Science Says to Make a Woman Orgasm You Need to Be Rich, Funny, and Good Looking

This post originally appeared in VICE UK​

Just reading a ​stu​d​y here that says rich men whose cup overfloweth with self-confidence are most likely to make girls shoot fire bolt-like orgasms through their own junk.

This is disappointing. This is disappointing news to me. Science has just proven that I will never satisfy a woman. Alan Sugar can pleasure a lady better than I can, is what science is saying. Arg from TOWIE. Chris Tarrant. Chris Tarrant, according to science, can fuck like a train. I am hanging up my sex boots. I am retiring from sex. Out-fucked by Chris Tarrant. It's been a very humbling Thursday.

It's George Gallup Jr. who's responsible for this existential tailspin. George Gallup Jr. from the University of Albany. Here's a quote from him: "How often women experienced orgasm as a result of sexual intercourse was related to their partner's family income, his self-confidence, and how attractive he was."

Mate, you work in academia, don't step in with stuff about money and power being directly correlated to jizz rates. Be like: "Hey, you know what makes ladies really do whatever they do when they orgasm? Horn-rimmed spectacles and a cup of tea balanced on a pile of unread books." Be like: "Damn, you wanna get a woman off?  Show her your discount card for the student cafeteria." Don't play like this.

To come to the conclusion they came to, George and his team interviewed a bunch of female college students in committed relationships and asked them how often they had sex in a calendar week; how often the aforementioned sex culminated in them making a sort of base, guttural, howling noise of enjoyment; then asked them on the scale of one-to-Meg-Ryan-in-that-deli how intense their orgasms were.

The results were: if their partners were more attractive (as rated by their friends), if their family income was higher and if their self-confidence was higher, then the chance of them hitting an orgasmic home run was also higher. Attractiveness was often rooted to the shoulder broadness, and participants saying they chucked an O on the regs because of how rich her partner's family were also reported initiating sex more often.

According to  ​Medical Daily, this whole thing is proof that the female orgasm is a sort of complicated evolutionary joke developed to help increase the probability of producing fit, healthy offspring, and that this study seems to indicate that it's all controlled by a dude's various traits backs up the so-called "male selection" hypothesis. Basically: we've finally figured out how to make the female orgasm more about men.

But it's also a pretty good bit of research for the estimated  ​one in t​hree women who have trouble orgasming with their partner—a figure that increases among young women who are only just exploring their sexuality. The takeaway for this lot is that maybe you're just really into rich, funny, likable guys with broad shoulders, and your weedy-ass nerdy-ass boyfriend isn't doing it for you.

Obviously this sucks if you are poor and unfunny. Even if you do somehow set off the complex series of traps and false exits that turns a vagina from a labyrinthine puzzle into a joy machine that explodes with pleasure like a Coke bottle full of Mentos, there's always a whisper in your mind, an ultimate truth.

The Devil is in your ear and he is hissing at you. The Devil is in your ear, saying, "Keith Chegwin could fuck better that you." Cheers, science.

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