what you feel like, they tend to make me a bit queasy. There's a lot to be said about gender, fashion, appearance etc, but the key issues (race, income, aspiration) always get kind of glossed over. Which has no place in a room of rich, white women plied with champagne and complimentary leather, right? I fucking love Prada though. So forget I ever said this, I guess.

ALEXANDER WANG SUCCEEDS GHESQUIERE AT BALENCIAGA

It has been announced today that Alexander Wang has succeeded Nicolas Ghesquiere as the Creative Director of French fashion house Balenciaga. If you don't know much about Alexander Wang, then you might not really care that Azealia Banks and Die Antwoord have all modelled his lines, or that he's also responsible for getting American Football shoulders on the catwalk (Yeah, I don't get it either). If all you know about Balenciaga is that they once made those leather bags which cost a grand and nobody's ever actually owned, then don't worry because from a fashion novice perspective, that's the only thing that matters. If you care about the ingenuity and staying power of a brand favourited by legit style icons like Charlotte Gainsbourg (see above), however, then you might want to be slightly concerned. Not that Wang isn't a great and very succesful designer in his own right, it's just that his sporty Lower East Side aesthetic seems neither cool nor conceptual enough to withstand the immense pressure of Ghesquiere's inspired designs. People online are kind of losing their shit about it too, which is kind of abnormal in the air-kissing, back-patting world of fashion PR (no seriously, the last time they were mean about anything, that was Victoria Beckham's first collection and look how well they stuck to their word on that one). Fingers crossed, it'll be amazing. I just can't help thinking it should have been Christopher Kane.

Catch up on last week's tidbits here.